Laughing with the Beasts - Animal Jokes that Tame Your Funny Bone!

Alligators can live up to 70 years, which is why you're more likely to see them later.

If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say "Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot!” you're wasting everybody’s time.

When I finish eating something, I have to show my hands to my dogs like I’m a blackjack dealer…

Do dogs runaway?

No, they Flea.

I now identify as This Little Piggy.

My pronouns are

We/We/We.

My favorite breed of dog is a cat.

Women, children and cats are loved unconditionally.
Men and dogs are loved on condition that they provide something.

I still have the memory of an elephant.

It was at the zoo.

Rhinos are overweight unicorns.

To start a zoo you need at least 2 pandas, a grizzly and a polar.

It’s the bear minimum.

Dogs bark during postal deliveries because they know bills make us unhappy.

My dog has been humping pillows… I think he learned it from watching me.

I’m just glad he’s still afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

Them: You actually let your dog on the furniture?

Me: I'd let my dog borrow the car if he needed to.

Suicide is never the answer, your pets will miss you.

Why are gnus cleverer than dogs?

Because you can’t teach an old dog gnu tricks.

Lobsters probably think fish are birds.

What do you call a chicken with a lollipop?
A cocksucker.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't grant him the serenity to accept the things he cannot change.

Why are dogs cowards? 🐕
Cause they Flea the scene.

You won't hear a dog whistle. They can't.

Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.

I'm extremely grateful that spiders don't scream back.

So, it's okay for a cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors come, but,
when I do it, it's "rude" and "antisocial."

Penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling.

Had an interview for a job as a farrier once. I was asked if I had ever shoed a horse. I said no, but I’d told a donkey to go away once.

When a stallion is lying down; he is in the horse-ontal position.

I'm suspicious of people who don't like dogs. But I trust a dog when it doesn't like a person.

Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.

Having a duck orgy at my house...
If anyone wants to come on down.

Where does a Hornet swim at?
The Beeach.

33% of married women say their pet is a better listener than their husbands. 67% of pets say this crazy woman won't shut up

I just got an emotional support monkey,I just hope it doesn't go banana's.

So, I used to have a job feeding young cows. That's right, I worked in a calf-a-teria!!

What do you call an underwater dog?
A subwoofer.

What do fish talk about? Current events.

Ants don’t have to
worry about getting sick.
They already have
“anty bodies”

The tortoise beats the hare by a hair to the hare's great despair.

Did you see the giraffe race? It was neck and neck.

It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.

What animal that resides in the casino?

A Sloth Machine.

Why did the crab stay out of the road?

Because most crabs prefer a side walk.

My dog has a lot of potential, you just have to unleash it.

My dog is a genius.
I asked him "What's two minus two?"
He said nothing.

Wife:"The dog next door barked 200 times last night!!"
Him: "Is that an actual count, or just a... "ruff" estimate?

Being liked by kids and animals is fun until they start following u everywhere.

Why don't salamanders talk about controversial issues?
They signed a newtrality agreement.

I may look normal but I still telling my cat that if he speaks to me I'll keep the secret .
He never did.

Why don't they send donkeys to school?
Because nobody likes a smart ass.

Why aren’t koala bears actually bears?
They don’t have the right koalafications.

I did not expect such a big animal to come out of a small dwelling. Talk about an elephant of surprise!

Go to a goat petting zoo to experience a close encounter of the herd kind.

Got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks...

To the crocodiles.

Why are elephants banned from the swimming pool? They can't keep their trunks up.

I went to a pet shop.
I said ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’
The guy said ‘Do you want an aquarium?’
I said ‘I don’t care what star sign it is’.

What do you call a dinosaur that uses cheap toilet paper?

Megasoreass.

The early bird may get the worm,
but the worm who sleeps late misses the birds.

Don't believe what you hear about fleas and ticks – it's all lice.

How do i know my dog is a watchdog? He has ticks.

What’s the one thing to guarantee you get butterflies? Caterpillars.

The invisible cows were herd but not seen.