Laughing with the Beasts - Animal Jokes that Tame Your Funny Bone!

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards.
That's right. The steaks were pretty high.

Two elephants were walking past a watering hole when one suddenly runs forward and kicks a turtle off the rock it was sat on.
"What on earth did you do that for?", his friend said.
"45 years ago, I was having a drink here and he bit me really hard on the trunk."
"How do you know it was him?"
"I recognised him!"
"Blimey, you have a good memory."
"Yes," he said, "turtle recall....."

Called the vets this morning...
Me: "Hello, I need to make an appointment for my pet Ostrich."
Vet: "Ok what's the problem?"
Me: "He's holding his head to one side."
Vet: "Hmm, maybe neck's weak?"
Me: "Haven't you got anything sooner?"

What's black and white and says "Oooo"?
A cow with no lips.

Kid: "Dad what's leather made from?"
Dad: "Hide"
Kid: "What???"
Dad: "Hide... a cows outside"
Kid: "I'm not afraid of a cow..."

What do you call a herd of sheep tumbling down a hill ?

A lambslide.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

A penguin walks into a bar,
Goes to the counter and says to the barman,
Have you seen my brother?
The barman says,
I don't know,
What does he look like ?

-What type of TV do squirrels watch?
- Nut-flix.

An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.

What is the richest fish in the sea?????
The goldfish.

I threw a ball for my dog... It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.

Some people say putting helium in animals is wrong. I say whatever floats your goat.

Can dogs detect broken bones in your body?
No, but cat scan.

If you're confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.

What do you call an octopus with no head?
.
.
.
T E N T A C L E S

If an alcoholic is someone addicted to alcohol, is a catholic someone addicted to cats?

A man takes his dog to the vet.
The vet asks "what seems to be the problem?"
"My dog is cross-eyed" the man replies.
The vet grabs the dog by the ears, lifts him up face to face, stares at him for a minute before declaring, "Well I'm gonna have to put him down."
Horrified, the man asks "Why?! Just because he's cross-eyed?"
The vet looks at him confused, "No...because he's heavy"

Why is it so hard to milk a bull?
It’s utterly impossible.

A friend had bred a messenger pigeon with a woodpecker. Not only does it deliver a message, it knocks the door when it gets there.

The zookeeper told me I wasn't allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a bar code.

One day a bear ate an entire goose. The next day he felt down in the dumps.

I’ve got a chicken proof lawn at my house.
It’s impeccable.

The beaver lived in a treeless region and he couldn't -
do a dam thing about it!

Why did the elephant paint his toe nails red?
.... so he could hide in a cherry tree!

A friend’s dog swallowed a cushion. The vet has described its condition as comfortable.

An octopus held up the local bank. Apparently he was well armed.

I accidentally used the dog shampoo this morning. I'm feeling like a good boy today!

The fact that we know chameleons exist, proves they are failures!

I renewed my car insurance over the phone this morning, and as I was about to hang up the woman on the other end asked if I had a pet.
I said, "Yes, i've got a dog."
She said, "Would you like to insure him too?"
I said, "No thanks, he can't drive!"

Imagine being completely naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and all want touch you. That's a life of a dog.

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has its claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause.

How does an elephant get out of a tree?
Sits on a leaf and waits till autumn!

A dog was sending a telegram
The attendant said “what would you like me to write?”
Dog said “woof woof
Woof wooof woof wofff!
Attendant “you know for the same money you can fit another woof in “
Dog said “don’t you think that will sound a bit ridiculous!

What is the last little duckling following its mom called?
A Chiropractor.
Why is it called a Chiropractor?
Because it’s the back quacker!

Why did the ram run off the cliff?....
He didn’t see the ewe turn.

How do you measure a snake?

In inches—they don’t have feet.

Saw an owl having a game of chess with a bird with a big beak. I thought “toucan play that game.”

I’ve just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.

A Dung Beetle walked into a bar and said, "Is this stool taken?"

The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.

A friend of mine used to live in a lake filled with ducks but he moved out when he got fed up with all the bills.

Why did the cat cross the road?
Because the chicken had a laser pointer 🙄

Why should you never trust a pig with a secret?

Because it's bound to squeal.

What do you call a really big ant?
A giANT.

I spotted a lion at the zoo the other day. He looks like a leopard now.

What do you call a cow walking backward ?
Moo walking.

I saw a sign in the shopping centre today "Dogs must be carried on the escalator" It took me over an hour to find one, what a stupid rule!!!

Why did the blind man cross the road ?
Because he was following his seeing eye chicken.

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

Before the crowbar was invented, crows just drank at home.

Store policy: You break it you buy it.

Cat policy: you by it you break it.

Never say a lion is lyin; you could hurt his pride.

You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a regular pigeon.

I once dated a girl who owned a parrot.
The thing would never shut the fuck up.
The parrot was cool though.

Did you know they’re artificially inseminating cows these days...no bull.

what do bees eat for lunch? hum burgers.

“Did you know that a school of piranhas can rip a child apart in 30 seconds. ..... btw I lost my job at the aquarium today “

Once, in a Moscow hotel, I was stung by what I thought at the time, was a dodgy looking wasp.
Although now I suspect it was the cagey bee!

They're called rhinos because "fat unicorns" was deemed insensitive.