Laughing with the Beasts - Animal Jokes that Tame Your Funny Bone!

If its not related to elephants...
Its irrelephant.

I took a photo of a mouse today.

He didn’t say ‘cheese’, but I could tell he was thinking it.

What did one bee say to the other when they landed on the same flower? “Buzz off.”

Sadly, my pet duck, died, and I told the vet to organise cremation. Things got worse when the vet sent me the bill.

When does a dog become a sailor?

When he embarks.

What do you do when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie talkie.

Why did the bee got married ?
Coz it found it's honey.

My dog is named Curiosity. I no longer have a cat.

Two skunks entered the church service and said, "let us spray."

A dog isn't disobedient during his walk.
He's renegotiating the terms of his leash.

I watched a video showing the highlights of cattle doing ballet, two things I love.
It was the best of bull twirls.

The more I get to know people,
the more I realise,
Why Noah Only Let Animals On The Boat.

I took my stuffed dog to the Antiques Roadshow but it didn’t fetch much.

Why did the horses that were tired of living in the city move to the country?

They wanted to get back to neighture.

Why did the FBI investigate the duck?
He was a known quack dealer.

Why doesn't the mafia like elephants?
Bodies don't fit in the trunk.

What activity does the owl mafia participate in?
Drive by hootings.

I had a pigeon who smoked weed and wrote poetry. He specialized in High-Coos.

If your pet pig is funny, he's an amusement pork.
If not, he's a boar.

I had a pet rock a long time ago. I never realized how stoned he was back then.

To start a zoo, you need at least two Pandas, a Grizzly and two Polars.

That is the Bear minimum.

Birds don’t really fly.
The just wing it.

I realised I’ve never been attacked by birds, I must be impeccable.

Deer testicles are the most affordable meat, they’re always under a buck.

Male lions will often eat other lions when they are starving. They just have to swallow their pride.

I constantly tried to phone the zoo.
.
The lion was always busy.

Don’t listen to Bugs Bunny. Anything he says is all just haresay.

Sometimes I wish my dog could talk.
But then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.

When someone rings the doorbell why do dogs always assume its for them?

I read a story about pig anatomy. It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.

Why are rabbits silent when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls!

In an alternate reality, our pets take cute pictures of us with their phones while we sleep.

When you have a cat, you get really good at identifying objects by what they sound like falling off a shelf.

Trying to find a good time to tell my dog he's adopted.

I just bought some vintage vinyl of wasp sounds, but listening to it it didn't sound anything like wasps...

That's when I looked and realized I was playing the Bee side...

I’ve just started working as a professional dog walker and it’s so easy.

It’s a walk in the park.

FUN Fact:
When you see a cat, slowly blink at it. If it blinks back, the cat is content with you.

Apparently 30% of owners let their pet sleep in their bed.

I tried it and my goldfish died.

Did you hear about the farsighted turtle that fell in love with an army helmet?

How do dog catchers get paid?
By the pound!

How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.

It's raining cats and dogs...
We should not have stored all our C4 in the animal shelter...

magician: i'm sorry for sawing your donkey in two.

me: i don't accept your half ass apology.

FUN Fact:
There are more chickens than people in the world.

A woman was out walking her cat.
The cat stepped down off of the curb
and got run over by a bus.

A drunk walks up and asks Hey lady why such a long puss?

Was going to buy a rare spider from a pet shop, then I realised I could pick one up on the web...

I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 30 seconds...

I was hiking yesterday when suddenly
I ran into a cougar.

Almost made me puma pants.

The real reason dinosaurs are extinct is because of ereptile disfuntion!

I just hope if I’m ever abducted by aliens they let me bring my dog.

What happens when polar bears sit on ice cubes?
They get Polaroids.

Why did the ants dance on the jam jar lid? It said twist to open.

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a sparrow?

Broken power lines.

Why did the cow get in the rocket? To go to the mooooon....

FUN Fact:
Some penguins are prostitutes – Offering sex in exchange for pebbles.

I don't do a great dog impression, but I can do a ruff approximation.

Hey, where do owls go to buy their baby clothes? … To the owlet malls.

I gonna get a female dog

I'm naming her Karma...

The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.

My pet centipede just died. I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised; it was on its last legs.