The Ultimate Collection of Government Jokes.

The difference between government and thieves is that thieves don't pretend they're helping you.

Mafia: the same thing as the government, without all the pretense.

"Propaganda is the executive arm of the invisible government."
~ Edward Bernays

They convinced you that 'freedom' is giving 30-60% of your hard earned money to the government each year, just to stay out of jail.

"Propaganda is the executive arm of the invisible government."
~ Edward Bernays

Socialists say “publicly owned”. What they mean is “State controlled”.

Socialists say “Government aid”. What they mean is “taxpayers' aid”.

Socialists say “social justice”. What they mean is “selective justice”.

Socialists say “equality”. What they mean is “levelling down”.

Why do they twist the truth like this? Because they dare not spell out the Socialist reality.

M.T.

The government pays Chuck Norris taxes.

In a Libertarian society...

You choose your weaponry.

You choose your medical care.

You choose your education program.

You even choose your preferred form of money.

And there isn't squat the government can do about it.

The people who think government cares about them are the same ones who believe the stripper loves them.

Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat, don't sell drugs. The government hates competition!

If you trust government, you don't know history.

True patriots despise their government because they love their country.

The Federal Reserve is a PRIVATE banking cartel disguised as a government system. Its real purpose is to steal wealth from the people.

If you trust the government you obviously failed history class.

Property tax is paying rent to the government.

"Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking. They want obedient workers."
~ George Carlin

The Constitution does not grant you rights, it simply says the government cannot infringe upon the rights you were born with.

Government is the entertainment division of the military-industrial complex.

Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat, don't sell drugs. The government hates competition!

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul, can always count on the support of Paul. – George Bernard Shaw

“Libertarianism is the philosophy which says that you can run your life better than the government can, and you have the right to be left alone in order to do it.”
– Anonymous

“When poverty declines, the need for government declines, which is why expecting government to solve poverty is like expecting a tobacco company to mount an aggressive anti-smoking campaign.”
- Stefan Molyneux

Historically, disarmament of citizens has almost always led to mass murder or genocide at the hands of corrupt, criminal governments.

"We investigated ourselves and found that we did nothing wrong"
~ The Government

Governments are only legalizing gay marriage so they stop having sex.

Whats the difference between the government and a stripper?
Strippers don't rig their polls.

Will's Rule of Informed Citizenship: If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the Constitution. (It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft.) Instead read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with the word "National".

Wicker's Law: Government expands to absorb revenue, and then some.

Raskin's Zero Law: The more zeros found in the price tag for a government program, the less Congressional scrutiny it will receive.

Peter Principle: In every hierarchy, whether it be government or business, each employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence; every post tends to be filled by an employee incompetent to execute its duties. Corollaries:
Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
If at first you don't succeed, try something else.

Long's Notes:

Always store beer in a dark place.
Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it.
If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion.
It has long been known that one horse can run faster than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial.
A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.
Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
A generation which ignores history has no past -- and no future.
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
History does not record anywhere at any time a religion that has any rational basis. Religion is a crutch for people not strong enough to stand up to the unknown without help. But, like dandruff, most people do have a religion and spend time and money on it and seem to derive considerable pleasure from fiddling with it.
It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
Of all the strange "crimes" that human beings have legislated out of nothing, "blasphemy" is the most amazing -- with "obscenity" and "indecent exposure" fighting it out for second and third place.
It's better to copulate than never.
Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks.
It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
Never appeal to a man's "better nature". He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
Avoid making irrevocable decisions while tired or hungry.
An elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.
A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes. This may be the purpose of the universe.
Stupidity cannot be cured with money, or through education, or by legislation. Stupidity is not a sin; the victim can't help being stupid. But stupidity is the only universal capital crime; the sentence is death, there is no appeal, and execution is carried out automatically and without pity.
God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent. It says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks, please. Cash and in small bills.
Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she is not.
In a family argument, if it turns out you are right, apologize at once.
To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
Does history record any case in which the majority was right?
Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
Expertise in one field does not carry over into other fields. But experts often think so. The narrower their field of knowledge the more likely they are to think so.
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmills.
Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it's none of my business, but . . . " is to place a period after the word "but". Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about.
A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being "frank".
Natural laws have no pity.
You can go wrong by being too skeptical as readily as by being too trusting.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Climate is what we expect; weather is what we get.
Pessimist by policy, optimist by temperament -- it is possible to be both. How? By never taking an unnecessary chance and by minimizing risks you can't avoid. This permits you to play out the game happily, untroubled by the certainty of the outcome.
"I came, I saw, SHE conquered." (The original Latin seems to have been garbled.)
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
Don't try to have the last word. You might get it.

