Hilarious Dog Jokes that Will Make You Howl !

Why didn’t the dog want to wrestle??

He was a boxer.

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 8 pints.

“Come on in,” said one friend to the other.
“Does he bite?” he asked pointing at the dog.
“That’s what I want to find out. I only got him this morning.”

What do you get if you cross a dog with a tiger?
A very nervous postman.

This morning I noticed my neighbour was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor old buggar thought her cat understood her.

When I got home I told my dog. We laughed so much together !!

Today is National stay at home with your dog and drink day!
Its not official.
I made it up,
Tell the others.

People are like dogs: There's always someone who loves you for you and there's someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.

Some folks play fetch with their cat!!
It's all fun and games for the dog, but I feel so bad for the kitty.

I asked my dog what's two minus two.
He said nothing.

I have been teaching my dog to fetch tools from my workshop...
He’s not perfect.
But he knows the drill now.

I have a dog called Minton who has a naughty habit of eating shuttlecocks.

Bad Minton!

What do you say after sex to make it awkward?
Do you have a washcloth? My dog usually cleans me up.

Treat Every Problem as Your Dog Would.

When two dogs fight over a bone, a third one carries it away.
Dutch Proverb.

Why do dogs carry bones in their mouths?
Coz they don't have pockets...

What did the hotdog say to the bun? It was nice to meat you!

Ladies, you can tell a lot about a man by how dogs react to him.
For example, if the police K9 is biting him, he may not be ideal.

Why when someone sees a dog their first instinct is to ask it what its doing?

Just bought a greyhound, my mate said: “What you going to do it with it?” I said: “Race it“. He said: “My money’s on the dog”.

Why aren't dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!

I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love, but I also have a cat to remind me that I don’t deserve it. It’s all about balance.

I'm pretty sure all dogs can smell drugs. It's just that most of them aren't snitches.

I asked the hot dog seller, “Can I get a jumbo sausage?”

He said, “Sure, won’t be long.”

I said, “Shit. In that case, can I have two?”

As an agnostic, dyslexic insomniac, I often lay awake wondering if there really is a Dog.

I can't take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him.....

It's my fault for getting one that's pure Bread.

What did the HTML coding dog say?

Href Href!

I threw a ball for my dog... It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.

Bill to Jim, "what the heck Jim, I just heard your dog meowing, how come? "
"Ah yes, that's ok, he's just learning a second language." 🐕

Can dogs detect broken bones in your body?
No, but cat scan.

A man takes his dog to the vet.
The vet asks "what seems to be the problem?"
"My dog is cross-eyed" the man replies.
The vet grabs the dog by the ears, lifts him up face to face, stares at him for a minute before declaring, "Well I'm gonna have to put him down."
Horrified, the man asks "Why?! Just because he's cross-eyed?"
The vet looks at him confused, "No...because he's heavy"

A friend’s dog swallowed a cushion. The vet has described its condition as comfortable.

I accidentally used the dog shampoo this morning. I'm feeling like a good boy today!

I renewed my car insurance over the phone this morning, and as I was about to hang up the woman on the other end asked if I had a pet.
I said, "Yes, i've got a dog."
She said, "Would you like to insure him too?"
I said, "No thanks, he can't drive!"

Imagine being completely naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and all want touch you. That's a life of a dog.

A dog was sending a telegram
The attendant said “what would you like me to write?”
Dog said “woof woof
Woof wooof woof wofff!
Attendant “you know for the same money you can fit another woof in “
Dog said “don’t you think that will sound a bit ridiculous!

My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory.

He'll never get rich, but he makes doo.

I saw a sign in the shopping centre today "Dogs must be carried on the escalator" It took me over an hour to find one, what a stupid rule!!!

PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS
1. The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

In Iceland it is illegal to walking your Dog naked, that also goes for Tesco and Asda.

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

A man is out walking his dog when the Liverpool score comes in, 3-2 to Man Utd. The dog bares his teeth, growls & goes into a frenzied rage.

A passer by see this & asks, "Jesus what does the dog do if Liverpool win?"

"I don’t know," says the man. "I've only had it since Xmas!"

I took my dog to the flea market with his collar on. Everyone died.

2 female police officer dog handlers on the beat. One says, "I left my knickers at the station". The other says, "Let the dog have a sniff of your fanny & he'll fetch them". The dog returned 20 mins later with her knickers, 2 truncheons and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers!

Why can’t you stop a legless dog?

Because it has no pause.

I have a pet tree.
It's like having a pet dog but its bark is quiet!

Nothing says 'I don't take you seriously' like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

A cop knocked on my door and said he was fining me after people complained my dogs were chasing kids on bikes.
I told them that was ridiculous, my dogs don't even own a bike.

Much like a dog, men will pretty much do anything you want if you feed them first.

A friend of mine said it was a dog-eat-dog world. I said yea, it's ruff out there.

A man walking down the street sees another man with a dog and asks, "Why is your dog wearing brown boots?"

The other man replies, "Because his black ones are being mended!"

How come when a Dog licks it's privates in public, its OK
But when my Father did it he got thrown out of the Army.

The most common sexual position for married couples is doggy style...

Where the husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead!

What do you call a dog in a submarine?

A sub woofer.

Me: I'd like to buy a hotdog with ketchup, please.
Vendor: Sorry...cash only.

Why isn’t a vet called a Dogtor?

Our stupid dog ate all the christmas tree lights. I took him to the vet and they assured me they could whip them out in an hour...

I gave him a little cuddle to reassure him, and his little face lit up!

I want to talk about hot dogs. It's time for a frank conversation.

Last night, my wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl.
I said, “I didn't know he could.”

I've just put all my dogging equipment up for sale on eBay...

Haven't had any bids so far but there are 12 people watching!