Hilarious Dog Jokes that Will Make You Howl !

If it look like a duck walks like a duck and sounds like a duck but chuck norris says it's a dog then it's a fricking dog!!!!

Accidentally used the dog's shampoo today, and I'm feeling like such a good boy.

Chuck Norris knows everything. He even knows, WHO LET THE DOGS OUT.

A man, down on his luck, comes across a lamp while walking on the beach...
He gives the lamp a hard rub and out comes a genie.

Genie says "Master, I will fulfill any three wishes you have with one condition. Whatever you wish for, the man you hate the most will get double."

"What the hell? Have you any idea what John did to me? He stole my job, slept with my wife, and ran over my dog!!!" Complained the man.

Genie replies "Sorry, I don't make the rules. Do you want the wishes or not?"

"Fine." Said the man, "My first wish is to have ten billion dollars in my bank account."

"Done" The man immediately receives a call from his bank informing him of his new wealth. Somewhere in the world, John is overjoyed to see twenty billion dollars in his bank account.

"My second wish is to have a 12 inch penis."

"Done" The man looks down and sees his member has now almost doubled in size. Somewhere in the world, John is a little bothered by the fact that his penis now goes down below his knees.

"What is your last wish?" The genie asks.

The man replies "Remove one of my kidneys and show it to me."

Today I see a blind gentleman and his seeing eye dog waiting at traffic light to cross the road
When the light turns green, the dog doesn't bring its human to cross the road, but starts peeing at the leg of the gentleman. Instead of punishing the dog, the gentleman takes out a treat to feed the dog.

I approach them and say: Excuse me sir. You are the most patient and kind owner I have ever see. If I were you I would have kick the dog's butt instead of rewarding it.

The blind gentleman says: Yes, so would I normally. But I first have to figure out which end is the butt.

Every time the doorbell rings, my dog goes and sits in the corner ~ he’s a boxer.

Why is it that when you work very hard, you say you are working like a dog?
Every dog I've ever known is lazy and sleeps 16 hours a day.

Someone figured out my password.
Now I have to rename my dog.

I wonder if people without dogs actually pick food off the floor?

If you're going down the river in a canoe and you get 4 flat tires, how many pancakes does it take to shingle your dog's roof?

By the way - why do dogs lick their own balls?
Because they can.

I made sushi at home for the first time. I substituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs, but I trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

Why did the dog want to go to yoga classes?
He was really ma-stiff.

My dog works for the fire department. (He helps locate fire hydrants.

Her: are you a dog person?
Me: Werewolves aren't real, Karen.

Married women shouldn't keep their husbands in the doghouse too often or they might give their bones to the woman next door !

My neighbor was fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.

Wow, aren’t some animals amazing? Just passed a hospital, and a sign outside read ‘Guard dogs operate at this hospital’.

My dog has a lot of potential. You just have to unleash it.

I got a dog named Sandwich.
Know why?
Cause he's half bred.

Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck on his cock!

Not so famous final words...
1. It's fireproof.
2. He's probably just hibernating.
3. What does this button do?
4. Are you sure the power is off?
5. The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
6. Pull the pin and count to what?
7. Which wire was I supposed to cut?
8. I wonder where the mother bear is.
9. I've seen this done on TV.
10. These are the good kind of mushrooms.
11. What duck?
12. Let it down slowly.
13. I can do that with my eyes closed.
14. I can make this light before it changes.
15. Nice doggie.

There are different opinions on how to react to a hostile dog.
I’m on the fence on this one.

Where do dogs go after their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.

A German tourist jumped in the freezing water and saved my precious dog.
Upon getting back up onto the bridge, he checked my puppy out and said,
“Ze dog is ok. He vill be fine.”
Due to his selfless heroic act, I asked,
"Are you a vet?"
He replied,
"VET? I'M F’ING SOAKED!"

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

Quarantine has turned us into dogs.
We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

Police dogs have not been walked yet.
Detectives are searching for leads.

What’s the difference between a happy dog and a marine biologist?
One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.

