Hilarious quotes and jokes about LIFE that will make your day !

Life advice: Make better decisions.

There are countless more important things in life than money — if you have enough money.

Long's Notes:

Always store beer in a dark place.
Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it.
If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion.
It has long been known that one horse can run faster than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial.
A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.
Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
A generation which ignores history has no past -- and no future.
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
History does not record anywhere at any time a religion that has any rational basis. Religion is a crutch for people not strong enough to stand up to the unknown without help. But, like dandruff, most people do have a religion and spend time and money on it and seem to derive considerable pleasure from fiddling with it.
It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
Of all the strange "crimes" that human beings have legislated out of nothing, "blasphemy" is the most amazing -- with "obscenity" and "indecent exposure" fighting it out for second and third place.
It's better to copulate than never.
Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks.
It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
Never appeal to a man's "better nature". He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
Avoid making irrevocable decisions while tired or hungry.
An elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.
A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes. This may be the purpose of the universe.
Stupidity cannot be cured with money, or through education, or by legislation. Stupidity is not a sin; the victim can't help being stupid. But stupidity is the only universal capital crime; the sentence is death, there is no appeal, and execution is carried out automatically and without pity.
God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent. It says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks, please. Cash and in small bills.
Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she is not.
In a family argument, if it turns out you are right, apologize at once.
To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
Does history record any case in which the majority was right?
Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
Expertise in one field does not carry over into other fields. But experts often think so. The narrower their field of knowledge the more likely they are to think so.
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmills.
Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it's none of my business, but . . . " is to place a period after the word "but". Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about.
A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being "frank".
Natural laws have no pity.
You can go wrong by being too skeptical as readily as by being too trusting.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Climate is what we expect; weather is what we get.
Pessimist by policy, optimist by temperament -- it is possible to be both. How? By never taking an unnecessary chance and by minimizing risks you can't avoid. This permits you to play out the game happily, untroubled by the certainty of the outcome.
"I came, I saw, SHE conquered." (The original Latin seems to have been garbled.)
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
Don't try to have the last word. You might get it.

LIFE HACKS/2023 Edition
1. If Bill Gates is involved, avoid it.
2. If Biden says it's true, it's false.
3. If the CDC, FDA say it's safe, it's dangerous.
4. If congress makes a law to help you, it will eventually hurt you.
5. If the media agrees, it's a lie.

My sex life is like a bank account - no deposits, just withdrawals.

My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.

Life is a single player game.

Life tip:The best time to search for a job is when you already have one.

Life tip: It's not a discount if you otherwise wouldn't have bought it.

The meaning of life is to keep yourself busy with unnecessary shit until you are dead forever.

Life is ultimately just a 'try-not-to-die' challenge set on impossible difficulty.

Your whole life is spent gathering people for your funeral.

My sex-life is like Coca Cola....

...first it was normal, then it was light and now it's zero!

The biggest scam in life is paying taxes on the money we make, paying taxes on money we spend, and taxes on things we own, that we already paid taxes on, with already taxed money.

Life Coach: “After a hot bath, drink a glass of chardonnay.”

Client: “But I’ll never finish drinking the bath …”

Life is like a movie so make sure you pick up good songs for the soundtrack.

LIFE HACKS/2023 Edition
1. If Bill Gates is involved, avoid it.
2. If Biden says it's true, it's false.
3. If the CDC, FDA say it's safe, it's dangerous.
4. If congress makes a law to help you, it will eventually hurt you.
5. If the media agrees, it's a lie.

In my life I like to prioritise procrastination.

72 virgins in Islam.
“Promising pussy in the afterlife is the lowest thing I ever heard in my life”.

~ Bill Maher

I JUST ORDERED A LIFE ALERT BRACELET SO IF I EVER GET A LIFE I WILL BE NOTIFIED IMMEDIATELY.

"Stay positive and keep smiling”
Unless you are a coder.
Then it's “stay caffeinated and keep debugging while questioning your life choices.”

Life is like a box of chocolates. more expensive than i was expecting.

Forgive your parents for their mistakes, it's their first time living life too.

Life is too short to be so stressed.

Your love life is like Sudoku. Very complicated, with no hope of solving it.

Leibniz be like: when life gives you lemons, make le monad.

Teach us to realize the brevity of life so that we may grow in wisdom.
Psalm 90:12

The biggest scam in life is paying taxes on the money we make, paying taxes on money we spend, and taxes on things we own, that we already paid taxes on, with already taxed money.

“Neither should a ship rely on one small anchor, nor should life rest on a single hope.”

This chapter of my life is called 'at least the rent is paid'.

When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in people's eyes.

Why not? Life is short.

Fact: Ten out of ten people die. Don't take life too seriously.

If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water gun and shoot other people in the eyes.

I’m not saying that I hate you, but I’d unplug your life support machine to charge my mobile.

Teacher. "What's the longest sentence you can think of?"
Me. "Life imprisonment. "

No matter how hard your life is, don't like your own post.

“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.”
Ron White

Life is a long process of getting tired.
– Samuel Butler

Do not take life too seriously, you will never get out of it alive.

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

“The Life and Times of Ivan Pavlov” by Isabelle Ringing

Ars longa, vita brevis.

Art is long, life is short.

There are countless more important things in life than money — if you have enough money.

"In truth, all life is sorrowful. Whoever understands this, understands life."
- The First Noble Truth, Buddhism

Life advice: Make better decisions.

If life is a highway, then why am I stuck in traffic?

Dentist: Ok, let's get you numb.

Me: Life has already done that.

Life is too short to hold onto things that no longer serve you.

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they really good at their job and make my life easier at work? Also no.

Remember, when life gives you lemons, they are considered taxable income.

Life hack: Never, ever open a package that is buzzing and the exact size and shape of a swarm of bees.

My love life is like a game of minesweeper

I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.