Weird Jokes: Where logic takes a vacation.

I gotta see the candy first.

Then I get in the van.

I'm not stupid.

I don't think I'm successful enough to have imposter syndrome.

What do nuts and bolts talk about?

Screwing and stripping.

Baby showers are crazy…you get presents for having sex and your mom is there.

Doctor: “Where does it hurt?”
Me: “At work… it hurts at work.”

I tripped and fell today...

Most people would blame Donald Trump, but I know it's actually because of climate change.

Being alone in toilet is a reminder that when shit happens in your life you'll always be alone.

Why was the fireplace sticky?

Because Santa came down the chimney.

I’m so lazy, I sit with Ukraine.

I went for a job interview at UPS. I said, “Sorry I'm late, I went to the wrong address" - and they made me regional manager.

Actions speak louder than words, but not as loud as handcuffs on a bedpost.

Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

2 incomes is better than one, make sure your girl has two jobs.

Home is where ho and me come together.

Adam's apple always comes with a banana.

Before you ask why someone hates you, ask yourself why you give a fuck.

Movie was so scary I hid under her bra and sucked her titty.

I need a girl who loves me for my money, but isn't good at math.

I love the phrase “bear with me” because it either means “please be patient” or “the zoo heist was a success.”

I paid to many bills to be paying attention to things that don’t pay my bills.

Shower sex is so different when you are in prison.

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account.

I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.

I told my mom I’d call her later, but she prefers I call her mom.

I have a really good Tupperware joke.

But the punchline doesn’t fit - it’s from another Tupperware joke...