Embracing Laughter in Times of Loss: Funeral Jokes that Celebrate Life.

Your whole life is spent gathering people for your funeral.

Birthdays are funeral rehearsals with cake.

At my funeral,
Take the bouquet out of my coffin and throw it into the coward.
See who's next!

I took my grandfather to one of those fish spas where little fish eat away all the dead skin.
It cost $50 but was still a lot cheaper than a funeral.

Cook's Law: Much work, much food; little work, little food; no work, burial at sea.

At my funeral, I’d like a friend to take my cell phone and text everyone,
“Thanks so much for coming!”

How do the Irish cure a hangover?
With a funeral.

To people who will come to my funeral, Sorry for not being able to offer you a drink.

My wife was so fat when she died that the handles snapped off her coffin.

We had four weldings and a funeral.

Did you know it's not uncommon to get a boner at a funeral?
.
.
.
It's known as mourning wood.

When a funeral director practices driving his vehicle over and over again,
is he rehearsing?

As a funeral director, I tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.

Because if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be hilarious.

I heard, that when the carrot died, there was a big turnip at his funeral.......

America is going through such bad luck at the moment.
It's as if the whole country were built on haunted Indian burial grounds...

At a crowded funeral for a popular well known man, the wife stands finally to ask “Would any of you who knew Jim like to say a few words?” An older gentleman from the back shuffled forward, took a deep breathe, and stated loudly “PLETHORA SHITLOAD FUCKTON”
The wife hugged the man firmly, and said “Thanks. That means so much.”

If smoking's not allowed at my funeral I'm not going!

We were all pretty sad at Grandad's funeral when we were told he was killed by a Tennis Ball.
Still, it was a lovely Service.

It was the inventor of the dishwasher’s funeral today. The coffin was lowered into the ground only to be taken out by his wife and put back in properly.

The tensest funeral I’ve ever been to was for the man who invented the Jack-in-the-box.

At Grandads Funeral we decided to bury him vertically.
Plot twist.

I’m sick of being single.
I’m going to a funeral tomorrow!

"Knock Knock."

"Who's there ?"

"Grandad"

"BLOODY Hell, stop the funeral !!!!"

Most Men will receive their first flowers at their funeral only.

My Grandad's funeral has cost us over £12,000 so far.!!
I wish we hadn't buried him in a rented suit.

At the funeral of the richest man in town, a stranger saw a woman crying very loudly. The stranger said, “Are you a relative of the deceased?”
“No.”
“Then why are you crying?”
“That’s why!”

When did Julius Caesar die?
A few days before his funeral.

A new funeral home is being built directly across the street from an existing one. Looks like there will be some stiff competition.

Sad news, today I attended the funeral of a friend who had been hit on the head with a tennis ball

It was a lovely service.

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a traffic wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
"Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork"

The inventor of the throat lozenge died last week!
There was no cough-in at his funeral!

Dave got fired from his job for asking the customers “smoking” or “non smoking.” Apparently the correct terms are “burial” or “cremation.”

I hate how funerals are always at 9am.

I'm not really a mourning person.

I recently saw an ad for burial plots. Honestly, that’s the last thing I need.

The man who invented the throat lozenge has died...
Apparently there will be no coffin at his funeral.

They say masturbation is better with a dead arm...

Apparently I ruined that funeral!

An idiot was standing on the pavement watching a funeral procession when a passerby asked, “Do you know whose funeral it is?”

The idiot replied, “I can’t say for sure. But I think it’s that guy’s in the coffin.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully We'll wait."

My cousin decided to try parkour, so he jumped off a single floor hotel. Anyway, to make a long story short
would've helped. Funeral's Thursday.

Father-in-law = Near halfwit
Funeral = Real Fun
Garbage Man = Bag Manager
Graduation = Out in a drag!
Heavy Rain? = Hire a Navy!

The eyes = They see
A gentleman = Elegant man
Funeral = Real fun
The Morse Code = Here come dots
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one

A guy goes on vacation in the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law.

The mother-in-law dies.

So the couple goes to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home, but it will cost over $5,000, whereas burying her in the Holy Land would cost only $150.

“We’ll ship her home,” says the husband.
The undertaker asks, “Are you sure? That’s an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here.”

The husband says, “Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and then blamed it on the cost of living!!!

A linguist dies.
At the funeral, a fellow academic asks his wife, “do you mind if I say a word?”
She nods.
He stands and says “Plethora”, and immediately sits back down.
She says, tearfully, “thank you, that means a lot.”

The man who owned Odeon cinemas has died.
His funeral is on Monday @ 2:10, 4:20 & 8:40.

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist". The proctologist fainted.

The tensest crowd I've ever seen was at the funeral of the man who invented the Jack in the Box.

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

A new small business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said “Rest in Peace”.

The business owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said.

“Sir, I m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on your new location.”

I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.

Driving home from the funeral, she realized her panties had disappeared. She suspects it was the undertaker.

As a Funeral Director, I’ll either be the last to let you down or give you the smoking hot body you always wanted.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Grandad!
Shoot stop the funeral!

My uncle was crushed to death by a piano.
His funeral was very low key 😂

After a friends funeral we all went to the cemetery I asked the widow “do you mind if I say a word?” She said “no go right ahead” I stood up and I said “plethora”. She said “thanks that means a lot”

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral' 😎

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!" They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals. ☦