Laughing with the Beasts - Animal Jokes that Tame Your Funny Bone!

I had a hen that could count her own eggs 🥚
Turns out she was a
Mathemachicken

What do you call a famous turtle?
A shellebrity.

Never tell a Lion to swallow his Pride.

How many times do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh?

Ten-tickles.

Of course it only has 8 of those.

So the first two were test-tickles!

I went for a job as a blacksmith, they asked “Have you ever shoed a horse..?”

I replied “No, but I once told a donkey to bugger off”

I came down stairs this morning and found my dog stuck on the fridge door.
I think he’s eaten the magnets again.

My friend asked if I knew the difference between an Indian and African elephant.
I said "Yeah! one's an elephant."

I hate snakes and worms because they have no feet...
You could say I'm lacktoes intolerant!

Why did the crab cross the road? He didn't. He used the sidewalk.

I've been reading a book on pig anatomy.

To be honest, It was all pretty standard until I got to the end....

then there was a twist in the tail.....

My dog’s getting slow in his old age. He’s just brought me yesterdays newspaper

A happily married man had only one complaint, his wife was always nursing sick birds
One November evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his favorite chair
On the dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin
Meanwhile in the kitchen his wife was comforting a shivering little wren that she found in the snow
The furious husband strode over to where his wife was toweling down the cold little bird
“I can’t take it anymore! We’ve got to get rid of all of these damn…”
The wife held up her hand to cut him off in mid-curse
“Please dear,” she said, “Not in front of the chilled wren”

What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.

Seeing a spider isn't a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider is gone.

What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine? A slow poke.

I threw a ball for my dog...
It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.

Why does a tiger have stripes?

So he won't be spotted.

Which side of a leopard has the most spots?
The outside!

Took the dog for a walk yesterday, I remembered to take poo bags...
Although, my wife really hates that nickname.

Some say injecting helium into animals is cruel.
I say whatever floats your goat!

"My son has decided to turn vegan and won't eat any kind of meat.

What can I replace it with?"

"A Labrador. They'll eat anything."

I went Speed Dating once.

"Have you got any pets?" one girl asked.

"Yeah, a goldfish."

"Any hobbies?" she said

"Yes, he loves swimming..."

Did you hear the story of how cows provided milk for the Roman Army?
It's legion-dairy.

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? A piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye.

Why don't squirrels swim in cold water?
The nuts shrink.

What do you call a mobile home for insane horses?

Unstable.

Sad News
My Obese Parrot died today.
It is however, a huge weight off my Shoulders.

Gave the dog a bath yesterday!
It's just sitting in his kennel though, I don't think he knows how to plumb it in.

What's the difference between a bluebird and an elephant ?
A bluebird is blue !
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming ?
" Here come the bluebirds !
( Tarzan was colour blind )

What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls?
Walk him and pitch to the giraffe.

I bet giraffes don't even know what farts smell like.

How did the squid make the whale laugh? With ten tickles.

A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.

What do you call a sleeping bull?
A Bulldozer.

I bought a new muzzle for my pet duck. Nothing flashy but it fits the bill...

I got a new Puppy yesterday, called it Rolex, gonna be a watch dog.

Why did the pig dump her boyfriend?
Because he was a real BOAR.

What do you say to a cow if it’s in your way?
Mooooove!Mooooove!

Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play!

People scared of spiders should move to Baghdad as in Iraq no phobia.

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?

You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood.

Why do ostriches have such long necks?

Because their heads are so far away from their bodies!

Why was the baby ant confused? Because all his uncles were ants!

What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

What is a horse’s favorite sport? Stable tennis!

shepherd: i love my job
🐑: all you do is boss me around
shepherd: what did you say ?
🐑: you herd me

Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for him.

My grandpa has the heart of the lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Time flys like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

What's a good age to tell your Pet, he was adopted?

Did you hear about the cannibalistic lion?

He swallowed his pride.

The degree to which one hates mosquitoes is typically based on how much mosquitoes love them.

When butterflies fall in love do they feel people in their stomach?

How many beers does it take to get a tropical bird drunk?

Toucans.

"WHAT DO WE WANT?"
"MORE CAT NOISES"
"WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?"
"MEOW!!"

What’s the difference between a dog and a marine biologist?
One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.

Don't try to eat the chickens in Minecraft.

They're too gamey.

I went to the beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13. "Sir, you gave me an extra."

"That's a freebie."

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to
the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who
owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs
and
split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles
each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M.,
loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle
he
had) and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if
they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning,
they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not." The next morning
the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them into
the
family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were
worn out.
The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his
wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the
mud
or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're all in the station wagon and one of
them is honking the horn."