Random quote/joke about LIFE:
Two ancient statues in a Roman park had been locking eyes for over 1000 years, their bodies arched toward each other with the promise of a warm embrace. One day a mystical gypsy woman stumbled upon the statues in the park and had an idea.
She used her dark gypsy ways to bring the statues to life promising them an hour to do what they will before they once again must stand still for the rest of time.
Eagerly they took each other's hand and rushed into the bushes. The gypsy smiled as she heard giggling delight and the undeniable sounds of pleasure from near by.
Soon the gypsy heard the female statue crying aloud "I'm going to get one IM GOING to GET ONE!..... Oh Yess I got it!"
To which the male statue replied "Good, hold that dirty pigeon down while I shit on its head."
Unveiling Truths, Nurturing Minds, Inspiring Wisdom.
- Updated:
2025-03-09.
Selected LIFE quotes/jokes:
I sleep with life and death in the same bed.
— Bob Dylan
Karens husband dies. After a few days, she starts missing him, so she buys an Ouija board and contacts her husband.
Karen: Honey, can you listen to me?
Husband: Yes
Karen: Are you happy in afterlife?
Husband: Yes
Karen: Is it better than your life on earth?
Husband: Yes
Karen: Nice. So how's heaven?
Husband: Who said I'm in heaven?
My whole adult life people have told me I should write my jokes down. I now realise they meant instead of saying them out loud.
Life is not a Fairy Tale.
If you lose your shoe at midnight
You Are Drunk.
More LIFE quotes/jokes...
My sex life is like a bank account - no deposits, just withdrawals.
My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.
Life is a single player game.
Life tip:The best time to search for a job is when you already have one.
Life tip: It's not a discount if you otherwise wouldn't have bought it.
The meaning of life is to keep yourself busy with unnecessary shit until you are dead forever.
Life is ultimately just a 'try-not-to-die' challenge set on impossible difficulty.
Your whole life is spent gathering people for your funeral.
My sex-life is like Coca Cola....
...first it was normal, then it was light and now it's zero!
The biggest scam in life is paying taxes on the money we make, paying taxes on money we spend, and taxes on things we own, that we already paid taxes on, with already taxed money.
Life Coach: “After a hot bath, drink a glass of chardonnay.”
Client: “But I’ll never finish drinking the bath …”
Life is like a movie so make sure you pick up good songs for the soundtrack.
LIFE HACKS/2023 Edition
1. If Bill Gates is involved, avoid it.
2. If Biden says it's true, it's false.
3. If the CDC, FDA say it's safe, it's dangerous.
4. If congress makes a law to help you, it will eventually hurt you.
5. If the media agrees, it's a lie.
In my life I like to prioritise procrastination.
72 virgins in Islam.
“Promising pussy in the afterlife is the lowest thing I ever heard in my life”.
~ Bill Maher
I JUST ORDERED A LIFE ALERT BRACELET SO IF I EVER GET A LIFE I WILL BE NOTIFIED IMMEDIATELY.
"Stay positive and keep smiling”
Unless you are a coder.
Then it's “stay caffeinated and keep debugging while questioning your life choices.”
Life is like a box of chocolates. more expensive than i was expecting.
Forgive your parents for their mistakes, it's their first time living life too.
Life is too short to be so stressed.
Your love life is like Sudoku. Very complicated, with no hope of solving it.
Leibniz be like: when life gives you lemons, make le monad.
Teach us to realize the brevity of life so that we may grow in wisdom.
Psalm 90:12
The biggest scam in life is paying taxes on the money we make, paying taxes on money we spend, and taxes on things we own, that we already paid taxes on, with already taxed money.
“Neither should a ship rely on one small anchor, nor should life rest on a single hope.”
This chapter of my life is called 'at least the rent is paid'.
When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in people's eyes.
Why not? Life is short.
Fact: Ten out of ten people die. Don't take life too seriously.
If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water gun and shoot other people in the eyes.
I’m not saying that I hate you, but I’d unplug your life support machine to charge my mobile.
Teacher. "What's the longest sentence you can think of?"
Me. "Life imprisonment. "
No matter how hard your life is, don't like your own post.
“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.”
Ron White
Life is a long process of getting tired.
– Samuel Butler
Do not take life too seriously, you will never get out of it alive.
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
“The Life and Times of Ivan Pavlov” by Isabelle Ringing
Ars longa, vita brevis.
Art is long, life is short.
There are countless more important things in life than money — if you have enough money.
"In truth, all life is sorrowful. Whoever understands this, understands life."
- The First Noble Truth, Buddhism
Life advice: Make better decisions.
If life is a highway, then why am I stuck in traffic?
Dentist: Ok, let's get you numb.
Me: Life has already done that.
Life is too short to hold onto things that no longer serve you.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they really good at their job and make my life easier at work? Also no.
Remember, when life gives you lemons, they are considered taxable income.
Life hack: Never, ever open a package that is buzzing and the exact size and shape of a swarm of bees.
My love life is like a game of minesweeper
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.