Soviet Jokes: Humorous Insights into Soviet-Era Culture.

A train bearing Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev and Gorbachev stops suddenly when the tracks run out. Each leader applies his own, unique solution. Lenin gathers workers and peasants from miles around and exhorts them to build more track. Stalin shoots the train crew when the train still doesn’t move. Khrushchev rehabilitates the dead crew and orders the tracks behind the train ripped up and relaid in front. Brezhnev pulls down the curtains and rocks back and forth, pretending the train is moving. And Gorbachev calls a rally in front of the locomotive, where he leads a chant: “No tracks! No tracks! No tracks!”

Most countries have mafia.
In Soviet Russia, mafia have country.

Why can’t communists be trusted? They’re always Stalin stuff.

A man is driving with his wife and small child. A militia man pulls them over and makes the man take a breathalyzer test. “See,” the militia man says, “you are drunk.” The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the cop to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Exasperated, the man invites the cop to test his child. When the child registers drunk as well, the cop shrugs, says, “Yes, perhaps it is broken,” and sends them on their way. Out of earshot the man tells his wife, “See, I told you it wouldn’t hurt to give the kid a couple shots of vodka.”

Did you hear about the dyslexic KBG agent – it’s pot secret!

What’s the true price relation between the pound, the ruble and the dollar?
A pound of rubles is worth a dollar.

Why are communists so generous? They’re all about Lenin a hand.

Why can’t communists be trusted? They’re always Stalin stuff.

American spy goes undercover to a Russian university as a student
After one semester he is expelled. His supervisor asks him what happened.

- I don’t understand! Everyone goes to the sauna, I go to the sauna too. Everyone goes drinking, I go drinking too. Everyone gets hookers, I get hookers too. Everyone passed their exams, I didn’t.

How did the Russian spy distract the guard?
By stallin.

Back in Soviet Russia, little Misha is being read to by his babysitter. She reads: 'In the USSR, kindegardens are filled with wonderful toys.'
Misha listens with bright eyes.
'In the USSR, every child has a brand new bicycle.'
Little Misha opens his eyes even wider.
'In the USSR, every child drinks hot cocoa for breakfast.'
Little Misha starts crying his eyes out, bawling:
'I want to go to the USSR!'

What the soviet FBI called?
FB-WE.

The FBI, the CIA, and the KGB are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.
The FBI receive 1000 tips about the rabbit's location but refuses to investigate.

The CIA burns down the whole forest and said there's no rabbit.

The KGB drags a man out of the forest and beats him as he screams "OK I'm a rabbit!"

A farmer had his farm on the Finnish/Russian border and the government asked him what country he wanted his farm to be in since it couldn't be in both. And he said Finland and the government asked him why.
And he said "because I can't stand the russian winters".

In Soviet Russia, the government regulates the pharmaceutical industry.
In America, the pharmaceutical industry regulates the government.

Most countries have mafia.
In Soviet Russia, mafia have country.

What is the difference between Capitalism and Communism?
It's the order of events,

In Capitalism the dad goes missing and then kids report,
while in Communism kids report then dad goes missing.

Capitalism has many problems but communism only has 3
- Breakfast
- Lunch
- Dinner

Three men enter a bar in the USSR. One says, "Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?" The other one says, "Because he was afraid of capitalism."
The whole bar died laughing.

What happened when Gorbachev had a hangover and became sick?
He was thoroughly hammered and sickled.

“Comrade Rabinowitz, why weren’t you present at the last meeting of the Communist Party?”
“No-one told me it would be the last one. If I had known that I would have come with my whole family.”

Question to Radio Armenia: “Is it possible to build Communism in a random capitalist country like, say, the Netherlands?”
Answer: “Of course it’s possible but what have the Netherlands ever done to you?”

What’s the definition of a Russian string quartet? A Soviet orchestra back from a US tour.

A regional Communist Party meeting is held to celebrate the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution. The Chairman gives a speech: “Dear comrades! Let’s look at the amazing achievements of our Party after the revolution. For example, Maria here, who was she before the revolution? An illiterate peasant; she had but one dress and no shoes. And now? She is an exemplary milkmaid known throughout the entire region. Or look at Ivan Andreev. He was the poorest man in this village; he had no horse, no cow, not even an axe. And now? He is a tractor driver with two pairs of shoes! Or Trofim Semenovich Alekseev – he was a nasty hooligan, a drunk, and a dirty gadabout. Nobody would trust him with as much as a snowdrift in wintertime, as he would steal anything he could get his hands on. And now he’s Secretary of the Party Committee!”

An American dog, a Polish dog and a Soviet dog sit together. The American dog says “In my country if you bark long enough, you will be heard and given some meat”. The Polish dog replies “What is ‘meat’?” The Soviet dog says “What is ‘bark’?”

A man is driving with his wife and small child. A militia man pulls them over and makes the man take a breathalyzer test. “See,” the militia man says, “you are drunk.” The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the cop to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Exasperated, the man invites the cop to test his child. When the child registers drunk as well, the cop shrugs, says, “Yes, perhaps it is broken,” and sends them on their way. Out of earshot the man tells his wife, “See, I told you it wouldn’t hurt to give the kid a couple shots of vodka.”

A worker standing in a liquor line says: “I have had enough, save my place, I am going to shoot Gorbachev.” Two hours later he returns to claim his place in line. His friends ask, “Did you get him?” “No, the line there was even longer than the line here.”

An American explains to a Russian that the United States is a truly free country because he can stand in front of the White House and shout “To hell with Ronald Reagan!” The Russian says that this is nonsense because he can easily stand in Red Square and shout “To hell with Ronald Reagan.”

A train bearing Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev and Gorbachev stops suddenly when the tracks run out. Each leader applies his own, unique solution. Lenin gathers workers and peasants from miles around and exhorts them to build more track. Stalin shoots the train crew when the train still doesn’t move. Khrushchev rehabilitates the dead crew and orders the tracks behind the train ripped up and relaid in front. Brezhnev pulls down the curtains and rocks back and forth, pretending the train is moving. And Gorbachev calls a rally in front of the locomotive, where he leads a chant: “No tracks! No tracks! No tracks!”

The regional KGB headquarters in Arkhangelsk suffered a major fire and was almost completely destroyed. Shortly after, a man called looking for help.

“I’m sorry, we can’t do anything,” said the receptionist. “The KGB has burnt down.”

Five minutes later, the receptionist received another call. “I’m sorry, we can’t help. The KGB has burnt down.”

Another five minutes passed, and the phone rang again. The receptionist recognised the voice as the man who’d twice called previously.

“Why do you keep calling? I told you that the KGB has burnt down.”

“I know. I just like hearing it.”

A schoolboy wrote in his weekly essay: “My cat just had seven kittens. They’re all communist.”

The following week, the boy wrote: “my cat’s kittens are all capitalist.”

The teacher called him up and asked him to explain the sudden change. “Last week, you said they were all communists!”

The boy nodded. “They were, but this week they all opened their eyes.”

A man walks into a shop. He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any meat?” The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any fish. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.”

What flies undercover and causes much buzz in Russia? KGBees.