Krueger's Observation: A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take a civil service exam in order to work for the government.

Kamin's Fourth Law: Government inflation is always worse than statistics indicate: central bankers are biased toward inflation when the money unit is non-convertible, and without gold or silver backing.

Kamin's Third Law: Combined total taxation from all levels of government will always increase (until the government is replaced by war or revolution).

Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Governments: No man's life, liberty or property are safe while the legislature is in session.

Frankel's Law: Whatever happens in government could have happened differently, and it usually would have been better if it had.
Corollary: Once things have happened, no matter how accidentally, they will be regarded as manifestations of an unchangeable Higher Reason.

Davidson's Maxim: Democracy is that form of government where everybody gets what the majority deserves.

Connolly's Law of Cost Control: The price of any product produced for a government agency will be not less than the square of the initial Firm Fixed-Price Contract.

Cohen's Laws of Politics:

Law of Alienation: Nothing can so alienate a voter from the political system as backing a winning candidate.
Law of Ambition: At any one time, thousands of borough councilmen, school board members, attorneys, and businessmen -- as well as congressmen, senators, and governors -- are dreaming of the White House, but few, if any of them, will make it.
Law of Attraction: Power attracts people but it cannot hold them.
Law of Competition: The more qualified candidates who are available, the more likely the compromise will be on the candidate whose main qualification is a nonthreatening incompetence.
Law of Inside Dope: There are many inside dopes in politics and government.
Law of Lawmaking: Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
Law of Permanence: Political power is as permanent as today's newspaper. Ten years from now, few will know or care who the most powerful man in any state was today.
Law of Secrecy: The best way to publicize a governmental or political action is to attempt to hide it.
Law of Wealth: Victory goes to the candidate with the most accumulated or contributed wealth who has the financial resources to convince the middle class and poor that he will be on their side.
Law of Wisdom: Wisdom is considered a sign of weakness by the powerful because a wise man can lead without power but only a powerful man can lead without wisdom.

Baxter's First Law: Government intervention in the free market always leads to a lower national standard of living.
Baxter's Second Law: The adoption of fractional gold reserves in a currency system always leads to depreciation, devaluation, demonetization and, ultimately, to complete destruction of that currency.
Baxter's Third Law: In a free market good money always drives bad money out of circulation.

The Italian government has cancelled the town of Ferno’s annual fiesta.
This year there’ll be no disco in ferno.

Do you think the US government mishandled the Pandemic?
I’m not just certain, I’m COVID positive.

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream.
"Why is everything here so bad?" asks Putin, "What can I do to make Russia great again?"

Stalin replies, "Execute half the government and paint the Kremlin blue."

"Why blue?" asks the inquisitive Putin.

"I knew you wouldn't object to the first part" says Stalin.

Heard the government was putting Chips on people...
Hope mine is sour cream and onion.

My coworker is convinced that the government has implanted a microchip in his brain, and is controlling his thoughts.
I told him it's all in his head.

The government offered to buy my guns from me.
But after a thorough background check of the buyer, I am not comfortable with selling weapons to organized crime.

Why is prostitution illegal?
Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them.

What's the difference between the government and a banjo?
You can fix a banjo.

What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.

The government of Canada is forming a council to determine the merits of decriminalization of all drugs.
It will be a High Council.

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and controlled news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.
That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, America.

Why can't engines remain government leaders?
Once the first revolution begins there's always thousands more.

I would make a joke about the government right now.
But it probably wouldn’t accomplish anything.

Why doesn't the Government let chickens build their own houses?
Because they'll make a coup.