Laughing with the Beasts - Animal Jokes that Tame Your Funny Bone!

Bought a new muzzle for my pet duck the other day.
Nothing fancy, but it fits the bill.

Lizards are just 4 wheel drive snakes.

I often wonder if horses notice the meaner rodeo cowboys and put them on their...
...buckit list.

The least interesting pig of the species is the bore.

What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a moostache.

Every time the doorbell rings, my dog goes and sits in the corner ~ he’s a boxer.

A man leads a horse by the bridle, on the road. A guy asks him.
-Man where are you taking that horse?
-To the vet.
-Horse is sick?
-No.
-Blind?
-No?
-Lame?
-No.
-Not eating anymore?
-No.
-Then why taking the horse to the vet?
-Its his horse.

The pirate ship crewed by cats would have been more successful...
but ther was a mewtiny.

Was going to buy an exotic spider from the pet shop, then I realised I could get one cheaper on the web.

How does a spider go into battle?
Well armed.

Caught a glimpse of a bird's nest today.
I was just finches away.

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs, but I trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

What's a cat's favorite color?
Purrple.

Where’s the best place to find out about chickens? In a hencyclopedia.

What do you get when you cross a bear and a cow?

I don't know but i wouldn't try to milk it.

Lots of cows struggle to put on weight. The problem is, they don't eat full meals - they are usually grazers.

Why did the dog want to go to yoga classes?
He was really ma-stiff.

Do you know what animal has the dirtiest most cussing mouth in the world?
A bird, they have fowl language!

Why don't fish skip school? They might get caught.

Two spiders got married and bought their first home.
I was so happy for the newlywebs.

I have been keeping bees for a few months now. I get quite a buzz out of it.

What do you call an explosive monkey? A ba-boom.

Wow, aren’t some animals amazing? Just passed a hospital, and a sign outside read ‘Guard dogs operate at this hospital’.

How do fleas travel? They itch hike.

Apparently to start a zoo you need at least two pandas, a grizzly and three polars.
It's the bear minimum.

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose? Hare spray.

Why did the cat go to the vet? Because he said he wasn't feline fine!

I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.

Did you know that if male sheep and llamas are put in the same field they fight?
You end up with a ram-a-llama-ding-dong!

Most common pig injury? Sprained oinkle.

Where do cows go on a date?
The moo-vies.

My dog has a lot of potential. You just have to unleash it.

My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...

"Swarm."

How do horses stay in such great shape?
They keep a stable diet.

Which kinds of snakes are found on cars? Windshield vipers!

Q: How do bees get to school?
A: By school buzz!

A snail was mugged by two turtles. The police asked the snail, “What happened?” The snail responded “I don’t know! It all happened so fast!”

Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.

Q: What is a giraffe's favorite fruit?
A: Neck-tarines!

The wild horses just got out of the barn! Be very careful; they’re unstable!

Why aren’t koalas considered bears?
Because they don’t have the koalafications!

What did the Dalmatian say after lunch?
That hit the spot!

What do you call an ant that fights crime? A vigilanty.

What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
About 3000 miles.

How do you save a cow who has a heart attack?
Use a beefibrillator.

There are different opinions on how to react to a hostile dog.
I’m on the fence on this one.

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

How do you save a cow who has a heart attack?
Use a beefibrillator.

Saw a fight this morning between a rabbit & a hedgehog...the hedgehog won on points!

You can't shoot an ill eagle because it's illegal!

What’s the difference between a happy dog and a marine biologist?
One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it!!
How do you catch a tame one?
The tame way!

Birds probably do more people watching than people do bird watching.

This common garden bird flew into my mouth once.
Swallow?
No. I managed to spit it out.

What do you call a beaver that cannot build its house? A dam shame.

What do you call a rabbit with lots of flees?......Bugs Bunny.

Keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain, this is due to all the... *indoor fins*.

What do you call a blind seahorse?
A horse because it can't sea.

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, “Where were you during the first half?” He replied “Putting on my shoes!”.

How do snails fight?
They slug it out!