Cat Jokes: Pawsitively Hilarious Feline Fun!

Mum, can I have a cat for Christmas this year?
No, you’ll have turkey like the rest of us.

Theorem: A cat has nine tails.

Proof: No cat has eight tails. A cat has one more tail than no cat. Therefore a cat has nine tails.

A radioactive cat has 18 half-lives.

My friend’s old cat has stopped catching rats. Is it fur-giveness on the part of the feline or a compro-mice?

So, it's okay for a cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors come, but,
when I do it, it's "rude" and "antisocial."

I was out on a first date and the lady asked me if I was more of a cat person or a dog person.

I said "I'm a vegetarian."

A cat falls in a pond and a rooster laughs.
The moral of this story? A wet pussy makes a cock happy.

I may look normal but I still telling my cat that if he speaks to me I'll keep the secret .
He never did.

Short's Quotations:

Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche. A cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time it was undoubtedly true.
Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
Malpractice makes malperfect.
Neurosis is a communicable disease.
The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be creamed?
A little ignorance can go a long way.
Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it.
There is no such thing as an absolute truth -- that is absolutely true.
Understanding the laws of nature does not mean we are free from obeying them.
Entropy has us outnumbered.
The human race never solves any of its problems -- it only outlives them.
Hell hath no fury like a pacifist.

Rule of Feline Frustration: When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.

So I asked my cat who his favorite socialist was.
He just looked at me and said Mao.

My mate took his dead cat to a taxidermist, but they stuffed the wrong end. It was a cat-ass-trophy.

Cat Stevens was dropped by his record label several times but always landed on his feet.

FUN Fact:
When you see a cat, slowly blink at it. If it blinks back, the cat is content with you.

A woman was out walking her cat.
The cat stepped down off of the curb
and got run over by a bus.

A drunk walks up and asks Hey lady why such a long puss?

How do you spot a dyslexic Yorkshire man? ...

He's the one with a cat flap on his head..

My cat is so happy that I invested in stocks on his behalf. And believe me, the feline is mutual!

I might look normal but you best believe if a cat meows, I'm meowing back.

I would have e-mailed you sooner, but my cat ate my mouse.

Erwin Schrödinger kept his theory secret for many years...

Until someone let the cat out the bag.

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it.

A black cat just crossed my path. I think there’s some purrinormal cativity going on or something.

Confucius say, woman who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

COP PULLS OVER A DRUNK DRIVER and says: The answer to this question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?!

Why did the cat go to the vet? Because he said he wasn't feline fine!

I've tried several times, but I can't pet a cat without plotting world domination.

A cat has just given birth in a public park
and has been fined $50 for littering.

Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.

A bestiality enthusiast, an arson, a sadist, a necrophile, and a masochist are right outside a psych ward when a cat passes by.
The beastialty enthusiast says "let's fuck the cat," the arsonist says, "let's fuck the cat, then burn it," the sadist says, "let's fuck the cat, burn the cat, then kill it," then the necrophile says, "let's fuck the cat, burn the cat, kill the cat, then fuck it again," and finally the masochist says, "MEOW!"

There's nothing more hurtful than a cat immediately washing the spot where you just pet it.

Did you hear about the mute who got into a fight with a tiger?

I guess the cat got his tongue.

I've been thinking about getting cat faces tattooed around my nipples,
but I'm not sure how my boyfriend feels about titty tats.

My cat lost his tail in an accident. But I was able to get him a new one at a retail store.

Neighbor: Why isn't your cat moving? He's just standing there!
Me: Oh, that's because he's on paws...

I saw a cat at Tesco buying 9 bags for life.

A dog asks a cat "How come I've never seen you cats making love in public?"
The cat replies, "Do you want humans to steal our style like they did yours?"

My Korean friend was going to make his wife a secret dinner for Mothers day but someone let the cat out of the bag.

Once upon a time in France, 3 kittens were playing on a frozen pond. Suddenly, the ice broke and un, deux, trois, cat sank!

My German cat is finally dead, it definitely now has nein lives.

Fortunately my cat Whiskers did not win the feline booty contest...
We avoided a cat-ass-trophy.

What do you call a cat with 8 Legs ?? Mating.

A big cat escaped it's cage at the zoo yesterday.
If I saw that I'd puma pants.

A schoolboy wrote in his weekly essay: “My cat just had seven kittens. They’re all communist.”

The following week, the boy wrote: “my cat’s kittens are all capitalist.”

The teacher called him up and asked him to explain the sudden change. “Last week, you said they were all communists!”

The boy nodded. “They were, but this week they all opened their eyes.”

This morning I noticed my neighbour was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor old buggar thought her cat understood her.

When I got home I told my dog. We laughed so much together !!

What do you call a cat with 8 legs?
An Octopuss.

I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love, but I also have a cat to remind me that I don’t deserve it. It’s all about balance.

What cat should you never play cards with? A Cheetah!

Can dogs detect broken bones in your body?
No, but cat scan.

Social media is a lot like Ancient Egypt. A lot of Cat worshiping goes on!

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has its claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause.

Why did the cat cross the road?
Because the chicken had a laser pointer 🙄

Store policy: You break it you buy it.

Cat policy: you by it you break it.

My cat has started drinking the local church wine... I thinks he's become a Cataholic...

What do you call a cat in the desert? Sandy Claws...

Saw the woman down our street talking to her cat the other day... daft bat ..I told my dog what I'd seen...ohh we did laugh..

Denver = Nerved
Las Vegas = Salvages
Statue of Liberty = Built to stay free
Violet Cat = Attic Love
Santa = satan

Dusty = Study
Night = Thing
Inch = Chin
Brag = Grab
Cat = Act

Was it a car or a cat I saw?

I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox
the cat kept covering me up.

How does the cat celebrate its birthday? By turning up the mewsic.