Jokes and Puns: The best way to lighten up your day.

I started a management meeting by getting everyone to say 'Titanic' to each other, but they all just looked confused.

I guess it wasn't a very good ice breaker.

I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself.

When the salesman from the hearing aid company calls I stay on the line and answer every question with "What?"

Yes, I repeat the same jokes on here, but I mix up the typos to keep things interesting.

Which civilization was the first to advance technical, specialist or niche interests?

The Ancient Geeks.

You don't pay an income tax if you don't have an income.

Old statisticians never die, they just get broken down by age and sex.

Is it just me?
Or are there any other anagrams of em?

"I'd like some kielbasa please."

"Are you Polish?"

"What does my nationality have to do with it?"

"This is Home Depot."

The website for orphans doesn't have a home page.

The other day I walked past the lead singer of R.E.M.

I thought that I heard him laughing.

“Shoot for the stars – you might land on the moon” actually describes a terrible mission failure.

Panic attacks are my cardio.

Food is 110% better than people.

It only takes 4 inches to please a woman.

And it doesn’t matter if it’s credit or debit.

Приносит мужик врачу анализы. Тот берет баночку с мочой, переливает в стаканчик. Надпивает.
— Ну что ж, моча у вас нормальная, никаких замечаний…
Берет коробочку с калом. Аккуратненько ложечкой смакует.
— Ну что ж, кал хороший, никаких отклонений…
Берет кал, бросает в стканчик с мочой. Перемешивает ложечкой. Надпивает.
— Ну что же, анализы у вас вроде бы хорошие…
Вдруг — бац! — выплескивает все содержимое стакана мужику в лицо.
Мужик в шоке:
— А-а-а-а!
— А вот нервишки надо бы подлечить!

u study hard
i hardly study

we are not the same

- Hago un montón de cosas con IA.
- ¿Con Inteligencia Artificial?
- No, con insomnio y ansiedad.

When you are angry, stay silent.

50% of Scotland is land.

The other 50% is Scot.

Gloria Gaynor invited 6 people to dinner, but only five turned up.
"Never mind, " she said, "I will serve five."

Just paid off our mortgage using wife's Only Fans account.

She's going to be furious when she finds out she has an Only Fans account.

В еврейском БДСМ запрещено привязывать пейсы к кровати.

I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.

Turns out they’re all bark and no bite.

“One man’s “magic” is another man’s engineering. “Supernatural” is a null word.”
- Robert A. Heinlein

I spotted my dwarf neighbour at the bus stop, so I stopped.

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said.

"Why don't you just sod off" he shouted back.

"What an ungrateful little guy" I thought, so I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

I eat spicy food like my butthole owes me money.

I respect your beliefs and your religion even though they are totally wrong and made up.

Когда дрочу - молитву бормочу.

Me: this is romantic isn’t it? Just the two of us.
Cellmate: I mean I guess.

This chapter of my life is called 'at least the rent is paid'.

Be useless, so nobody can use you.

I’ve always been an outsider. The only thing worth being inside is a pussy.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so I'm off to find a bar with a mirror!

The system isn’t broken.

The system is working exactly as it’s supposed too.

The rich get richer and you stay a slave.

Chemistry is like my acting career, sometimes it's explosive and other times it just fizzles out.
- Lindsay Lohan

Physics ? Oh, you mean that thing where I defy gravity every time I walk down a runway?
- Gisele Bündchen

If a bee is bothering you, don’t swat it or run away, just stare at it.

Because seeing is bee leaving.

Just fired myself from cleaning my house.

I don't like my attitude and I got caught drinking on the job.

We all appreciate money puns — let’s be franc.

I have the attention of a goldfish.

Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.

It’s a challenge sometimes making coffee before you’ve had coffee.

toothache and heartache comes from the same thing

which is something sweet

Interviewer: Your resume says you’re forgetful.
Interviewee: It does?

"What is a tautology?"

"A tautology is a tautology."

I only accept apologies in cash.

Co-Workers: You’re so antisocial!
Me: I’m selectively social, there is a difference.

9-to-5 is a prison.

And the illusions of security are the walls holding you in.

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds).

My favourite type of lingerie is when it's on the floor...

Much to the annoyance of the store clerk.

The only thing worse than not thinking, is thinking like everyone else.

Wrinkles mean you laughed, grey hair means you cared, and scars mean you lived.

Always remember that you are someone's weird coworker.

I asked him to show me...
"What those fingers do?"

