Hilarious Christmas Jokes: Spreading Festive Cheer with Laughter

Q: what goes oh oh oh?
A: Santa walking backwards.

Why did Santa put his CDs in the snow? He wanted some cool music...

Happy New Year!

(I know it's early, but I suffer from premature congratulation)

I don’t want to end this year on bad terms with anyone.

Apologize to me now.

Just a quick reminder, anyone that's recived a book from me for Christmas, they're due back at the library by the 21st.

I gave my nephew 3 socks for Christmas. Her mom told me that he's grown another foot just this year.

I asked Santa for a new butt for Christmas because mine has a crack in it.

I told my fiancee I’d forgotten to buy her a Xmas present. She said OK as it’s Boxing Day you can have your ring back.

I got a broken drum for Christmas...No one can beat that 😃

I said to my girlfriend on Christmas morning.. Babe, I'd like to make you mine...
I'd love that she replied with tears in her eyes..
I said great, I've bought you a pick, now go and find me some gold.

What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he saw a thunderstorm?

Looks like reindeer.

If a gingerbread man sprains his ankle, does he walk with a candy cane?

Short Christmas Jokes

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It's Christmas, Eve !

How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve !

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ?
The letter "D" !

What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !

What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ?
Black mail !

Who delievers cat's Christmas presents ?
Santa Paws !

Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ?
Because it soots him !

Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents?
Elephanta Claus !

How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ?
Stacks !

Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve ?
Because he's Sooty !

What did the convict get for Christmas?

A cell phone.

How many letters are in the Christmas alphabet?

Just 25, cause there’s Noel.

Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They always drop their needles...

I got an Egyptian mummy for Xmas. Took bloody ages to unwrap it!

I wanted a puppy for Christmas.

The kids insist we have a turkey as usual.

The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.

What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk? Jingle Smells...

Santa is almost here ... I’m sensing his presents.

What do you call a cat in the desert? Sandy Claws...

Happy Christmas Adam Everyone!

You know the day that came before
Christmas Eve!

I just opened a Christmas card filled with rice...it was from uncle Ben!

My best friend bought me a lovely watch for Christmas last year.
...It's never worked though .. I should have told her..
.... it's just never been the right time..

What do young reindeer want for Christmas? A pony sleigh station.

What do you get if you cross a Christmas tree with an ipad? A Pineapple.

BREAKING :A thief has been stealing Christmas jumpers in order of size...
Police spokesperson said he’s still at large...

What is the difference between St George and Santa’s reindeer? One slays a dragon, the others are dragging a sleigh.

If anyone is alone this Christmas and has no one to spend the Holiday with,
let me know.
I need to borrow some Chairs

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending them a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family including an extra child that nobody has ever seen before.

I didn't realize how lopsided and uneven our Christmas tree was until we got home. I'm so mad that we might have to bring it back.
I just can't stand it.

Don't worry about the rumours that Santa has had to elf-isolate. Because of all the reindeer, he has herd immunity.

What do Santa’s elves listen to when they are working? .......Wrap music

“Is it ok if I finish off a few days early this Christmas?”
I asked my boss.

“No it isn’t” he shouted. “Put your Santa beard back on and get inside the grotto, there’s a line of kids waiting to see you.”

Santa told me that I've been very good this year.
I told him it was due to lack of opportunity.

This year I plan on being a Christmas pudding.
Small, round, drenched in alcohol and disliked by most people.

Took my young son to see Santa yesterday and he stank of booze and fags.

God knows what Santa thought...

I decorated the Christmas tree with my kids today. I had to cut them back down when they started crying though.

I offered Mariah Carey anything she wanted from the auction catalogue as a seasonal gift.
She said “I don’t want a lot for Christmas...”

I’ve bought my wife a bucket with a rope attached for Christmas.

That will go down well...

On Christmas Eve last year I told the wife I was popping to the shops. She said, "While you’re there can you get some fairy liquid, detergent and some dishwasher tablets."

I said, "Can't you wait till tomorrow when you open your presents?"

At this time of year I love sitting in front of a roaring fire, sipping mulled wine and listening to Christmas songs until I fall asleep...
Which is probably the reason I lost my job as a fireman!

If there's anyone out there home alone on Christmas day please let me know.
I need to borrow some chairs.

Hoping my mate's girlfriend gets back from the Ukraine before the 25th December...

No one wants a chick in Kiev for Christmas.

My kids want a dog for Xmas, but I've told them that is barbaric and we will be having a turkey like everyone else.

I went to a terrible ‘Shoe Repairers Christmas Reunion Party’ last night...
Load of old cobblers...

I went to the garden centre earlier and bought a Christmas tree.

The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?"

I replied, "No, you sick fucker. I'll be putting it up in my living room!"

Me: I would like a unicorn for Christmas.
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: OK. I want to lose 15lbs, be slim, beautiful and travel.
Santa: What colour unicorn do you want?

I bought a Christmas tree that was far too big to get in the car, so I had to cut the top off.
Didn't really mind, I've always wanted a convertible.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? he sold his soul to Santa.. 😂

Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science.

Sneaking into your neighbor's yard to cut it down is an art.

Mother: "Sweetie, make a Christmas wish."
Girl: "I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in papa's computer."

What do you give a taxidermist on Christmas day?

Stuffed turkey!

My friend just won the Tallest Christmas Tree competition.
I thought to myself, “How can you top that?”

What could you call an elf who has just won the lottery?
Welfy.

The only Christmas present that I got this year was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I find that very hard to deal with.

- Why did Mrs. Claus insist Santa take an umbrella?
- “Because of the rain, dear.”

- Who is Santa’s favourite actor?
- Willem Dafoe-ho-ho.

- Where does Santa Claus go swimming?
- The North Pool.