Cat Jokes: Pawsitively Hilarious Feline Fun!

What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake.

A panda, a cowboy, a man with a cat on his shoulder, and a time-traveller walk into a bar.
“What is this,” the bartender yells, “some kind of joke?”

I ran over neighbors cat last night and I just want to say… THAT THING WAS FAST! I had run a red light to get it!

Why did the cat see a shrink?
He had a pursonality disorder.

If I have to have my cat put down, do I need to book 9 appointments at the vets?

Two cats are having a swimming race. One is called “One Two Three”, the other “Un Deux Trois”. Which cat won?

“One Two Three” because “Un Deux Trois” cat sank.

A zoophile, a sadist, a pyromaniac, a necrophile, and a masochist find a cat on the street.
The zoophile says, "We should fuck the cat."
The sadist says, "We should fuck the cat, torture it, and then fuck it again."
The pyromaniac says, "We should fuck the cat, torture it with fire, and then fuck it again."
The necrophile says, "We should fuck the cat, torture it to death with fire, and then fuck it again."
The masochist says, "Meow."

A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said,
"I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting.

"WHAT DO WE WANT?"
"MORE CAT NOISES"
"WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?"
"MEOW!!"

You can now get an action-packed boat trip to that Japanese cat island.
It's a Tom Cruise.

What's the difference between a big cat and a little cat?
Answer: A big cat can scratch hell out of you, But a little pussy never hurt anybody!

A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too." The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."

Q: What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.

One day, an old lady went to the store to get some food for her dog.
When she got to the counter to pay, the cashier said she needed proof that the old lady had a dog because some old people have been known to just eat the animal food themselves. So she went home got her puppy, bought it to the store and purchased the dog food.
One week later, she went to get some cat food. Once again the cashier needed proof that the old lady had a cat. So she went home, got her cat, came back and purchased the cat food.
Two weeks later, the old lady walked in the same market to buy something . She held a bag in front of the cashier and told him to put his fingers in the bag and then smell them. When the cashier did, he said, "It smells like poop!"
The old lady replied, "Can I buy some toilet paper now?"

A man gets his new prescription for Viagra, and starts home to get ready for when his wife gets home.
He calls her on the phone, and she says, "I'll be home in an hour."
"Perfect," he thinks.
The Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before, so he takes the Viagra and waits.
Well, an hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife... She calls him on the cell phone and says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour."
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice.
"I've got a hard-on a cat couldn't scratch off and my wife won't be home for another hour! What should I do?" he asks.
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.
"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

Just seen a cat and a hedge hog fighting.....
I think the hedge hog was winning on points.

My wife said... "is it just me or is the cat getting fat"?
Apparently "no its just you" was not the right answer 🙄

There was a swimming competition between two cats. The first cat was named un deux trois, the second was named one two three. Which cat won the race?

One two three, because un deux trois quatre cinq.

cat and a rooster are sitting by a pool, the cat falls in and the rooster laughs, the cat says a wet pussy always makes a cock happy.

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a cat on his shoulder.
The cat is wearing a little baseball cap. "Hey, that’s neat," says the bartender. "Where did you get that?”
“France," the kitty says, "they’ve got millions of them!”

If it is 'one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, now go cat go...'

Then how many cats is Elvis left with?😎

A cat walks between a womans legs...Looks up and thinks...
I don't see the resemblance....... 🐈