He's currently making shadow puppets while I hold the flashlight....

When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in people's eyes.

Time is precious, waste it wisely.

Religion:
It’s like history but without facts.

She swallows so many kids, so I started calling her pennywise.

I sent a food parcel to my former wife.
Fed Ex.

Get rich or die tryin'.

My bonsai business was so successful, I had to move to smaller premises.

They say makeup sex is the best sex.

But I can’t even get my dick in the mascara bottle.

We pay tax on items we purchase with money we earn that has already been taxed.

Some of the best feelings are those I kept away from the world.

Our right to bear arms is absolutely worth more than your illusion of safety.

Just tried the fabric softener diet but in the end I was still comfort eating.

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

If you have to beg your allies to help you, they aren’t allies at all.

The taste of Coke out of an ice cold glass bottle is uncanny.

Show dominance by saying "that was a great story" when it had only begun.

The new film about fishing has a great cast.

Top tip.
Use spare face masks to brew your espresso.
They make great coughy filters.

My dog has been humping pillows… I think he learned it from watching me.

I’m just glad he’s still afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed.

People compare me to Chris Hemsworth. They say I look nothing like him.

Why not? Life is short.

Single mature guys — forget the young gals.

You need someone who can recognize the signs of a stroke.

Only dead fish swim with the stream.

Body: we’re going to bed.

Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep.

Do British flat earthers say the world is apartment?

Fact: Ten out of ten people die. Don't take life too seriously.

Physics is just spicy math.

"I love Worcestershire sauce."

"What's so special about it?"

"It's hard to say."

I'm in a musical about the Titanic.
I think it will go down well.

The average American thinks they're smarter than the average American.

a 31% discount sounds fantastic until u realize u cant afford the remaining 69%.

Учительница на уроке говорит детям:
- А это вы разберёте со своим репетитором.

Irish archaeologists have unearthed a tomb full of coins.

Crypt o'currency.

Lifehack:

Agree with people so they stop talking.

Age is just a number, maturity is a choice.

Lazy people accomplish more. Their laziness actually enables them to find the easiest quickest ways to get things done.

"Every poem should remind the reader that they are going to die."
~ Edgar Allan Poe

CFO asks CEO: “What happens if we invest in developing our people and they leave us?”

CEO: “What happens if we don’t, and they stay?”

Premise I: knowledge is power.

Premise II: power corrupts.

Conclusion: therefore, knowledge corrupts.

If SQL is the Sequel, what came before it?

“Everything hangs on one’s thinking… A man is as unhappy as he has convinced himself he is.”
— Seneca

My neighbour had five children called, 'Who, What, Where, When and Why'.

It made me think she's raising a lot of questions.

One should manage stress like a dog: if you can not play with it or eat it, pee on it and run away.

Why didn't the <div> get invited to the formal party?

Because it had no class!

Understanding is an art. And not everyone is an artist.

You know you're bored when you measure your own cock.

Now I'm bored AND disappointed.

There's far more money to be made in treating a disease than curing it.

I emailed myself a copy of the constitution and bill of rights so the US Government could read it.

My wife has new musical obsessions. 50 Cent, Nickelback, Sixpence non the Richer.

I think she's going through the change.

In the game of divide and conquer they keep us busy fighting each other instead of fighting them.

Дети в школу, виски в колу!

You don't need a weatherman to tell you where the wind blows, and you don't need a bureaucrat to tell you how to live your life.

Interviewer: So what did you like most about your old job?

Me: Mostly lunch breaks.

I've developed a rash on my upper leg , and everytime I scratch it, I hear music.

Doctor says it's spotty thigh.

A disastrous Thursday for the French:

Trajeudi.

I dated a Swiss girl, but broke up with her after visiting her hometown.

There were a load of red flags.

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

"Only the small secrets need to be protected. The big ones are kept secret by public incredulity."
~ Marshall McCluhan

I knew I was popular after that party when I fell asleep and all the guys drew their faces on my dick.

The power to tax is the power to steal with impunity.

If an individual robber shouldn't have that power, neither should the state.

State badges and credentials don't moralize theft.

The problem with following the science is that quite often, the science follows the money.

At this point lunch and leaving are the only two good things about my job.

Overeaters Hotline: 888-888-8888

My brother just got a Star wars tattoo on his cheek.

You should see the Luke on his face.

Funny, those road signs: "Caution - Watch for children!"

I mean, how dangerous can a child be?