Laughing with the Beasts - Animal Jokes that Tame Your Funny Bone!

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to
the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who
owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs
and
split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles
each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M.,
loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle
he
had) and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if
they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning,
they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not." The next morning
the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them into
the
family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were
worn out.
The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his
wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the
mud
or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're all in the station wagon and one of
them is honking the horn."

Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The BAA-BAA shop

He claimed that his dog had retrieved a ball he’d hidden a mile away, but I thought it sounded far fetched.

How do dogs make sandwiches?
With purebred.

Q. My child doesn't want to eat meat. With what can I replace it?
A. A dog, dogs love meat.

LOST DOG: 3 legs, blind in left eye, missing right ear, tail broken, recently castrated... Answers to name of " Lucky " .

I thought swimming with dolphins was expensive until I went swimming with sharks.. It cost me an arm and a leg.

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay ... again.

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don't care where you're going.

My friend worked at the zoo to circumcise elephants, the pay was bad but...
The tips were huge.

Next weekend I am attending an animal rights barbecue.

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't, you get down from a duck !!!!

Police are investigating a break in at the local pet supply store. The robbers stole all of the dog walking equipment, police say they have no leads!

Two Norwegians were talking in the park when a bird splattered one of them on the head. Eyeing the mess, the victim's companion offered to go get some toilet paper.
"Won't do no good," said the messed-up one, "by the time you get back, that bird will be four miles away."

You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, what you’ve lost is a pigeon.

Went for a walk with my new girlfriend and we saw two dogs mating, she said 'how does the male know when the female is ready for sex'?
I replied he can smell she is ready thats how nature works!
We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the yew, again my girlfreind asked how the ram knew when the yew was ready for sex.
I replied 'its nature he can smell she is ready'!
We then went past a cow field and the bull was mating the cow, my girlfriend said this is odd they are all at it, surely the bull can’t smell when she is ready, I said look its nature all animals can smell when the female is ready for sex.
Anyway, after the walk I dropped her home and kissed her goodbye, she said 'see you soon but I hope your fucking cold gets better'!

I'm going to buy two dogs and call them both Miles, so every day I can say I've walked miles and miles.

Just found out that my male goat is infertile.
No kidding.

As a fan of animal documentaries, I am continuously disappointed by Fox News.

What do you get when you put a car and a pet together? Carpet!

- What kind of fish has knees?
- A two knee fish.

I bought my wife a Pug as a present.
Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.

The weirdest summer job I have ever had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.
That shit was bananas.

How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.

I used to wonder what owls looked like without feathers.. googled it.... DO NOT GOOGLE IT....

A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar. Now that's a sweet ass.

I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried. Onions was a good dog.

Pavlov walks into a bar. The phone rings, and he says, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog."

If you have to choose between your dog and your wife, lock them in a trunk for 30 minutes. Keep the one that's happiest to see you.

Do you know why when ducks fly in a “V” one side is longer than the other?
Because there are more ducks on that side. 😁

What kinda key opens a banana?
A monkey 😹

What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
Me : A Carpet.

How much money does a skunk have? One scent!

What do you call it when you lend money to a bison? Buff-a-loan!

One day a man went to an auction. When an exotic parrot went on the auction block, the man decided he was going to buy it, no matter what. He wanted the bird so badly, he didn’t think twice about the anonymous bidder who was outbidding him–he just kept bidding, and getting outbid, and bidding higher and higher until he finally won the bird at a price that anyone would call a rip-off. Despite his disappointment about the price, the beautiful bird was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid so much for it, only to discover that he can’t speak!”

“Oh, don’t you worry,” said the Auctioneer. “He’s a talker. Who do you think kept bidding against you?”

Two cows in a paddock first cow goes moo, the second cow says shit that's what i was going to say.

What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?
Ans: A Maybe.

What does a bull do with a bow and arrow ?

He is trying to hit the humans eye.

What did the horse say when it fell?
I've fallen and I can't giddyup!

What do you get from old cows?
Wrinkle cream!!!

"People who talk to cats are mentally disturbed"
Anyway that's what my dog said .

We went to the owls convention and it was a real hoot.

Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.

I wanted to bring a penguin home but my parents said that wasn't going to fly.

I used to be in a band, we were called ‘Lost dog’.
You’ve probably seen our posters...

What's the difference between a big cat and a little cat?
Answer: A big cat can scratch hell out of you, But a little pussy never hurt anybody!

I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrödinger's cat...
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

I went into Sainsbury's this morning and picked up a can of fly spray.

I asked the assistant, "Is this good for wasps?"

And she replied, "No, it kills them."

Q: Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs?
A: Because she mislaid them.

Did you hear they outlawed round bales of hay?
The cows weren’t getting a square meal.

A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too." The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."

What's invisible and smells like carrots? Rabbit farts.

Q: Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex?
A: Because they were watch dogs.

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.

Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken and a vacuum?
A: A cocksucker.

Q: Why do birds fly South for the winter?
A: It's too far to walk.

A man goes to a strip club with an alligator. He says, "I bet you that I can put my dick into this alligator's mouth for 1 minute, and when I take it out, it will not be damaged. If I succeed, all of you will buy me drinks. If I fail, I will buy all of you drinks." The other men agree and he puts his dick into the alligator's mouth for 1 minute. After 1 minute, he hits the alligator on the head with a beer bottle, and he opens his mouth. To everyone's surprise, his dick is unharmed. "Now, before you buy me drinks, does anybody else want to try?" After a while, someone in the back finally raises their hand. It's a woman. "I guess I can try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle."

Q: What do you call a famous fish?
A: A star fish.

Q: What happens when you cross a shark with a cow?
A: I don't know but I wouldn't milk it.

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. In court, he pleads innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor. In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it, but what did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"