Love, Laughter, and Valentine's Jokes to Brighten Your Day.

My girlfriend gave me a Valentine's Day card

Silly girl disguised it as a restraining order.

Did my taxes on Valentines Day

It was the only way I was getting fucked today.

Please use a condom on Valentines Day.
I hate Taurus.

My wife said she wanted me to give her a ring for Valentines, I said okay, mobile or landline?

Me: pick a card, any card...

My wife: that's not how valentine's works.

I'd just like to wish a happy Valentine's Day to my left hand. You've always been there for me through the hard times.

My girlfriend gave me a Valentine's Day card.

Silly girl disguised it as a restraining order.

A bit of advice please.
Is 'motherfucker' one word, or two?

It's for a Valentine's card, so I want it to be right.

If you want flowers on February 14th just die On February 13th.

Relationship Status: buys myself Valentine's candy and eats it.

Call me Barrack cause imma spend this valentines Obama self.

Wondering who gave you a card on Valentine's Day? Good.
Wondering who gave you a card on Father's Day? Bad.

For 20 years I received a Valentine’s card from the same secret admirer. I didn’t get one this year. First Gran dies, now this.

What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?
Forget-me-nuts.

Why couldn't the bobsledder get a date for Valentine's Day?
He was a luger.

Just said to the missus…”Hey fat gut..what do you want for Valentines Day”
She said “Don’t get f*cking lippy”
I said “Mascara it is then!”

Ever heard the Valentine's Day story about the couple that met at a dairy farm?...
It's kinda cheesy.

I gave blood today. I know it's not the best gift to give my wife for Valentine's Day.
But it came from the heart.

For years now, I've been getting a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer.
So, I'm pretty sad I've not got one this year...
First my granny dies, now this?

Side chicks are getting leftover Halloween candy for Valentine’s Day
Her:”Why u give me ghost shape candy?”
Him:”Cuz you my Boo”

Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching and Little Johnny was anxious to receive and give Valentine cards during his classroom party,.. Mainly because there were two girls he was particularly very fond of. The rest of his class received the usual “store bought” cheap Valentines that read cutesy “Be Mines”,
But he took special care and time in hand-making two special cards for these two sweethearts in his life.
The first read:
Roses are Red, Pickles are Green, I love your legs and what’s in between. I like your style, I like your class, But most of all I love your ass.
And to the other girl he wrote:
* * * Roses are Stupid, Violets are Silly! Bend over Babe ’cause here comes my Willy!

Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive on Valentines Day by 90 percent.... Wedding cake.

- What is the true purpose of Valentine's Day?
- To remind single people they are single.

- What do you call a very small valentine?
- A valentiny!

- What is another way of saying Happy Valentines day!
- S.A.D, Singles Awareness Day!

- Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
- Sure, they're very scent-imental !

- What is the difference between a calendar and you?
- A calendar has a date on Valentine's day.

- What do single people call Valentine's Day?
- Happy Independance Day.

Roses are red, violets are blue. If he's busy on Valentines Day, the side chick is you!

- What did the valentines day card say to the stamp?
- Stick with me and you'll go places.

Girl: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons."
Boy: "Really?"
Girl: "Yeah, you make me sick!"

- "What did one blueberry say to the other on Valentine's Day?"
- "I love you berry much."

- "What do you call a Valentine's Day gift that didn't arrive time?"
- "Choco-late."

- "What do farmers give for Valentine’s Day?"
- "Lots of hogs and kisses."

- "What did the ghost say to his valentine?"
- "You look so BOOtiful."

- "What do you call a very small Valentine?"
- "A valen-tiny."

- "How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?"
- "He gave her a ring!"

- "How can you tell when a squirrel is in love?"
- "It goes nuts!"

- "What do you call two birds in love?"
- "Tweethearts!"

"Why did the sheriff lock up their valentine?" "She stole their heart."

"Why didn’t the skeleton want to send any Valentine’s Day cards?" "His heart wasn’t in it."

"What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine’s Day?" "I’m stuck on you!"

"What do you write in a slug's Valentine's Day card?" "Be my Valen-slime!"