Hilarious quotes and jokes about HURT and SUFFERING that will make your day !

You know what I hate about voicemail messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, “We aren’t in, leave a message.” That’s why I’ve decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me.

"All suffering originates from craving, from attachment, from desire."
• Edgar Allan Poe

I haven't been right since my wife hit me on the head with a tambourine.
I think I'm suffering from percussion.

If you punch yourself and it hurts, does that mean you're weak or strong?

If you hurt other people because they have expectations of you, that’s their problem.

"Head, shoulders, knees and toes," went from being a fun little kids' song to a list of things that hurt.

My therapist told me to write letters to everyone who's hurt me then burn them.

I've done that. Now what do I do with the letters?

LIFE HACKS/2023 Edition
1. If Bill Gates is involved, avoid it.
2. If Biden says it's true, it's false.
3. If the CDC, FDA say it's safe, it's dangerous.
4. If congress makes a law to help you, it will eventually hurt you.
5. If the media agrees, it's a lie.

Once, in the fifteenth Century B.C., there lived a pharaoh.

And that pharaoh once got a sexually transmitted disease.

All the best medics in Egypt tried to cure him, but all have failed. One day, an old man told him that in one oasis to the west, there was an old sect of priests who knew many secrets of medicine.

Quickly, the pharaoh ordered his men to go there and bring him sages from that sect. For weeks he waited, until finally, the priests stood before him.

The priests examined him and said that there was only one thing that could cure him. He must have sexual relations with a 72-year-old virgin.

The pharaoh was desperate enough to try. For weeks he suffered as his men scoured Egypt for a 72-year-old virgin.

Finally, they found one. And they brought her to the pharaoh. And he slept with her.

And, just like that, his disease was gone.

All of them: the woman, the priests, the old man, were generously rewarded with gold.

2100 years the story was distorted and became 72 virgins in paradise.

Those suffering from paranoia — you’re not alone.

My doctor told me I was suffering from paranoia. She didn't actually say that, but I know it was what she was thinking.

If any guy tries to hurt you, tell him I have a gun, a shovel, and an alibi.

Doctors say 3 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. Do the other 2 enjoy it?

I don't mean to brag
But I'm so old I can hurt myself
Sleeping.

The opposite of BDSM is BDHM

Baby, don't hurt me

What's the difference between a yoghurt and Australia?
If you leave a yogurt eventually it develops culture.

Lies kill, truth hurts.
- A.Bratus

Refuse to comply with anything that hurts you or others, grow a backbone.
Empathy over orders!

What happened to the overworked pastry chef?
He suffered a mental bake-down.

FUN Fact: Vodka drinkers are less likely to suffer from a stroke.

Q:Why do gas prices hurt so bad?

A:Because it’s PROPANE.

"Babe is it in?" "Yea." "Does it hurt?" "Uh huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts." "Okay, let's try another shoe size."

Somebody hit me with a copy of A Tale of Two Cities.
It hurt like the Dickens!

“Fire tests gold, suffering tests brave men.”
— Seneca

A woman spent 35 years working for a bank. She was recently made
redundant and hasn't coped very well. She now spends her days
outside the branch using the ATM over and over again.
She's suffering from withdrawal symptoms.

A psychiatrist once told me I suffer from delusions of grandeur...
I figured he must say that about everyone who is awesome and kicks ass.

Suhor's Law: A little ambiguity never hurt anyone.

Long's Notes:

Always store beer in a dark place.
Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it.
If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion.
It has long been known that one horse can run faster than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial.
A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.
Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
A generation which ignores history has no past -- and no future.
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
History does not record anywhere at any time a religion that has any rational basis. Religion is a crutch for people not strong enough to stand up to the unknown without help. But, like dandruff, most people do have a religion and spend time and money on it and seem to derive considerable pleasure from fiddling with it.
It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
Of all the strange "crimes" that human beings have legislated out of nothing, "blasphemy" is the most amazing -- with "obscenity" and "indecent exposure" fighting it out for second and third place.
It's better to copulate than never.
Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks.
It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
Never appeal to a man's "better nature". He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
Avoid making irrevocable decisions while tired or hungry.
An elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.
A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes. This may be the purpose of the universe.
Stupidity cannot be cured with money, or through education, or by legislation. Stupidity is not a sin; the victim can't help being stupid. But stupidity is the only universal capital crime; the sentence is death, there is no appeal, and execution is carried out automatically and without pity.
God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent. It says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks, please. Cash and in small bills.
Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she is not.
In a family argument, if it turns out you are right, apologize at once.
To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
Does history record any case in which the majority was right?
Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
Expertise in one field does not carry over into other fields. But experts often think so. The narrower their field of knowledge the more likely they are to think so.
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmills.
Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it's none of my business, but . . . " is to place a period after the word "but". Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about.
A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being "frank".
Natural laws have no pity.
You can go wrong by being too skeptical as readily as by being too trusting.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Climate is what we expect; weather is what we get.
Pessimist by policy, optimist by temperament -- it is possible to be both. How? By never taking an unnecessary chance and by minimizing risks you can't avoid. This permits you to play out the game happily, untroubled by the certainty of the outcome.
"I came, I saw, SHE conquered." (The original Latin seems to have been garbled.)
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
Don't try to have the last word. You might get it.

Hare's Additional Lie: This will hurt me more than it hurts you.

Don't let anyone hurt you twice.

Why is a small cruise ship like a guy suffering from premature ejaculation?
Both of them only need a couple of tugs.

So I was listening to the radio the other day and an ad came on: “Do you suffer from premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction?”
And I thought to myself, “No but my girlfriend probably does.”

A guy walks into a bar on New Year's Eve and orders a glass of champagne. "Happy New Years!" he shouts. "Calm down," the bartender reprimands him. "It's still hours away." "Sorry," the guy apologizes. "My doctor told me I sometimes suffer from premature congratulations."

I previously suffered from premature ejaculation my GF got me some cream that reduces sensitivity
It 100% totally work's now i don't give a fuck about that bitch.

A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature ejaculation. The doctors said it was touch and go.

I just told my new girlfriend that I suffer from premature ejaculation...Fair play to her though she took it on the chin.

To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone, theres always someone behind you!

Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was a really hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.

You can't hurt me.. You're not my wife ...

My wife said she wanted me to hurt her during sex, so I told her that her meatloaf was too salty.

If you have an uncontrollable urge to buy land in Antarctica you are probably suffering from buy polar DISORDER.

Shouldn't kids suffering from ADHD be sent to Concentration Camps?

Welcome to your 50’s!
You can now hurt yourself yawning.

“The root of suffering is attachment.”

- Buddha

They can’t hurt you, when you no longer care.

"We suffer more often in imagination than in reality."

- Seneca

Kill them with kindness.

Bitterness will hurt you more than it will them.

I had to change dentists because the last one hurt my fillings.

"They can’t hurt you unless you let them."

- John C. Maxwell

Why did Santa's shortest helper go to a therapist? He suffered from low elf esteem.

❝ The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for. ❞
– Bob Marley

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

"A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears."
- Montaigne

"Only through suffering can we find ourselves."
- Fyodor Dostoevsky