100+ Brilliant Political and Politicians Jokes Collection !

Never accept tea offered by the Russian President.
You don't know what Vladimir Putin.

Have you heard the conspiracy about Russian allotments? It's all just a communist plot.

Congress does some strange things. They put a high tax on liquor and then raises the other taxes that drive people to drink. 🍾

"We investigated ourselves and found that we did nothing wrong"
~ The Government

Politicians should be limited to two terms: 1 in office and 1 in prison.

i only type in lower case letters because i hate capitalism

MAGA girls are prettier bc we don't have dicks.

What's the difference between a yoghurt and Australia?
If you leave a yogurt eventually it develops culture.

The Royal Mail Post Office is being renamed Charles III Post Office, or C3PO for short...

"We investigated ourselves and found that we did nothing wrong"
~ The Government

Voting is the adult version of writing a letter to Santa Claus.

BREAKING: Elon Musk offers to purchase the FBI for $100 billion.
No word yet if the Clinton's are willing to sell.

What does a European person say when they see something nasty?
EU.

What do you call a blind Facist?

A Not-see.

One reason Mr. Gore can dance to only one tune is because he moves to his own, algorhythm.

An American:
— We have Barack Obama, Stevie Wonder, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.
A Russian:
— We have Vladimir Putin, no wonder, no hope and no cash.

Alexa, tell me a joke about the president...

Alexa: people say I should run for president, but I think Im better suited, for speaker of the house!

“One ídiot is one idíot.
Two ídiots are two ídiots.
Ten thousand ídiots are a political party.”
— Franz Kafka

Big difference between politics and baseball.
In baseball you're out when caught stealing!

How does a LGBT Communist get to work?
On their Bi Sickle!

What insurance should all politicians have?
Lie Ability.

I have a joke about capitalism. But I won't share it with you.

Whats the difference between the government and a stripper?
Strippers don't rig their polls.

Prince Harry and William must feel so awkward in a strip club
Imagine having to put pictures of your gran into a stripper's bra.

It’s important to look closely at lawn signs during election campaigns…
Last time I voted for a real estate agent.

Q: What’s the difference between Election Day and Thanksgiving Day?
A: On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for one day. On Election Day, you get a turkey for four years.

Some people believe Monica Lewinsky was a Russian Spy. She would inform the Kremlin on what came out of the President’s head.
They were however unhappy when she blew the whole operation.

Putin dies and goes to hell, but after a while, he is given a day off for good behavior.
So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:
-Is Crimea ours?
-Yes, it is.
-And the Donbas?
-Also ours.
-And Kyiv?
-We got that too.
Satisfied, Putin drinks, and asks:
-Thanks, how much do I owe you?
-5 euros.

Have you heard the one about the communist cat?

..... he wouldn't shut up about Mao.

You know what's the difference between a housewife and a politician?
The housewife thinks about doing her taxes while having sex.
The politician thinks about having sex while spending your taxes.

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream.
"Why is everything here so bad?" asks Putin, "What can I do to make Russia great again?"

Stalin replies, "Execute half the government and paint the Kremlin blue."

"Why blue?" asks the inquisitive Putin.

"I knew you wouldn't object to the first part" says Stalin.

The government offered to buy my guns from me.
But after a thorough background check of the buyer, I am not comfortable with selling weapons to organized crime.

What's the difference between the government and a banjo?
You can fix a banjo.

Why doesn't the Government let chickens build their own houses?
Because they'll make a coup.

Why are people acting like Kamala Harris is the first woman to obtain such a high ranking position in the US Government?
Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?

What did the Afghanistan government say after the American military left?
Biden.

My father once asked me if I knew the difference between heaven and hell…
“In heaven” he said, “the Italians make the food and the British run the government”

He then paused and said, “In hell, the British make the food and the Italians run the government”

In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.
Which means most countries will still have functioning governments.

What can the coronavirus do that the us government can't?
Stop school shootings.

Why do politicians, bankers and mafia bosses like to play golf?
Because you can play that in handcuffs too.

What's the difference between the Mafia and the Government.
One of them is organised.

If I had a dollar for everything wrong with capitalism
... then I probably wouldn't be complaining about capitalism.

Capitalism, Communism, and Socialism have a meeting for afternoon tea.
Communism collapses on the way there and dies from malnutrition. Socialism is so late from collecting welfare to buy the tea that he decides to go home. However, Capitalism - seeing that neither of the two showed up - buys his own tea, finishes his lunch break, and goes back to work.

What's the difference between Communism and Capitalism?
In Communism the government owns and runs and collects everything.
In Capitalism you own and run things and the government collects it for you.

Capitalism is dancing at the edge of the abyss.
Socialism, of course, is one step ahead of them.

I hate capitalism, so i always type my messages in lowercase. i also hate racism, and refuse to run 100 metres.

If I had a dollar for everything wrong with capitalism
... then I probably wouldn’t be complaining about capitalism.

What do you get if you cross Islam with Capitalism?
No more jokes about the profit.

How do you know if someone is a socialist?
Don't worry, they'll tell you.

What do you call a socialist who's into fashion?
Commie Hilfiger.

What do you call a funny person who is a socialist?
A commie-dian.

Why did the socialist drop out of school?
He was really struggling with the classes.
Getting really low Marx.

What is the difference between Capitalism and Socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man and in a socialist one, it's the other way around.

Why are socialist school teachers so disorganized?
Because they love to see the class struggle.

I scored extremely well on my socialist exam last week.
I got top Marx.

What did the socialist say to the fisherman?
Sea's the means of production.

What did socialists use before candles?
... Electricity

How many Socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
None comrade, the bulb holds the seeds to its own revolution!

Two nudist socialists are sitting on a porch.
The first one asks, "Have you read Marx?"
The second one replies, "Yes, I think it's these wicker chairs."

A conservative gets into a car accident with a bus full of socialists.
"Are you guys alright?" asks the conservative.
"No, we're mostly left."

Where does a socialist bird lay its eggs?
In a communest.

How many Socialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, but when it inevitably fails, they will be sure to inform us it wasn't a real light bulb.

Why did the socialist drop out of high school math?
Because there were too many damn inequalities.

So I asked my cat who his favorite socialist was.
He just looked at me and said Mao.

I didn't realize how cold it was outside today...
... until I saw socialists with their hands in their own pockets.

"I'm a socialist drinker!" The bartender chuckled and asked me, "
Don't you mean social drinker?"
"No, I only drink when someone else is paying."

Child: When I grow up I want to be a socialist.
Parent: You can’t do both.

Volodymyr Zelenskyy is a backwards politician.

Most act like heroes to get elected and become comedians while in office.

Why is Putin in such a hurry to get into Ukraine?

Because he's always Russian.

“Do not underestimate Joe’s ability to fuck things up”

- Barack Obama

q: why did the U.S. Bobsled team name there sled Biden?

a: because nothing has taken America downhill faster!

Prince Charles wanted to name his first son Upton.

Apparently he thought it would be cool to sign their Christmas cards "Up, Chuck, and Di"

"NEWS FLASH"....Cell phones no longer work in Afghanistan because of the telliban.....

FUN Fact:
In 1984, New Zealand's Prime Minister Robert Muldoon got drunk and spontaneously called for a general election - he lost.