Hilarious Christmas Jokes: Spreading Festive Cheer with Laughter

One does not simply jingle only half way.

Get your relatives talking to each other again by sending a Christmas card with your family photo including an extra child nobody knows.

Mum, can I have a cat for Christmas this year?
No, you’ll have turkey like the rest of us.

I hate Christmas shopping for the wife, I've just wasted two hours in a queue to discover Poundland don’t do gift vouchers.

My wife wants a pony for Christmas. I think a traditional turkey would taste better, but it’s her choice.

So, have you heard about one of Santa's workers who couldn't keep his cool? Yes, he had no elf control!!

Where does Santa's stripper mom work?
The North Pole.

What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”

Does Santa have a problem with premature ejaculation?
I keep hearing about how sometimes he comes early.

So my plumber is doing this Christmas-time ballet....
He's calling it the Buttcracker.

What do you call a letter that is sent up the chimney on Christmas eve? Blackmail.

To everyone who received a book from me for Christmas. They are due back at the library next Friday. Thank you.

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents?
Because the rest of the letters were not-E.

Christmas trees look toward the future, because the present’s beneath them.

Why did Santa's shortest helper go to a therapist? He suffered from low elf esteem.

Winter solstice sounds like something we should celebrate with chips and dip.

What do young reindeer want for Christmas? A pony sleigh station.

What is the best Christmas present? A broken drum..you can't beat it!

Christmas: The time of year when everyone gets Santamental.

My friend Elle asked me to tell her a Christmas joke.

I said, "No, Elle."

What do you call Santa Claus with muscles?

Mr. XMass

My Christmas spirit is vodka

I went to the card store to get Christmas cards. I asked the salesperson where to find them. She said, "Aisle B." I said, "Aisle B?" She said, "Yeah. You know, "Aisle B Home for Christmas!"

What did Adam say the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!

The wife's been hinting that she wants something black and lacy for Christmas so I've got her a pair of football boots.

In my version of “A Christmas Carol”, I get visited by the ghosts of hangovers past, present and future to learn the value of hydration.

🎅 People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.🤣

This Christmas I want to be clean and sober. By that I mean I'll be showered and heading to the liquor store.

I have decided to put mistletoe in my back pocket this year! 🎄

What’s the forecast for Christmas Eve?
Rain, dear.

I just opened a Christmas card and some rice fell out.
Must be from my uncle Ben.

Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper ?

He sold his soul to Santa.

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I could see them!

I AM THE REASON SANTA HAS A NAUGHTY LIST!

Christmas is just like my job. I do all the work and the fat guy in a suit is the one that gets the credit!

"Jingle Bells" is just a jingle to sell bells.

Gonna go lay under the Christmas tree to remind my family that I'm a gift.

My friend is very excited to be hired as a branch manager at the local Christmas tree store…

Y’all better not ask Santa for someone sexy because i can’t be with everyone at once.

What is the difference between St George and Santa's reindeer? One slays a dragon, the others are dragging a sleigh.

Santa Claus did
a gig once,
he totally sleighed it.

How does Santa organize his toy inventory?

He puts it in elfabetic order.

For Christmas I'm getting my girlfriend a wooden leg...
It's not her main present.... just a stocking filler.

Did you know that Father Christmas has a daughter?
Her name is Mary Christmas.

How do you know if Father Christmas is really a werewolf? He has Santa claws…

Why did Frosty ask for a divorce?
His wife was a total flake!

Why is Father Christmas never on zoom?
His screen freezes.

What do you get if you cross a Christmas tree with an ipad? A Pineapple.

How does Santa take photos? With his North Polearoid.

Spotted Santa’s assistant taking a photo in a mirror. Think it was an elfie.

What do pirates use to decorate their ship for Christmas?
Garrr-land.

What is orange and fizzy and comes down the chimney at Christmas? Fanta Claus.

I ate a string of Christmas bulbs last night. It was a pretty light dinner.

Q: Where do werewolves buy Christmas gifts?
A: Beast Buy.

What do you call a Christmas wreath that is made of $100 bills??? Aretha Franklins!!

A couple is walking in St.Petersburg on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.
“I think it’s raining,” says the man.
“No, it’s snowing,” says the woman.
“How about we ask this communist officer? He is always right. Is it raining or snowing, Officer Rudolph?”
“Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph says before walking off.
The man turns to his wife,
“See, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear.”

What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day?
St. O'Claus.

How does Santa take photos? With his North Polearoid.

I gave my girlfriend a mink for Christmas. She hasn't cleaned its cage once! .. How bloody ungrateful!

Why is it hard to wash the dishes at Christmas? Because the Fairy is on top of the tree...