NEWS Jokes - The Funniest Headlines and Punchlines!

A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon.

Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"

Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper.

Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, and Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"

The news is trauma based mind control.

Awful news from my mate and his wife on honeymoon in Croatia.
He's just sent a text saying that tomorrow they're going to Split.

If the news is fake, imagine how bad history is.

Zellar's Law: Every newspaper, no matter how tight the news hole, has room for a story on another newspaper increasing its newsstand price.

Yolen's Guide for Self-Praise: Proclaim yourself "World Champ" of something -- tiddly-winks, rope- jumping, whatever -- send this notice to newspapers, radio, TV, and wait for challengers to confront you. Avoid challenges as long as possible, but continue to send news of your achievements to all media. Also, develop a newsletter and letterhead for communications.

Guthman's Law of Media: Thirty seconds on the evening news is worth a front page headline in every newspaper in the world.

Gray's Law of Bilateral Asymmetry in Networks: Information flows efficiently through organizations, except that bad news encounters high impedance in flowing upward.

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and controlled news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.
That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, America.

I chose to get my fake news the old fashion way, from the Bible.

The good news is my new years weight loss plans are going great, the bad news is cocaine is expensive.

I was listening to The News on the radio the other day.
They've completely changed their sound since Huey Lewis left.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

I liked it better when we got the news from Huey Lewis.

Can anyone tell me where Jepardy is?
I'm unemployed and they've just said on the news that there's 2000 jobs in Jepardy.

If news presenters break news, do weather presenters break wind ?

Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...

Doctor: Well Mr Jones, I have some good news and some bad news
Jones: give me the bad news
Doctor: We have to amputate both your legs
Jones: Thats terrible, whats the good news?
Doctor: The guy in the next bed wants to buy your slippers.

Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.

I saw on the news (really) that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.

I don't get it as it's illegal to own a Christian, let alone buy or sell one.

COINCIDENCE? It's amazing that the amount of news which happens in the world every day just exactly fits the daily newspaper!

Breaking News ;Donald Duck was killed .Someone yelled Donald Duck ,he did not.

The other day my friend messaged by saying “bro I have two pieces of bad news for you.” I told him to combine them. He replied with “your girlfriend is cheating on both of us.”.

Why do they start the evening news with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't?

I heard on the news that someone robbed the Tokyo Origami museum in Japan. The Anchor said the story was still unfolding!

Why do foxes need their own news channel?

Bro, I got good news and bad news.
Just gimme the good news bro.
The air bags in your car worked perfectly.

The doctor said I'm going deaf. That news was hard for me to hear.

Latest News on Immigration.
In future, all incoming Doctors will be vetted and all Vets will be doctored.

These days, everyone seems to think that our smartphones are spying on us .

I've got news for you..

Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years..

Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains.

Great news for most of you.

My wife is threatening to leave me due to my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.

More on this after the break.

Health News Tip:
Keep your pepper on the table, but keep your salt 🧂 on the floor. It’s healthier that way. It’s low sodium.

Saw on the news that water beds are trending again. Apparently, new technology has made them better for your back than previous models. They figured out a way to make them more firm and bouncy. Turns out, the new ones are filled with spring water.

These days, everyone seems to think that our smartphones are spying on us .
I've got news for you..
Our vacuum cleaners have been gathering dirt on us for years.. .

I've just heard on the news that enough rain fell on 4th October to fill Loch Ness. I wasn't aware it was empty.

After going to the hospital for a routine checkup, a man is devastated when he finds out he has the rare deadly disease B55. The doctor tells him that he only has 1 week to live.
After going home to come to terms with the news the man decides that he is not going to waste his last week alive so he and his wife go out to bingo. While he is there he decides to enter the prize draw game. First of all he gets 1 line and wins a car. Then he gets 2 lines and wins £10,000. Then he gets a full house and wins the holiday of a lifetime for two. At the end of the round the bingo caller comes up to him and said, "You must be the luckiest man in the world! You have just won a car, £10,000, and the holiday of a lifetime in just one game."
"I'm not that lucky" replied the man. "I've got B55."
The bingo callers face turns to shock and he says, "You lucky bastard! You've won the raffle as well!"

A young Irish gay man decides it's time to come out to his mother
'I've got some news to tell you mammy. I'm gay'
'Really, son. Well that's a bit of a shock, but whatever makes you happy makes me happy. But can I ask you two questions?
'Er, okay.'
'Do you like that there cocksucking. Getting a big hairy cock in your mouth and sucking it like a lollipop?'
'Yeah, sometimes'
'And do you like that there rimming. Getting your tongue up into some other man's hairy arsehole and having a good rummage around?'
'Well, not every night, but I've done it a few times'
'Ah, well, thats fair enough son. Just don't ever complain about the taste of my fookin cooking again!'

I have good news and bad news. The good news is that the bad news is not that bad. The bad news is that the good news is not that good.

Three social media news article writers walk into a bar.
You won't believe what happens next.

I heard in the news someone stole the wheels off all the police cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.

Have you heard the news about the Amazon rainforest?
It’s spreading like wildfire.

Sad news yesterday, the chap who invented predictive text has passed away.
His funfair is next monkey.

I saw in the news no more Eskimo pies will be made for fear the name may offend people. I never knew the word "pie" was derogatory.

Great news..
I've just got a job at the chess factory, bad news is I'm on knights next week.

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
'I was behind you at McDonalds'.

I've had some bad news today. My doctor told me that I'm allergic to spray deodorant!
Never mind, roll on tomorrow...

A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.
The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what how will you provide a home for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father asks a question, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is, he thinks I'm God

"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient. "Give me the good news first," the patient said. "Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live." "That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "I've been trying to reach you for two days." 👨‍⚕️

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she's seeing someone. It's either really terrible news or really great news. 😎

After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts." 😊

Breaking news Energizer Bunny arrested -
Charged with battery. 🔋