Birthday Jokes: A Recipe for Laughter and Celebration

Birthdays are funeral rehearsals with cake.

Buying her a toolbox for her birthday so she can fix her attitude.

For my birthday my friends hired a stripper, he was rubbish..I got most of the paint off the doors myself.

I asked my friend when their birthday was. He said March 1st.

I stood up, walked around the room, and asked again

Today was my daughter’s fourth birthday, and it was like I didn’t even recognize her. I’ve never seen her be four.

I just had another birthday.
- When is “old enough to know better” supposed to kick in?

My parents were really poor.
On my 12th birthday they put half a cake with six candles up against a mirror.

Statistics show that those who celebrate more birthdays live longer.

Someone messaged me "HBD HBD HBD!" on my birthday.
So I messaged him "HA HA HA!" on his wedding anniversary.

I just got a new shovel for my birthday,I really dig it.

He realizes that it's her birthday while driving home from work. Frantically he pulls over at the first toy store he sees and runs inside. He runs up to the clerk and says
"I need a present for my daughter, she likes dolls, do you have any?"
"Sure," the clerk says "we have plenty of barbies. We have Ballet Barbie for 19.95, Veteranarian Barbie for 19.95, Lawyer Barbie for 19.95, and Divorced Barbie for 195.95." The man screams,
"WHAT! Why is divorced Barbie so much more expensive?"
"Well, divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, house, and half of his money.

The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.
'Excuse me for disturbing you, ma'am,' he said politely, ' but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I've noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread!' 'That's right.' 'Every day you wallop him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were hitting him with a chocolate cake....?' 'Well, today is his birthday!'

What did the little boy with no hands get for his birthday?
... IDK, he hasn't opened it yet!

My wife was with a younger man last night. It’s ok, today is my birthday!

Happy Birthday to my wife, my lover and sweetheart. How cool is that, all of them were born on the same day!

I went to the librarian’s birthday party today.
I wished her many happy returns. 📚

For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping. That was a rude awakening.

I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, "This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.

He never forgets his wife's birthday. It's the day the ambulance usually picks him up from work.

The best present ever is a broken drum.
It's hard to beat.

Do you guys know what i gifted my fav web series on its birthday?
I gave it a watch.

We were so poor when I was a lad , when I opened my train set for my birthday present , it had been replaced by a temporary bus service with sunday hours....

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

For her birthday, I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there looking at the trees for half an hour.
Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently.

MYSTERY - Does anyone actually know what you should really do when people around you are singing 'Happy birthday to you'?

What do you say when you give somebody a boomerang for their birthday?

Many happy returns!

I got my wife a vibrator for her birthday. She’s done nothing but moan ever since.

Birthday gifts are rewards for not dying this year.

A man walks into a seafood store carrying a trout under his arm.
“Do you make fish cakes?” he asked.
“Yes, we do,” replied the fishmonger.
“Great,” said the man, “It’s his birthday.”

I went to a really trendy nightclub the other night. The doorman said to me "Sorry mate, I can’t let you in, you've had too many!"
I said "What, drinks?"
He said "No, birthdays".

Why did the birthday boy wrap himself in paper?
He wanted to live in the present.

How do pickles celebrate their birthday? They relish the moment.

Pieces of popcorn always have the best birthdays. Why? Because they're always popping!

How does the cat celebrate its birthday? By turning up the mewsic.

What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake.

What did the elephant want for his birthday? A trunk full of gifts.

What does a turtle do on his birthday? He shell-a-brates!

Don't get weird about getting older! Age is simply the number of years the world has been enjoying us!

What did one candle say to the other? "Don't birthdays just burn you up?"

What does every birthday end with? The letter Y!

Birthdays are natures way of telling us to eat more cake.

Why do candles love birthdays so much? They just wanna get lit!

Birthdays are nice and all, but I think too many can kill you!

Age is a relative thing. All my relatives keep reminding me how old I am.

Wine improves with age. We improve with wine.

After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.

Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.

“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.

“You need all the practice you can get!”

Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.

The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.

“What’s the matter,” he asks.

“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.

“How do you know already?” he enquires.

“You’re still here.”

A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.

She rejects them all.

“Well you tell me what you want then.”

“I want a divorce.” she replies.

“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”

Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”

“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”

After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.

“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”

A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking.”
Wife: “This is me, I’m talking to the wine”.

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

When’s your birthday?
Juту 21st.
What year?
Every year.

What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!

What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.

Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.

Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.

What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.