I went to the library today to find a new book about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat, that went on a road trip together. The librarian said "It rings a bell, but I'm not sure if it is there or not?"

"We just ate, why are you making pancakes?"
"They're for the dogs"
"Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?!"
"They don't know how to"

Dog and a fox had a baby
It begs the question....
Who fox a dog?

How do blind skydivers know they are close to the ground ?
Their dogs lead goes slack.

A friend of mine’s dog died. So, I got her another one. She wasn’t impressed. In fact she said, “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?” Sometimes, you try and you try, but it’s just not appreciated.

hitman: who am I killing?

dog: ever hear a guy named pavlov?

hitman: rings a bell

dog: that's right

I was telling my mate that my new dog only responds to commands in a foreign language.
” He said, “Español?” I replied, “No, he’s a poodle.”

I asked my dog how was his vet appointment.
He said "ruff".

I’ve got a dog called Curiosity...
I no longer have a cat.

I’m reading a great book about an immortal dog – I’m finding it impossible to put down.

What kind of bone will a dog never chew?
A tromBONE!

This summer I want to learn how to fish. Then I want to learn how to duck, then how to dog, and if there’s time, how to rabbit.

The best place in Wales to toilet your dog?
Avvapooie.

My new Girlfriend likes it Doggy Style. !!
Its great, because she fetches my newspaper and slippers afterwards.!!

I asked my doctor why I keep seeing talking crickets, talking dogs, talking birds, etc. He told me I'm just having Disney spells.

If dogs actually understood people, they wouldn’t like us at all.

My parents went doggy style when they made me, por eso sali bien perra. )

What is a magician’s favourite dog breed? Labracadabrador.

"Dog food lid" spelled backwards is "Dildo of God".
That is all.

What do you get when you cross a dog and a daisy????
A cauliflower.

A dog asks a cat "How come I've never seen you cats making love in public?"
The cat replies, "Do you want humans to steal our style like they did yours?"

The other day, I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog. Now, he's not there anymore...

--Steven Wright

A race horse and a cart horse are stabled next to each other. The cart horse says to the race horse, " You have a really easy life! Every morning they put a harness onto me and make me pull a really heavy load! If I don`t go fast enough I get hit with a whip!"
"Hah", says the race horse, " I get to have a human put on my back and made to run and run and run. If I don`t go quick enough I get whacked with a whip!"
Just then a sheepdog walks into the stable. "Listen to you two moaning about life!"
"Flipping heck!" says the race horse, "A talking dog!"

Did you hear about the sad dog made of cantaloupe? He was a melon collie.

Customer: I'd like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please.
Vendor: Sorry, cash only.

Two Jewish women were sitting under hair dryers at the hairdresser. The first lady says, "So nu, how's your family?"

The second one responds, "Oh just fine. My daughter is married to the most wonderful man. She never has to cook; he always takes her out. She never has to clean; he got her a housekeeper. She never has to work; he's got such a good job. She never has to worry about the children, he got her a nanny."

She continues with a question to the first lady, "So how is your son these days?"

The first woman says, "Just awful. He is married to such a witch of a woman. She makes him take her out to dinner every night, she never cooks a dish. She made him get her a housekeeper, G-d forbid she should vacuum a carpet! He has to work like a dog because she won't get a job and she never takes care of their children, because she made him get her a nanny!"

"My dog's learning to speak a foreign language."
"Español?"
"No, he's a labrador."

An American dog, a Polish dog and a Soviet dog sit together. The American dog says “In my country if you bark long enough, you will be heard and given some meat”. The Polish dog replies “What is ‘meat’?” The Soviet dog says “What is ‘bark’?”

A young lady went to the doctor for a physical.
Afterwards, the doctor said, "You're in perfect health, except for those abrasions on your knees."
The woman replied, "Oh, those are carpet burns from having sex doggie-style."
The doctor asked, "Don't you know any other positions?"
She answered, "Yeah, but my dog doesn't!"

My dog polly has tics. I apologize in advance for discussing Polly tics on this site.