Halloween Jokes for a Spooktacular Time.

If you’re trying to scare me for Halloween, I’m really afraid of money.

The hardest thing about carving a pumpkin these days is finding a newspaper to spread out on the table.

Every time I avoid eating Halloween candy I reward myself by eating Halloween candy.

Dressing as cocaine this Halloween so someone will do me in the bathroom.

Why don’t Jehovas Witnesses celebrate Halloween?

They don’t like random strangers knocking on their door.

Dressing as cocaine this Halloween so someone will do me in the bathroom

What do incest families do on Halloween? Pumpkin.

Gonna try not to celebrate the Devil’s Holiday this year.

Of course I mean Thanksgiving with my in-laws.

Jehovah's Witnesses' don't get involved in Hallowe'en.
I guess they don't want uninvited people knocking on their doors.

Someone just knocked on my door and said I had to give them a small branch, or they would twist my nipple. Bloody twig or tweakers.

For Halloween I'm going as a burnt steak.
So someone will finally say "Well Done" to me .

Why was the skeleton sad? He had no body to trick-or-treat with.

What is Dracula’s second favorite holiday after Halloween?
Fangs-giving!

I love Halloween. All the local kids running around, knocking on my door and screaming ‘Let me out!’

I opened the door to a kid doing ‘trick or treat’ in a Gloria Gaynor mask!

At first I was afraid...

Q: What did the frog dress up for on Halloween?
A: A prince.

What do you call an athletic pumpkin?

A jock o’ lantern.

I'm thinking about dressing up as a Banker for Halloween this year..

I think it will gain a lot of interest.

Heard that burglars used a pumpkin to smash a window and gain entry to a local house, but the evidence may have been planted.

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween.
Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are better for the environment.

What do rednecks do for Halloween?
Pump kin.

Why is Halloween a pedophiles favorite DAY?
Free delivery.

Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.

I stabbed a vampire, beat some zombies to death and killed the devil himself...

My wife rushed into the room and shouted, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES."

2 men were walking home after a Halloween party & decided to take a shortcut through the cemetary just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetary they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping sound coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear they found an old man with a chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. Holy cow Mister, one of them said after catching his breath. You scared us half to death. We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing, working so late? Those fools, the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

What do you call a hot dog with no meat in It?
A hollow weenie!

word of warning! never tell someone how good you think their Halloween mask is, until you are sure they are wearing one!

For Halloween we dressed up as almonds. Everyone could tell we were nuts.

Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween.
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their door.

I had a big row with my wife last Halloween. I yelled at her, “When you finally die, I’m getting you a headstone that says, ‘Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever’.”

“Yeah well,” she shouted back, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that says, ‘Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.'”

The best part about Halloween is that the cobwebs in my house look like decorations.

My wife said to me yesterday, “Honey, I think we should do something really scary for the kids this Halloween.”
I said, “Well, we could always take them to your mother’s.”

Last Halloween there was a knock on the door. I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, “Honey there’s a witch at the door. What shall I do?”

She shouted back, “Just give her some candy and tell her to get lost.”
My mother-in-law hasn’t spoken to me since.

Halloween is easily the scariest night of the year, what with the dead rising from their graves…
and fat girls thinking they look sexy dressed as cats.

A young boy knocked on my door on Halloween night and said, “Trick or treat?”

I looked at him and asked, “What have you come as?”

He said, “A werewolf.”

I said, “But you’re not wearing a costume. You’ve just got your normal clothes on.”

He said, “Yeah well, it’s not a full moon yet, is it?”

Q: Why are pumpkins better than men?
A: Every year you get a fresh crop to choose from.

I’m not saying my son is ugly…But on Halloween he went to tell the neighbors to turn down their TV and they gave him some candy.

Q: Why do we carve pumpkins at Halloween?
A: Because they have less blood and aren’t as messy as animals.

Q: What happened to the cannibal who showed up late to Halloween dinner?
A: They gave him the cold shoulder.

Q: What health insurance do Halloween creatures use?
A: Medi-scare.