Hilarious jokes about BIRDs that will make your day !

One day a man went to an auction. When an exotic parrot went on the auction block, the man decided he was going to buy it, no matter what. He wanted the bird so badly, he didn’t think twice about the anonymous bidder who was outbidding him–he just kept bidding, and getting outbid, and bidding higher and higher until he finally won the bird at a price that anyone would call a rip-off. Despite his disappointment about the price, the beautiful bird was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid so much for it, only to discover that he can’t speak!”

“Oh, don’t you worry,” said the Auctioneer. “He’s a talker. Who do you think kept bidding against you?”

What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu????
One requires tweet-ment and the other requires oink-ment.

My wife said she'll divorce me if I keep making puns about birds with long necks. That's swan way to go about it.

- What’s a bird’s favorite movie?
- The Parrots of the Caribbean.

Never try to catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the local birds have flown south for the winter.

Lobsters probably think fish are birds.

"What a lovely pair of Blue Tits" said one Bird Watcher to the other

"Will you please shut up!" shouted everyone else at the Avatar 2 screening.

It's unacceptable to use chauvinistic names for short women, a little bird told me.

I have a bird fetish.

I can scarcely contain my libido when​ I look at chicks.

had a threesome with two anorexic girls last night...
... Two birds one stone

Do song birds get mad at hummingbirds for not knowing the words?

I slept with 2 Thai birds last night.
Wow It was like winning the lottery..

We had six matching balls.

Where do birds meet for coffee?
Nest-cafe.

The early bird may get the worm,
but the worm who sleeps late misses the birds.

How do birds talk to God?
Prey.

Newton's Little-known Seventh Law: A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Boozer's Revision: A bird in the hand is dead.

I used to know two birds who excelled in ballet...
They were two toucans.

Where does a socialist bird lay its eggs?
In a communest.

I realised I’ve never been attacked by birds, I must be impeccable.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

—¿Nivel de inglés?
—Alto.
—Traduzca "pájaro".
—Bird.
—Úselo en una frase.
—Hapy bird day to you, hapy bird day to you!
—¡Contratado!

Me "Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?"
Waiter "we were worried the other birds would drown."

The woman opposite called me a pervert earlier. I don't know why. Knowing she likes bird watching I asked her if she'd like to come over and have a look at my twelve finches.

So the birds have sex with the bees and then the birds head pops off? That’s how my dad explained it.

My wife does bird imitations. She always watches me like hawk.

Did you know that Penguins secrete an oil under their feathers which helps them to retain body heat.
So basically the oily bird gets the warm.!!

My wife said she'll divorce me if I keep making puns about birds with long necks. That's swan way to go about it.

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots.

I'm just saying if I post a bird joke, I would definitely get cheep laughs.

What do you call two birds in love?
Tweet-hearts!

Hummingbirds are just regular birds that don’t know the words to the song.

So I opened up a shop selling uncaged birds.
They just flew off the shelves!

When I get really bored I put Red Bull in my humming bird feeder.

Confucius say, bird in the hand is not better than two in the bush.

Terrible bird puns always create cheep laughs.

The stork is the bird that helps deliver babies. What bird helps prevent pregnancy?
The swallow.

My friend enjoys bird watching on the German freeways.
He's a member of the National Autobahn Society.

Caught a glimpse of a bird's nest today.
I was just finches away.

Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm?
How´d that work out for him?

me: I think some people are birds in disguise.
friend: lol, can I tweet that.
me: *narrows eyes* can you what ?

Shag" is a funny word isn’t it?
To a smoker it’s tobacco, to an American it’s a dance, to an ornithologist it’s a bird and to me it’s a remote possibility.

Do you know what animal has the dirtiest most cussing mouth in the world?
A bird, they have fowl language!

What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?

One is in violation of the law and the other is a sick bird.

Birds probably do more people watching than people do bird watching.

This common garden bird flew into my mouth once.
Swallow?
No. I managed to spit it out.

I smoke weed to get high and for my depression.
I'm killing two birds with one stone.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a bird?

A bird can still tweet.

It's so hot today, I just saw a bird blow on a worm before it ate it.

What if birds are just drones and they sit on electric wire to recharge ?

What do you call two birds in love?
Tweethearts!

I asked my doctor why I keep seeing talking crickets, talking dogs, talking birds, etc. He told me I'm just having Disney spells.

I got a Louis XV style clock with a bird chime. It's a rocuckoo clock.

I'll never forget the look on the cashiers face after she scanned the bird seed and I asked her, how long does it take for the bird to grow.