The Ultimate Collection of Government Jokes.

"Propaganda is the executive arm of the invisible government."
~ Edward Bernays

The Italian government has cancelled the town of Ferno’s annual fiesta.
This year there’ll be no disco in ferno.

Kamin's Third Law: Combined total taxation from all levels of government will always increase (until the government is replaced by war or revolution).

Why is prostitution illegal?
Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them.

Why doesn't the Government let chickens build their own houses?
Because they'll make a coup.

Ever since the government lockdown, my neighbor has had to run her business out of her backyard. She bakes delicious pastries.
Google Back Door Cream Pies if you're interested.

Which dinosaur does the government of the People's Republic of China hate?
Taiwanasaurus.

Why are people acting like Kamala Harris is the first woman to obtain such a high ranking position in the US Government?
Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?

I've got a great idea for tax evasion.
Apparently if you don't pay your taxes the government will give you free housing, free food and a roommate.

Why is suicide illegal in China?
Destruction of government property.

Cardi B’s sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly
They call her ‘Cagey B’.

What did the Afghanistan government say after the American military left?
Biden.

A farmer had his farm on the Finnish/Russian border and the government asked him what country he wanted his farm to be in since it couldn't be in both. And he said Finland and the government asked him why.
And he said "because I can't stand the russian winters".

My father once asked me if I knew the difference between heaven and hell…
“In heaven” he said, “the Italians make the food and the British run the government”

He then paused and said, “In hell, the British make the food and the Italians run the government”

In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.
Which means most countries will still have functioning governments.

What can the coronavirus do that the us government can't?
Stop school shootings.

In Soviet Russia, the government regulates the pharmaceutical industry.
In America, the pharmaceutical industry regulates the government.

What's the difference between the Mafia and the Government.
One of them is organised.

What's the difference between Communism and Capitalism?
In Communism the government owns and runs and collects everything.
In Capitalism you own and run things and the government collects it for you.

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

The World Governments convinced the healthy they were sick.

Next stop,

To convince the World they'll own nothing and be happy.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

We went to downtown Washington, D. C. yesterday to see the Museum of Government Camouflage and Clandestine Activities, but we couldn't find it!

What do you call a bee that works for the government.
A pollentician.

Suicide is illegal because it’s destruction of government property.

Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I'm gonna get the government involved so you can't leave.

I have so much debt, I can start a government.

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G.!!!) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . What the...?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (Talk about a southpaw.) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts. (and God love that pig);)

Fact:
Prison inmates do more to stop pedophilia than our own government.

An Illegal Immigrant picks up a hooker.
"Hey, how much you charge for DA hour, sister?" he asks.
"$100" she replies.
In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?
"No" she says.
"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."
"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.
"I pay you $300."
"No," she says.
"I pay you $400.
"No," she says....So finally he says,
"OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style."
She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?
So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was ok. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"
The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."

An old-timer is one who can remember when going to the eternal rest didn't mean landing a job with the government.

I heard the government is putting chips into people? I hope I get BBQ.

The decision to legalize marijuana was made by a high government official.

Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone,
it would screw itself in.

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."