Laughing with the Beasts - Animal Jokes that Tame Your Funny Bone!

What do lions wear while exercising?
Leotards.

How does a chicken leave its coop? By the eggsit.

What do you get when you mix elephants with kangaroos?
Earthquakes in Australia.

What do you call a cat with 8 Legs ?? Mating.

A big cat escaped it's cage at the zoo yesterday.
If I saw that I'd puma pants.

What kind of bird doesn’t know the words to their own song?
A hummingbird.

My dog polly has tics. I apologize in advance for discussing Polly tics on this site.

What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?
A woolly jumper.

How do you transport a gravely ill Pig?
In a hambulance!

There was an insect flying about in my office this afternoon. He flew in the window, and had a good snoop around.
I had asked him what he was up to, but he looked very uncomfortable and refused to answer my questions before making his excuses and flying out of the window again.
I suspect he was the cagey bee.

One cow : " I got artificially inseminated this morning, you know."
Other cow : "No way ! "
First cow : "Yeah, straight up - no bull ."

What does an atheist fisherman believe? That there is no cod.

Getting nervous that I’m being followed around by a large wading bird. I think I’m being storked.

What do you call a fish that wearing a bowtie?
Sofishticated!

I want to live in a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.

Why is it so easy to weigh fish?
because they have scales.

Why is an Elephant big and grey?

Because if it was small and purple it would be a grape.

What do you call a kleptomaniac bunny?

A grabbit.

Got a pet zebra, didn’t realize how hungry they are.
He eats like a horse.

What do you get if you cross a dog with a tiger?
A very nervous postman.

Did you know?
The dumbest animal in the jungle is the Polar Bear.

Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.

A rabbit lives in the woods and wants to go and explore the nearby meadow. His mum says "if you go into the meadow, the fairy of the wood will turn you into an idiot."
He ignores his mum and the fairy of the wood does exactly what his mum says, and turns him into an idiot.
The moral of this story?
Hare today, goon tomorrow...

I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake.

He said, “Well spotted”.

This morning I noticed my neighbour was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor old buggar thought her cat understood her.

When I got home I told my dog. We laughed so much together !!

Where does a Starfish do their shopping?
The Gro-Sea-Store.

How do chickens leave the town hall?
They use the eggs-it.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Big fingers!

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you'll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.

What do you call a cat with 8 legs?
An Octopuss.

Why was the bald rabbit sad??

He lost his hare.

My son just asked me: what do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Pregnant!

I have been teaching my dog to fetch tools from my workshop...
He’s not perfect.
But he knows the drill now.

How does an elephant get up a 30 foot oak tree?
He sits on an acorn and waits.

Do you know why cows stand so close together? So they can be herd.

How did the frog burn its tongue?

It ate a Firefly!

A duck's opinion of me is solely based on whether or not I have any bread.-Mitch Hedberg

Did you hear about the lion that ate his friends? - He had to swallow his pride.

- How do you greet bees?
- Hive five!

What do lizards play on the piano?
Scales.

Why do dogs carry bones in their mouths?
Coz they don't have pockets...

What do you call a bird that is scared of heights?

A chicken.

What’s the difference between a mosquito and a fly?
A mosquito can fly, but a fly can’t mosquito.

Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?

It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.

What do you call Bears with no ears

B.

What's brown and falls out of trees?
Dead monkeys.

Why do walruses love a Tupperware party?
They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them

I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love, but I also have a cat to remind me that I don’t deserve it. It’s all about balance.

If cats had wings, they would still just lay there.

What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?

Plenty of room.

I asked how much the creature that looked like an ill octopus cost and what it was. The chap said "Sick squid"

Why do bears have fur coats? Because they’d look silly in suede jackets.

What do you call a cow in a tornado? A milkshake.

Got a centipede as a pet and named him Yacht, so I can tell people I have a hundred foot yacht.

What do you call a group of Killer Whales playing instruments?

An Orca-stra.

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year... so that's just being hippocritical.

Why do sharks live in salt water? Because pepper water makes them sneeze!

I can't take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him.....

It's my fault for getting one that's pure Bread.

What do you call in insect on the moon? A lunar tick.