Hilarious jokes about BIRDs that will make your day !

What do you call two birds in love?
Tweethearts!

So this girl blocked me on Facebook because I post too many things about birds. Well, toucan play that game. 🐦

What if birds are just drones and they sit on electric wire to recharge ?

I was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "That's my husband! Quick try the back door!"
Thinking back, I should have really legged it, but you don't get invites like that every day!

What kind of bird doesn’t know the words to their own song?
A hummingbird.

Getting nervous that I’m being followed around by a large wading bird. I think I’m being storked.

Which is heavier, 200 kg of feathers, or 200 kg of bricks?
The feathers, because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

Do song birds get mad at hummingbirds for not knowing the words?

You know the difference between the swine flu and the bird flu?
The swine flu requires an oinkment, the bird flu gets a tweetment.

I'd tell you the joke about two tropical birds stuck together but its toucan fusing.

A bird walks into a restaurant, order and gets a bowl of soup.
After a minute, the bird angrily calls the waiter :

- Waiter! There is no fly in my soup!

What do you call a bird that is scared of heights?

A chicken.

What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu????
One requires tweet-ment and the other requires oink-ment.

Saw an owl having a game of chess with a bird with a big beak. I thought “toucan play that game.”

Whats the difference between illegal and unlawful??

Ones an act against the law and the other is a sick bird!

I was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "That's my husband! Quick try the back door!"
Thinking back, I should have really legged it, but you don't get invites like that every day!

Telling bird puns is usually harmless, but when you start mocking birds, things can quickly get unpheasant and hawkward.

The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.

Where do birds go for coffee?
To the NESTcafe.

A happily married man had only one complaint, his wife was always nursing sick birds
One November evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his favorite chair
On the dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin
Meanwhile in the kitchen his wife was comforting a shivering little wren that she found in the snow
The furious husband strode over to where his wife was toweling down the cold little bird
“I can’t take it anymore! We’ve got to get rid of all of these damn…”
The wife held up her hand to cut him off in mid-curse
“Please dear,” she said, “Not in front of the chilled wren”

I made a chicken salad today.

That ungrateful bird didn't even eat it!

—¿Nivel de inglés?
—Alto.
—Traduzca "pájaro".
—Bird.
—Úselo en una frase.
—Hapy bird day to you, hapy bird day to you!
—¡Largo de aquí!

Why do worms hate getting up in the morning?
Because the early bird catches the worm!

What do you get when you cross a rooster with a duck? A bird that wakes up at the quack of dawn!

- What summer vacation destination makes your pet bird sing for joy?
- I haven’t a clue.
- The Canary Islands!

My wife does bird imitations.

She watches me like a hawk.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, "The parrot I purchased uses improper language."
"I'm surprised," said the owner. "I've never taught that bird to swear."
"Oh, it isn't that," explained the professor. "But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive."

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
Bird flu requires tweetment while swine flu just needs oinkment

How many beers does it take to get a tropical bird drunk?

Toucans.

Two Norwegians were talking in the park when a bird splattered one of them on the head. Eyeing the mess, the victim's companion offered to go get some toilet paper.
"Won't do no good," said the messed-up one, "by the time you get back, that bird will be four miles away."

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness, because he
suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the
act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The
husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his
wife, naked as a jay bird, with a man, totally nude also. The husband puts a
gun to the naked man's head
The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money."
- HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
- HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat.
- HE paid for your Football season tickets.
- HE paid for our house at the lake.
- HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.
- HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues.
- And because of HIM, I can put an extra $2,000 in our checking account each
month.
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks
over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket, before he catches a
cold !!

- "What do you call two birds in love?"
- "Tweethearts!"

One day a man went to an auction. When an exotic parrot went on the auction block, the man decided he was going to buy it, no matter what. He wanted the bird so badly, he didn’t think twice about the anonymous bidder who was outbidding him–he just kept bidding, and getting outbid, and bidding higher and higher until he finally won the bird at a price that anyone would call a rip-off. Despite his disappointment about the price, the beautiful bird was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid so much for it, only to discover that he can’t speak!”

“Oh, don’t you worry,” said the Auctioneer. “He’s a talker. Who do you think kept bidding against you?”

Why do people say "Tuna Fish" when they don't say "Beef Mammal" or "Chicken Bird"?

- What’s a bird’s favorite movie?
- The Parrots of the Caribbean.

Q: Why do birds fly South for the winter?
A: It's too far to walk.

A farmer buys a young rooster. As soon as he brings the bird to the farm, it rushes & fucks all 150 hens. The farmer is impressed thinking about all the eggs the hens would hatch. At lunch, the rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer gets a bit worried now. The next day, he finds the rooster fucking the ducks, geese, & a parrot too which is now scaring him. Later that day, he finds the rooster lying pale, half-dead with vultures circling over its head. The farmer says, "You horny bastard, you deserve this." The rooster opens one eye, points up, & whispers, "Shh! Don't shout, let them land!"

Teacher: "Name a bird with wings but can't fly."
Student: "A dead bird, sir."

Q: If the stork is the bird that brings babies. What is the bird that prevents babies?
A: The swallow.

One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.
But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.
Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"
The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."
He soon falls asleep.
Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.
Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."

Been bird watching with Sinead O'Connor.
So far, it's been 7 owls, and 15 jays.

I saw a pigeon having a game
Of chess with a bird with a big beak. I thought “toucan play at that game.

What do u call two birds in love?
Tweethearts!

I saw an eagle kneeling in my garden today.
It's a Bird of pray.

Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I’d have a cow pie in my eye.

Anyone got any good big bird puns....
They’re Emusing. 😍

What do you call a sick bird from Mars?
An Ill eagle alien.

A woman goes to her doctor to discuss the pros and cons of a breast augmentation. The doctor is not a huge fan of plastic surgery, favoring a more holistic approach. He tells the woman there are a series of exercises she could try first, in order to firm up and enlarge her breasts.

The woman is leery, but she hears him out.

"What you're going to do," says the doctor "is thrice, daily, preform ten repetitions of the following." He then proceeds to put his hands under his armpits, making a sort of bird-wing-flapping motion, saying "eeny, meeny, miney, moe, I want my boobs to grow."

"You're pulling my leg," says the woman.

"No it really works for 9 out of 10 women," responds the doctor. "You should grow at least a cup size in two to three months."

Again, the woman is suspicious, but she decides to give it a try. At least for two months.

After only two weeks, doing ten repetitions, three times per day, the woman discovers that her breasts really do feel firmer and her bra seems a bit tighter. Needless to say, she decides to stay the course.

On a particularly hectic day, she is on the subway to meet a client for lunch, when she realizes that she has forgotten her midday routine. She's so dedicated and invested at this point, that she just stands up on the subway, does her thing, and sits back down, hoping nobody thinks it was too absurd.

A man on the other end of the car takes notice and walks over to her.

"Excuse me," he says "but do you happen to be a patient of Dr. Kaufman's?"

"Why yes!" she responds, "How did you know?"

The man proceeds to preform synchronized pelvic thrusts, while chanted "hickory, dickory, dock!..."

So this girl blocked me on Facebook because I post too many things about birds. Well, toucan play that game. 😁

Warning to all animal lovers: don't kiss your pet bird--you may catch Chirpees--but don't worry, it's tweetable ...

So this girl blocked me on Facebook because I post too many things about birds. Well, toucan play that game. 🐦