Hilarious Dog Jokes that Will Make You Howl !

Never ask Sean Connery to teach your dog to sit.

The death of dogma is the birth of reason.
-- Kant

"We passed the Free Soda For All Act!!!"
"Awesome! When do we get our free soda?"
"Free soda? The bill makes
owning a dog illegal."

Why did the dog get arrested?

He had unpaid barking tickets.

When I finish eating something, I have to show my hands to my dogs like I’m a blackjack dealer…

Every morning a huge German Shepherd poos on my front lawn.

Today, to make matters worse, he brought his dog.

Do dogs runaway?

No, they Flea.

Do you speak English?
Yes!

Name?
Abdul Aziz.

Sex?
Three to five times a week.

No, no...I mean male or female?
Yes, both male and female

Holy cow!
Yes, cows, sheep, and goats.

But isn't that hostile?
Horse style, doggy style, any style!

Oh dear!
No, no! Deer run too fast...

I asked the librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat.

She said it rang a bell, but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

My favorite breed of dog is a cat.

Women, children and cats are loved unconditionally.
Men and dogs are loved on condition that they provide something.

I asked my dog "what's seven minus seven?"

He said nothing.

I asked my dog if he had any summer vacation plans. He replied, "I'm just gonna stay pawsitive and chase my tail. Who needs a tropical destination when I have this built-in amusement park?"

Humans can't hear a dog whistle, because dogs can't whistle.

Dogs bark during postal deliveries because they know bills make us unhappy.

My dog has been humping pillows… I think he learned it from watching me.

I’m just glad he’s still afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

One should manage stress like a dog: if you can not play with it or eat it, pee on it and run away.

Them: You actually let your dog on the furniture?

Me: I'd let my dog borrow the car if he needed to.

Trust dogs. They always know who to stay away from.

You’re so dumb, I bet your dog teaches you tricks.

Hey dog breath, if I throw a stick will you go away?

I heard your parents took you to a dog show and you won.

Why are gnus cleverer than dogs?

Because you can’t teach an old dog gnu tricks.

Her: I like bad boys.
Me: well you’re gonna hate my dog.

Why are dogs cowards? 🐕
Cause they Flea the scene.

“Sorry Miss Costello — I ate my homework.”

“Why’d you do that, Lloyd?”

“The dog refused to.”

You won't hear a dog whistle. They can't.

I lost my virginity just to make my dog happy...

Q: Why do dogs lick their balls?
A: Because they can.
Q: So why do they stick their noses in women’s crotches?
A: Same reason.

I was out on a first date and the lady asked me if I was more of a cat person or a dog person.

I said "I'm a vegetarian."

Me: I think you may have an unhealthy attachment.

Girlfriend, trying to breastfeed our dog: Why?

It's been so hot today, I just saw two trees fighting over a dog!

I'm suspicious of people who don't like dogs. But I trust a dog when it doesn't like a person.

So I was walking my dog through the cemetery today.
A fella says to me: "Morning"

I said: "No, just walking the dog".

So, what kind of whiskey do dogs like?
Jack spaniel's!!

What do you call an underwater dog?
A subwoofer.

What does an Icelandic dogs bark sound like?

Björk...

People needed to learn loyalty from dogs, we learned positions.

I once had a dog that was born without legs. So I named him Cigarette.
Everyday I'd take him out for a drag.

My girlfriend broke up with me just because a dog chased us and I ran faster than her.

It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.

My neighbour just walked past with two dogs. I said to him, "I didn't know you had any dogs?" He replied, "They're not my dogs, they're my sisters." I said, "Wow, your sisters are really fucking ugly."

My dog has a lot of potential, you just have to unleash it.

My dog is a genius.
I asked him "What's two minus two?"
He said nothing.

What has two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog!

Wife:"The dog next door barked 200 times last night!!"
Him: "Is that an actual count, or just a... "ruff" estimate?

What happens when your hotdogs get cold?
You get chillie dogs.

My wife and I are having a competition on who can steal the most dog related stuff from our pet store.
I've taken the lead.

What do you call Snoop Dogg in a hot air balloon?

Higher than usual.

Sometimes people ask me if I like dogs (or cats).
I'll reply, "It depends on the recipe."

Wife: “It's raining cats and dogs?"
Husband: "Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer".

Thanks to inflation . I’m so poor I had to milk the dog to feed the cat. You ever tried to milk a Chihuahua those little bastards are mean!

How do i know my dog is a watchdog? He has ticks.

Survival Formula for Public Office:

Exploit the inevitable (which means, take credit for anything good which happens whether you had anything to do with it or not).
Don't disturb the perimeter (meaning don't stir up a mess unless you can be sure of the result).
Stay in with the Outs (the Ins will make so many mistakes, you can't afford to alienate the Outs).
Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost.

Politicians' Rules:

When the polls are in your favor, flaunt them.
When the polls are overwhelmingly unfavorable, either (a) ridicule and dismiss them or (b) stress the volatility of public opinion.
When the polls are slightly unfavorable, play for sympathy as a struggling underdog.
When too close to call, be surprised at your own strength.

Pardo's Postulates:
Anything good is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
The three faithful things in life are money, a dog, and an old woman.
Don't care if you're rich or not, as long as you live comfortably and can have everything you want.

Moer's Truism: The trouble with most jobs is the resemblance to being in a sled dog team. No one gets a change of scenery, except the lead dog.

Issawi's Law of Dogmatism: When we call others dogmatic, what we really object to is their holding dogmas that are different from our own.

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

When does a dog become a sailor?

When he embarks.