Laughing with the Beasts - Animal Jokes that Tame Your Funny Bone!

Why do bees hum? - They don't remember the text!

I took my dog to the flea market with his collar on. Everyone died.

Q: Why do centipedes have 100 legs?
A: So they can walk.

What did sloth say when he was mugged by a mob of snails?
It all happened so fast.

What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an elephant?
Big freaking holes all over Australia!

I saw a horse in a wild west show that glowed in the dark once. Think he was rodeo active.

Why can’t you stop a legless dog?

Because it has no pause.

Two silk worms had a race...

They ended up in a tie.

God when creating ducks..
Waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo!

Would it be possible to cross an eel with an eagle? Absolutely not. That would be eeleagle.

Growing up we had a horse that only stayed awake when it was dark.
It was a night mare.

Nothing says 'I don't take you seriously' like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

I have the heart of a lion, also a lifetime ban from the safari park!

How to catch a squirrel?
Go in a forest and act nuts.

What is as big as a hippopotamus but weighs nothing at all?

A hippopotamus's shadow.

I hate it when I meow at cats and they don't meow back. Unbelievably rude.

A cop knocked on my door and said he was fining me after people complained my dogs were chasing kids on bikes.
I told them that was ridiculous, my dogs don't even own a bike.

Saw a series of insects dancing on a sports field. It was a cricket ball.

A friend of mine said it was a dog-eat-dog world. I said yea, it's ruff out there.

I was raised by horses. Odd, I know, but I had a stable childhood.

Why do sharks swim in salt water?
Cause Pepper makes them sneeze!

A man walking down the street sees another man with a dog and asks, "Why is your dog wearing brown boots?"

The other man replies, "Because his black ones are being mended!"

I married a horse. We have a stable relationship.

My horse is a rubbish dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.

What do you call a dog in a submarine?

A sub woofer.

A family of chickpeas was killed.
It was a hummuside.

What do you say to an elephant in a tree?

Get down!

What did the happy cricket say to the sad cricket ?
Chirrup !

How do snails fight?

They slug it out. ☺️

I've got the memory of an elephant.
I remember going to the zoo and seeing an elephant.

I went to a comedy club the other night and a pig was performing.
Honestly, he was a total boar.

Spotted a mouse in the house. I took a photo, and although he didn’t say cheese, I could tell he was thinking it.

Q What’s the difference between a giraffe and a forklift truck?
A a forklift truck has hydraulics.

Q What’s the difference between a giraffe and a forklift truck?
A a forklift truck has hydraulics.

What's the most stupid animal in a jungle?

A polar bear.

Why did one frog refuse to say 'Hi' to another?
He was a toadal stranger!

What do you call a Bee hive with no exits?

Unbelievable.

Why can't Brachiosauruses do pull-ups?
Because they're extinct.

A man goes to dentist and says “I think I’m a moth”. The dentist says “ So why have you come here then?” And the man says “the light was on “.

What do you get when you cross a centipede and a parrot?

A walkie-talkie.

Praying mantises don’t all have the same religion...they’re in sects.

Praying mantises don’t all have the same religion...they’re in sects.

What sits up a tree and goes "aaaaaah"? An owl with a speech impediment.

Why did the octopus cross the reef? To get to the other tide.

Our stupid dog ate all the christmas tree lights. I took him to the vet and they assured me they could whip them out in an hour...

I gave him a little cuddle to reassure him, and his little face lit up!

Why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?

Swarm.

What swims in the river at 100mph?

A Motor Pike.

A neighbour told me he spotted a lion recently. I told him that if it was spotted, it was more likely a leopard...

What do call a Bear without any ears?

B...

Why did the dolphin join the Navy?

To feel a sense of porpoise

What do you call a penguin in the Sahara?

Lost.

Owls prefer to mate in the summer than in the winter when it rains. It’s too wet to woo.

A young whale asked his father " dad where do i come from" the father whale says " from my sperm son" young whale says "thanks dad" father whale "your whale cum".

My cat has started drinking the local church wine... I thinks he's become a Cataholic...

What do call an animal that knows if you're lying?
Sealion.

A Turkey was standing at the side of the road.
A Chicken went up to him and said
'Don't do it mate you'll never hear the end of it'

Telling bird puns is usually harmless, but when you start mocking birds, things can quickly get unpheasant and hawkward.

Why do bears have fur coats? Because they'd look silly in fluffy jumpers.

Saw the woman down our street talking to her cat the other day... daft bat ..I told my dog what I'd seen...ohh we did laugh..

What do reindeer have that no other animals have? Baby reindeer.