Hilarious Dog Jokes that Will Make You Howl !

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash.
As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, but he notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again.

Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash.

Shocked, the manager runs over and says "Mister is there a problem - is there anything I can help you with?"
The blind man calmly replies "No thanks - I'm just looking around."

A man phones the customer service of a beer company.
Customer service: "Hello, what can I help you with today?"
Man: "There is something wrong with your beer, it made me blow chunks!"
Customer service: "Well ya, it'll do that."
Man: "No I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog!"

Saw the woman down our street talking to her cat the other day... daft bat ..I told my dog what I'd seen...ohh we did laugh..

How do Dog Catchers get paid?
By the pound.

I saw a German bloke jump into a freezing cold pond to rescue a dog who was drowning!
He climbed out, handed over the dog and said “Here is ze dog, dry him off, keep him vorm, he vill be fine”
I said “Are you a vet?”
He replied “Vet?? - I’m f*****g soaking”

A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov’s dogs and Schrodinger’s cat. The librarian says, “It rings a bell, but I don’t know whether it’s there or not”

Where do dogs park their cars?
In the barking lot.

What kind of car does a dog hate?
CorVETS.

I came down stairs this morning and found my dog stuck on the fridge door.
I think he’s eaten the magnets again.

My kids want a dog for Xmas, but I've told them that is barbaric and we will be having a turkey like everyone else.

My dog’s getting slow in his old age. He’s just brought me yesterdays newspaper

During rainy days, I and my lazy dog are competing who sleeps the deepest and the longest.
I am the underdog in this fight.

I threw a ball for my dog...
It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.

Took the dog for a walk yesterday, I remembered to take poo bags...
Although, my wife really hates that nickname.

Where do rappers go to get pets?
Tha Dogg Pound.

I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions !

1. What's your credit card number?
2. What's your social security number?
3. What's the name of your dog?

A millionaire and a guide were out hunting ducks with a dog.
The dog runs into a thicket and back out and barks once. The owner said good there's one duck in there. They go in and sure enough one duck. They get the duck and head to the next thicket.

The dog runs in and back out. This time he barks three times. Good there's three ducks. They go in and bingo! Three ducks. They collect the ducks and leave.

On the way out the millionaire asks the guide if he can buy his dog. And after much pushback and negotiations he had that dog!

Some years later the guide and millionaire cross paths and naturally the guide asks about his dog. The millionaire replied

"I had to put him down"

"What? Why?"

"Well, I took him out with a friend. First he runs into the thicket just like you taught him. Then he comes out barking like mad! I mean like crazy. Then he took off back into the thicket. When he came out this time he jumped on my buddies leg and went to humpin! After we got him to stop it was back to the thicket. The last time he ran out he came with a stick and was hitting us with it sooo I put him down."

"YOU MORON!" replied the guide. "He was trying to tell you that THERE'S MORE FUCKING DUCKS IN THERE THAN YOU CAN SHAKE A STICK AT!

The neighbour’s dog crapped in our garden, so my wife told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.
I don’t see what that solved. We’ve still got dog poo in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.

What do you call a dog with no legs…

My asian neighbors dinner.

That one awkward moment you have to go ask your Chinese neighbor if they’ve seen your dog.

Teacher where's your homework?
Me: I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Computer Science Professor: Your dog ate your coding assignment?

**Awkward silence**

Me: It took him a couple bytes.

First dog: Where do fleas go for summer vacation?
Second dog: Search me!

The psychiatrist asks the patient, "So what seems to be the problem?"
"Well Doc, for a long time now, I've believed that I'm really a dog!"

"And how long have you felt this way?", asks the shrink.

"Ever since I was a puppy."

A man went to see a shrink.
He entered the room and remained standing by the door.
"I'm here because my wife treats me like a dog" the man said.
"Ok" the shrink replied, "Come and sit on this sofa and we can talk some more about this problem".
"No, i can't" said the man... "I'm not allowed on the sofa".

What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
You might step in a poodle!

Gave the dog a bath yesterday!
It's just sitting in his kennel though, I don't think he knows how to plumb it in.

What happens if you play a country song backwards...
Your wife comes back
Your truck gets fixed and
Your dog gets better.

I got a new Puppy yesterday, called it Rolex, gonna be a watch dog.

Don’t spell
“dog food lid”
backwards

As farmers, we hear a lot of jokes about sheep.
We’d tell them to the dog, but he’d herd them all!

I put my dog on a vegan diet...
He’s eaten 3 so far.

I put my dog on a vegan diet...
He’s eaten 3 so far.

What do you call a hot dog with no meat in It?
A hollow weenie!

I find it really embarrassing when guests visit my house and my dog sniffs their crotch. Especially as he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up.

I have a pet tree.
It's like a pet dog but the bark is quieter.

Q: How do you get a hipster to eat a hot dog?
A: Put it in a man bun.

What’s the difference between a dog and a marine biologist?
One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.

A bitch is a dog. A dog barks. Bark is on a tree. A tree is part of nature. Nature is beautiful. So ladies, next time someone calls you a bitch, thank them for the compliment.

He claimed that his dog had retrieved a ball he’d hidden a mile away, but I thought it sounded far fetched.

How do dogs make sandwiches?
With purebred.

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'. The blonde said it was hers. 'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.' The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred'. 'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'

The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'

Q. My child doesn't want to eat meat. With what can I replace it?
A. A dog, dogs love meat.

LOST DOG: 3 legs, blind in left eye, missing right ear, tail broken, recently castrated... Answers to name of " Lucky " .

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don't care where you're going.

Police are investigating a break in at the local pet supply store. The robbers stole all of the dog walking equipment, police say they have no leads!

Went for a walk with my new girlfriend and we saw two dogs mating, she said 'how does the male know when the female is ready for sex'?
I replied he can smell she is ready thats how nature works!
We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the yew, again my girlfreind asked how the ram knew when the yew was ready for sex.
I replied 'its nature he can smell she is ready'!
We then went past a cow field and the bull was mating the cow, my girlfriend said this is odd they are all at it, surely the bull can’t smell when she is ready, I said look its nature all animals can smell when the female is ready for sex.
Anyway, after the walk I dropped her home and kissed her goodbye, she said 'see you soon but I hope your fucking cold gets better'!

I'm going to buy two dogs and call them both Miles, so every day I can say I've walked miles and miles.

Met a dyslexic atheist today. He doesn't believe in dog.

I love cooking children and dogs...but I hate using commas.

I bought my wife a Pug as a present.
Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.

When there is a knock on the door.Why does the dog always think it's for him........😉😉

I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried. Onions was a good dog.

Pavlov walks into a bar. The phone rings, and he says, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog."

Q: Did you see the movie about the hot dog?
A: It was an Oscar Wiener.

If you have to choose between your dog and your wife, lock them in a trunk for 30 minutes. Keep the one that's happiest to see you.

Why do they call it “getting your dog fixed” if afterwards it doesn’t work anymore?

- What do blondes and dog shit have in common?
- The older they get, the easier it is to pick them up.

"People who talk to cats are mentally disturbed"
Anyway that's what my dog said .

I used to be in a band, we were called ‘Lost dog’.
You’ve probably seen our posters...