Random animal joke:

Cows don't actually earn very much money, so please don't forget to tip your cows.

ANIMAL jokes collection.

Selected animal jokes:

An octopus held up the local bank. Apparently he was well armed.

When someone tells me they aren't a dog person, all I hear is blah, blah, blah, I'm a psychopath.

What's a good age to tell your Pet, he was adopted?

A friend had bred a messenger pigeon with a woodpecker. Not only does it deliver a message, it knocks the door when it gets there.

More animal jokes...

Had an interview for a job as a farrier once. I was asked if I had ever shoed a horse. I said no, but I’d told a donkey to go away once.

When a stallion is lying down; he is in the horse-ontal position.

I'm suspicious of people who don't like dogs. But I trust a dog when it doesn't like a person.

Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.

Having a duck orgy at my house...
If anyone wants to come on down.

Where does a Hornet swim at?
The Beeach.

33% of married women say their pet is a better listener than their husbands. 67% of pets say this crazy woman won't shut up

I just got an emotional support monkey,I just hope it doesn't go banana's.

So, I used to have a job feeding young cows. That's right, I worked in a calf-a-teria!!

What do you call an underwater dog?
A subwoofer.

What do fish talk about? Current events.

Ants don’t have to
worry about getting sick.
They already have
“anty bodies”

The tortoise beats the hare by a hair to the hare's great despair.

Did you see the giraffe race? It was neck and neck.

It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.

What animal that resides in the casino?

A Sloth Machine.

Why did the crab stay out of the road?

Because most crabs prefer a side walk.

My dog has a lot of potential, you just have to unleash it.

My dog is a genius.
I asked him "What's two minus two?"
He said nothing.

Wife:"The dog next door barked 200 times last night!!"
Him: "Is that an actual count, or just a... "ruff" estimate?

Being liked by kids and animals is fun until they start following u everywhere.

Why don't salamanders talk about controversial issues?
They signed a newtrality agreement.

I may look normal but I still telling my cat that if he speaks to me I'll keep the secret .
He never did.

Why don't they send donkeys to school?
Because nobody likes a smart ass.

Why aren’t koala bears actually bears?
They don’t have the right koalafications.

I did not expect such a big animal to come out of a small dwelling. Talk about an elephant of surprise!

Go to a goat petting zoo to experience a close encounter of the herd kind.

Got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks...

To the crocodiles.

Why are elephants banned from the swimming pool? They can't keep their trunks up.

I went to a pet shop.
I said ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’
The guy said ‘Do you want an aquarium?’
I said ‘I don’t care what star sign it is’.

What do you call a dinosaur that uses cheap toilet paper?


The early bird may get the worm,
but the worm who sleeps late misses the birds.

Don't believe what you hear about fleas and ticks – it's all lice.

How do i know my dog is a watchdog? He has ticks.

What’s the one thing to guarantee you get butterflies? Caterpillars.

The invisible cows were herd but not seen.

If its not related to elephants...
Its irrelephant.

I took a photo of a mouse today.

He didn’t say ‘cheese’, but I could tell he was thinking it.

What did one bee say to the other when they landed on the same flower? “Buzz off.”

Sadly, my pet duck, died, and I told the vet to organise cremation. Things got worse when the vet sent me the bill.

When does a dog become a sailor?

When he embarks.

What do you do when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie talkie.

Why did the bee got married ?
Coz it found it's honey.

My dog is named Curiosity. I no longer have a cat.

Two skunks entered the church service and said, "let us spray."

A dog isn't disobedient during his walk.
He's renegotiating the terms of his leash.

I watched a video showing the highlights of cattle doing ballet, two things I love.
It was the best of bull twirls.

The more I get to know people,
the more I realise,
Why Noah Only Let Animals On The Boat.

I took my stuffed dog to the Antiques Roadshow but it didn’t fetch much.

Why did the horses that were tired of living in the city move to the country?

They wanted to get back to neighture.

Why did the FBI investigate the duck?
He was a known quack dealer.

Why doesn't the mafia like elephants?
Bodies don't fit in the trunk.

What activity does the owl mafia participate in?
Drive by hootings.

I had a pigeon who smoked weed and wrote poetry. He specialized in High-Coos.

If your pet pig is funny, he's an amusement pork.
If not, he's a boar.

I had a pet rock a long time ago. I never realized how stoned he was back then.

To start a zoo, you need at least two Pandas, a Grizzly and two Polars.

That is the Bear minimum.

Birds don’t really fly.
The just wing it.

I realised I’ve never been attacked by birds, I must be impeccable.

Deer testicles are the most affordable meat, they’re always under a buck.

Male lions will often eat other lions when they are starving. They just have to swallow their pride.

I constantly tried to phone the zoo.
The lion was always busy.

Don’t listen to Bugs Bunny. Anything he says is all just haresay.

Sometimes I wish my dog could talk.
But then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.

When someone rings the doorbell why do dogs always assume its for them?

I read a story about pig anatomy. It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.

Why are rabbits silent when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls!

In an alternate reality, our pets take cute pictures of us with their phones while we sleep.

When you have a cat, you get really good at identifying objects by what they sound like falling off a shelf.

Trying to find a good time to tell my dog he's adopted.

More jokes about animals, insects and fishes on the following pages...