Laughing with the Beasts - Animal Jokes that Tame Your Funny Bone!

My pet centipede just died. I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised; it was on its last legs.

A large snake obsessed with its health is a hypoanacondriac.

Did you know that a Raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions,while a Crow has only 16.!!
The difference between a Raven and a Crow is just a matter of a pinion.!

How do you stop a dog from barking in the back of a car?

Put him in the front.

Did you know that Penguins secrete an oil under their feathers which helps them to retain body heat.
So basically the oily bird gets the warm.!!

When someone tells me they aren't a dog person, all I hear is blah, blah, blah, I'm a psychopath.

I just bought two fish and called one One and the other Two...
When One dies I'll still have Two.

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots.

What’s the difference between a sprinter and a duck?
One goes quick, the other goes quack.

Why did the fly fly? Because the spider spied-er.

Birds of prey have trouble making friends.
They're too hawkward.

I might look normal but you best believe if a cat meows, I'm meowing back.

Hear about the turtle & snail that got into an accident? A police rabbit arrives and asks what happened. They both say, "Well, officer, it just all happened so fast!"

I was attacked by a flock of sheep earlier. I was only grazed.I was very lucky I wasn't fleeced, but I did get rammed.

What do you call a place where the animals practice martial arts?

A Jujit-zoo.

My dog likes everyone. It's me you have to worry about.

Why do hummingbirds hum?
Because they can't remember the words.

Which insect is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.

What do you call two birds in love?
Tweet-hearts!

Cows don't actually earn very much money, so please don't forget to tip your cows.

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it.

What do you call a herd of giggling cows?

Laughing stock.

I crossed a Turkey with a ghost...........
Yep you got it Poultrygeist...........

I'm selling some racing geese.

If you want have a quick gander give me a call.

Why aren't dogs good dancers?
They have two left feet!

I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.

What do you call a snake without any clothing?
S-naked.

Me [first day as a vet]: What seems to the problem?
Cat: meow
Me: Yes, but where?

An alligator was getting his bathroom remodeled .
He decided to replace the floor tiles with reptiles. Also came with a new scale.

What do you call a 100-year-old ant?

An antique.

I saw a spider in my shoes, but they were way too big for it.

What do you call a reindeer who can write with his left and his right hoof?
Bambidextorous.

You can imagine my disappointment after I ordered Rabbit soup and found a hare in it…

I don't know who needs to know this but even though a duck has NO utilities, he still has a bill.

Why are frogs are so happy?

They eat whatever bugs them.

What do you call a horse that moves around a lot? Unstable...

I saw a sheep driving a car, it was an eweber driver.

If you can't find your dog, open the fridge door. Now he's standing right behind you.

What do you call a male zebra?

A zebro.

How do you stop a skunk from smelling? Hold his nose.

Sloths are terrible story tellers. They've only got one tail.

Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.

The purest love in the world is the one between grumpy dads and the pet they said they didn't want.

A leopard tried to sneak out of his enclosure by pretending to be a zebra.
But he was spotted.

- Where do animals do online meetings?
- Zoo-m.

I suppose when you've seen one lion catch a zebra, you've seen a maul.

I poured some water over a duck’s back yesterday.

He didn’t care.

When I get really bored I put Red Bull in my humming bird feeder.

What do you get when two giraffes collide?

A giraffic jam.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on him.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way.

I tried to teach my dog to dance, but he just doesn’t get it. Honestly, he acts like he has two left feet!

God initially planned to use wasps to pollinate flowers.
But in the end he went with plan Bee.

Apparently 30% of owners let their pet sleep in their bed.
I tried it and my goldfish died.

There’s a blood-sucking insect who issues speeding tickets.
Be careful, folks.
The tic is clocking.

Spotted a mouse in the house. I took a photo, and although he didn't say cheese, I could tell he was thinking it.

I was listening to a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes.
I said to the guy next to me: “That lizard’s really funny.”
He replied: “That’s not a lizard, it's a stand up chameleon.”

The three little pigs' dad told lousy bedtime stories.
He was such a boar...

What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
Irrelephant.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer??????
You put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers.

I'mma write a documentary about a family of whales. It'll be a podcast.