The Ultimate Collection of Government Jokes.

My father once asked me if I knew the difference between heaven and hell…
“In heaven” he said, “the Italians make the food and the British run the government”

He then paused and said, “In hell, the British make the food and the Italians run the government”

Long's Notes:

Always store beer in a dark place.
Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it.
If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion.
It has long been known that one horse can run faster than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial.
A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.
Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
A generation which ignores history has no past -- and no future.
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
History does not record anywhere at any time a religion that has any rational basis. Religion is a crutch for people not strong enough to stand up to the unknown without help. But, like dandruff, most people do have a religion and spend time and money on it and seem to derive considerable pleasure from fiddling with it.
It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
Of all the strange "crimes" that human beings have legislated out of nothing, "blasphemy" is the most amazing -- with "obscenity" and "indecent exposure" fighting it out for second and third place.
It's better to copulate than never.
Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks.
It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
Never appeal to a man's "better nature". He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
Avoid making irrevocable decisions while tired or hungry.
An elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.
A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes. This may be the purpose of the universe.
Stupidity cannot be cured with money, or through education, or by legislation. Stupidity is not a sin; the victim can't help being stupid. But stupidity is the only universal capital crime; the sentence is death, there is no appeal, and execution is carried out automatically and without pity.
God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent. It says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks, please. Cash and in small bills.
Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she is not.
In a family argument, if it turns out you are right, apologize at once.
To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
Does history record any case in which the majority was right?
Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
Expertise in one field does not carry over into other fields. But experts often think so. The narrower their field of knowledge the more likely they are to think so.
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmills.
Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it's none of my business, but . . . " is to place a period after the word "but". Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about.
A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being "frank".
Natural laws have no pity.
You can go wrong by being too skeptical as readily as by being too trusting.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Climate is what we expect; weather is what we get.
Pessimist by policy, optimist by temperament -- it is possible to be both. How? By never taking an unnecessary chance and by minimizing risks you can't avoid. This permits you to play out the game happily, untroubled by the certainty of the outcome.
"I came, I saw, SHE conquered." (The original Latin seems to have been garbled.)
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
Don't try to have the last word. You might get it.

I've got a great idea for tax evasion.
Apparently if you don't pay your taxes the government will give you free housing, free food and a roommate.

Suicide is illegal because it’s destruction of government property.

What do you call a feminist government?

A Dick-hater-ship.

Government creates the crises so it can "rescue" you with the loss of freedom.

Mafia: the same thing as the government, without all the pretense.

Government can't profit from self-sufficient people.

CLIMITARD /'klimit'tard/ NOUN: A PERSON THAT BELIEVES THE CLIMATE CAN BE CHANGED BY PAYING A TAX TO THE GOVERNMENT.

When the government says you don't need a gun buy two.

Remember, it's illegal to expose the illegal things the government does.

Liberty is the way.

End big government before it ends you.

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.

Mark Twain

I don't just hate "the" government. I'm consistent. I hate government.

If government is the answer, it was a stupid question.

- Say government.
- Slavery.
- Same thing.

Licensing: when government takes away your right to do something and sells it back to you.

Next time you hear something described as "Government-funded" remember that the government is 100% taxpayer-funded.

If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara desert, in 5 years, there'd be a shortage of sand.

Banks don't loan money, they loan debt, leveraged on the backs of the slaves, who are farmed by the government, and lovingly "tended" to by the education, prison and justice system.

The more trust in the government you have, the less knowledge of history you have.

"We investigated ourselves and found that we did nothing wrong"
~ The Government

Government is a disease masquerading as its own cure.

War is when your government tells you who the enemy is. Revolution is when you figure it out for yourself.

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is a government big enough to take away everything you have.

The difference between government and thieves is that thieves don't pretend they're helping you.

They convinced you that 'freedom' is giving 30-60% of your hard earned money to the government each year, just to stay out of jail.

Government: We injected you with poison.

Sheeple: Can I get my 5th booster now?!

Tyranny is that which is legal for the government but illegal for the citizenry.

"I think we have more machinery of government than is necessary, too many parasites living on the labor of the industrious."
- Thomas Jefferson (1824)

Taxation transcends mere theft; it's government-sanctioned extortion, enforcing payment in a currency under their ultimate control, to fund global havoc, all because you happen to live in a certain area they decided they rule.

This injustice is beyond profound.

You hate the current government.

I HATE GOVERNMENT.

We are not the same.

Aliens invade: "EARTHLINGS, WE HAVE KILLED YOUR LEADERS, DESTROYED YOUR ECONOMY, AND ARE HERE TO TAKE OVER YOUR GOVERNMENT"

Humans: "oh thank god"

Aliens: "wait what?"

Keep government small and people free!

Libertarians are often accused of being utopian, but nothing is more utopian than the idea that government will limit itself.

Government is the entertainment division of the military-industrial complex

The government hates us all. Especially people that speak the truth.

The government is a huge Mafia that launders your tax money right back to themselves through foreign aid and endless wars.

Remember, it's illegal to expose the illegal things the government does.

Next time you hear something described as "Government-funded" remember that the government is 100% taxpayer-funded.

I emailed myself a copy of the constitution and bill of rights so the US Government could read it.

People who think their government cares about them probably think strippers love them too.

"The best way to get rid of government waste is to stop giving it money."
- Ron Paul

"Libertarians: Keeping the government out of your bedroom and out of your wallet."
- Unknown

Asking government to fix government is like asking cancer to cure cancer.

If government is the answer, it was a stupid question.

I trust the government to lie about everything.

The government no longer needs the police to enforce tyrannical rules because brainwashed people have assumed that role themselves.

We now live in a nation where doctors destroy health, lawyers destroy justice, universities destroy knowledge, governments destroy freedom, the press destroys information, religion destroys morals, and our banks destroy the economy.

Government is a disease masquerading as its own cure.

"Propaganda is the executive arm of the invisible government."
~ Edward Bernays

Socialists say “publicly owned”. What they mean is “State controlled”.

Socialists say “Government aid”. What they mean is “taxpayers' aid”.

Socialists say “social justice”. What they mean is “selective justice”.

Socialists say “equality”. What they mean is “levelling down”.

Why do they twist the truth like this? Because they dare not spell out the Socialist reality.

M.T.

The government pays Chuck Norris taxes.

In a Libertarian society...

You choose your weaponry.

You choose your medical care.

You choose your education program.

You even choose your preferred form of money.

And there isn't squat the government can do about it.