Laughing with the Beasts - Animal Jokes that Tame Your Funny Bone!

if cats could text you they wouldn't.

I surveyed a bunch of horses on whether they like to walk, trot, or run. It was a gallop poll.

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?……….to keep their nuts dry!….

hitman: who am I killing?

dog: ever hear a guy named pavlov?

hitman: rings a bell

dog: that's right

Have you ever heard the story about the woodpecker? The story is full of holes!

I asked my dog how was his vet appointment.
He said "ruff".

Two duck friends went out to eat. At the end of their meal, they got into a quarrel over their bills.

Lions can't swallow their pride. That'd be cannibalism.

I’ve got a dog called Curiosity...
I no longer have a cat.

chameleon: put me on a piece of glass

me: i’m confused

chameleon: let me be clear

Why do bees have sticky hair?...... because they use honey combs.

What do you call wasps that collect honey? A wannabee.

One shepherd to another shepherd : "Let's get the flock out of here ! "

Interesting fact: The T-Shirt is actually short for Tyrannosaurus Shirt. Because of the small arms.

When someone mentioned a bunch of cows were coming to town, I replied, "I know, I herd!"

There's nothing more hurtful than a cat immediately washing the spot where you just pet it.

Why did the deer get braces? Because he had buck teeth.

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they're way too big for him.

When a cougar gets so old she needs a hearing aid, she becomes a Def Leppard…

What’s black, white and very noisy? A panda with a set of drums.

Why don't wild pigs go to parties? Because they're boars.

When one grizzly starts growling, they all start growling.
I’ve mentioned this before, bears repeating.

Did you hear about the mute who got into a fight with a tiger?

I guess the cat got his tongue.

Mule:

A half assed attempt at creating a new species

How could the dolphin afford to buy a house ? He prawned everything !

CHICKEN: (noun) A device used by an egg to clone itself.

I heard it takes at least five sheep to make a sweater, i didn't even know sheep could knit.

What kind of bone will a dog never chew?
A tromBONE!

How did the sheep get to sleep?
She counted her friends!

Where do horses go when they are sick...to horsepital!

Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.

My cat lost his tail in an accident. But I was able to get him a new one at a retail store.

Some guy at a pet store tried to sell me a spider. Ridiculous. I can get one much cheaper off the web.

What do you call a Cow on a Elevator.
Raising the steaks.

If dogs actually understood people, they wouldn’t like us at all.

Where does a bee sit?
On its bee-hind.

My pet snail gets embarrassed about leaving a slimy trail.
And to be honest I can see where he’s coming from.

What is the least dependable type of bee?
A maybee!

How do fish give birth?
Sea section.

What did the vet say about the sick tiger?
I don’t think he is feline well!

Being an Armadillo seems nice. If you get scared or nervous you can just @

What kind of bees live in graveyards?
Zombees.

Jellyfish exist as a species for 500 million years and surviving just fine without a brain. That gives hope to many people...

What is a magician’s favourite dog breed? Labracadabrador.

My pet mouse ’ELVIS’ died last night
He was caught in a trap....

My dwarf cow only gives condensed milk.

Tried feeding the animals at the museum but they were already stuffed...

I was attacked by a herd of cows.
I'm okay.
I was just grazed.

My pet shark lost the tip off his back. now it's just a dull fin.

My child will not eat fish. What can I replace it with?
A cat. Cats love eating fish.

Paddy goes into a pet shop and says,
"Can I buy a goldfish please?"
The assistant says, "Do you want an aquarium?"
Paddy says, "I don't care what star sign it is!"

My son came in from school and said, "The teacher gave me a B for my Biology practical."

I said, "That's good, well done."

He said, "No it isn't. Everyone else got a fuckin frog to cut up."

What happened to the crab that went to the undersea party ?

He pulled a muscle !

“The stork came to our house last night.”
“Was it a boy or a girl?”
“Well,we don’t know yet.We have it chained to the porch,and if it lays an egg,it’s a girl.”

Why is the sea so strong?

It's strong because it has so many mussels.

Why do green beans meditate? To find inner peas!

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.

A race horse and a cart horse are stabled next to each other. The cart horse says to the race horse, " You have a really easy life! Every morning they put a harness onto me and make me pull a really heavy load! If I don`t go fast enough I get hit with a whip!"
"Hah", says the race horse, " I get to have a human put on my back and made to run and run and run. If I don`t go quick enough I get whacked with a whip!"
Just then a sheepdog walks into the stable. "Listen to you two moaning about life!"
"Flipping heck!" says the race horse, "A talking dog!"

I was raised by a pack of wild hyenas, life was tough and food was scarce but boy did we laugh.

Did you hear about the sad dog made of cantaloupe? He was a melon collie.