Hilarious jokes about TV that will make your day !

What's the difference between a G-spot and a TV remote?
Men will actually search for a TV remote.

Dont be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

A recent study revealed that Americans watch more television than any other appliance.

Oxymorons .....
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24 Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?

A key to eating healthy? Avoid any food that has its own TV commercial.

"If everyone demanded peace instead of a new TV set, then there'd be peace."
~ John Lennon

Conspiracy Theorist: A person who doesn't watch as much TV as you do.

TIP OF THE DAY: If you can't afford porn, just turn the TV on to the tennis and shut your eyes.

The first tv came out. Guy asks "what are the chances I can change channels from across the room?"
Salesman says "remote".

What's the difference between a G-spot and a TV remote?
Men will actually search for a TV remote.

What do you call a group of Whales on a TV show? A podcast.

Watching TV is a nightmare nowadays!

Violence, fighting, cursing, swearing...

And thats just to get the remote!

A reality tv contest between two cartoonists ended in a draw.

Why do they call it a TV set when there is only one?

If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single.
Once you’re married, you can’t even change the television channel.

Schickel's TV Theorems:
Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously.
The only programs a grown-up can possibly stand are those intended for children. Or, more properly, those that cater to those pre-adolescent fantasies that most have never abandoned.

Law of Reruns: If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.

Why did the TV
hate his holiday.
Because he went
somewhere remote.

Kitman's Law: On the TV screen, pure drivel tends to drive off ordinary drivel.

I was watching TV and an ad for a new wireless bra came on. I didn't know they were electric.

Sherlock Holmes doesnt need to look at the TV schedules, he knows Watson.

I watched a television series on the history of tops and dreidels. It was so popular that there are plans for a spin off.

I was watching court TV today. A man was being charged with stealing luggage. The whole trial took 3 minutes......

It was a briefcase.........

Dr Dre is the most believable doctor we’ve seen on national TV in two years.

FUN Fact:
The television was invented before sliced bread.

The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, television, and tell a woman.

A recent study revealed that Americans watch more television than any other appliance.

Our local TV weatherman has reacted angrily after being sacked for giving too many gloomy, frosty weather forecasts.
No more mist and ice guy...

If the TV show "Cops" taught me anything, it's to stay away from people with blurry faces.
They always seem to attract trouble.

I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to 'laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series' as a "marathon".

The ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to 'laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series' as a "marathon".

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There’s a knob called brightness, but it doesn’t work!

Some people are like an old tv set, they need to be slapped a couple of times to get the picture.

People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio.

Oxymorons .....
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24 Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?

What is an ovary’s favorite type of TV show?
Period dramas.

My gf and I watched 3 movies back to back the other nite. I said next time she can be the one facing the TV .

I just heard that NBC canceled plans for a new TV series based around the lives of staff at American Airlines and their passengers.
The pilot failed to take off.

The other day I saw a pigeon and a blackbird sitting on a tv aerial in peace and harmony.
I thought why can’t two men live like that.
Then I realised that a tv aerial couldn’t take their weight.

A father and son are watching TV together when a sex scene comes on.
'Well son, time for bed now' the father says
'But Dad, I'm 15 now' the son complains
The father replies 'I don't care how old you are you are not watching me masturbate'

Teacher to pupil,
Where's the English Channel?
Pupil, I don't know,
My TV doesn't pick it up.

I could actually watch golf on TV if Land Mines were involved.

When the lockdown started, all I did was masturbate and watch TV all day.
After 3 weeks it got awkward and my coworkers decided to tell me how to turn my camera off on Zoom.

-What type of TV do squirrels watch?
- Nut-flix.

My missus is leaving me because of my obsession with TV Police dramas...

For the benefit of the tape, she just left the room!

I'm helping put together a good fishing TV show.
At the moment we're concentrating on getting the Cast right.

My wife is threatening to leave me due to my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.

More on this after the break.

My wife is saying she’ll divorce me because of my obsession with television dramas.

But will she leave me?

Find out next week...

Dont be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

A word of advice: don't drink while you're wrapping presents. Also, if anyone gets an old TV remote for Christmas, please send it back to me.

Q: Teacher: Where is the English Channel?
A: Student: I don't know, my TV doesn't pick it up!

This should be posted in every school or kid's bedroom. (11) RULES KIDS WILL NOT LEARN IN SCHOOL.
*Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!
*Rule 2 : The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
*Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
*Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
... *Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity.
*Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them. *Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you think you are: So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
*Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HASN'T. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
*Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF -that's for your own time.
*Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. *Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one! ~Most recent rendition written by Charles J. Sykes... So if you can read this... Thank a Teacher. If you can read this in English... Thank a Soldier! And for life and everything else you have... Thank God & your parents!! Now.... think about this and smile and feel free to repost if you choose!

Nothing is made in America anymore. My new TV has a sticker that says “Built In Antenna.” I don’t even know where that is.

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with TV dramas.😮
Will she leave?
Find out next week..🤔