Hilarious quotes and jokes about SUCCESS that will make your day !

If you want less success, tax it.
If you want more poverty, fund it.

I opened a new hotel last week. It was an overnight success.

A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE requires falling in love many times... but keep in mind it has to be always with the same person!

“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.’’
— Mark Twain

Modern medicine has reached its pinnacle of success.

Almost everyone is sick.

The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a 0% success rate.

If you want less success, tax it.
If you want more poverty, fund it.

I have to be successful because I like expensive shit.

“Success is a science; if you have the conditions, you get the result.”
– Oscar Wilde

A successful depopulation agenda would require high excess death rates, lower birth rates and for the vast majority to vilify those that question it.

My bonsai business was so successful, I had to move to smaller premises.

If you attempt to rob a bank, you will have no trouble with rent or bills for the next ten years, whether you are successful or not.

If A is success in life, then

𝐀 = 𝐱 + 𝐲 + 𝐳.

Work is x, play is y and z is keeping your mouth shut.

— A. Einstein (1879-1955)

Success is built fom stacking small wins.

I opened a new hotel last week. It was an overnight success.

“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.’’
— Mark Twain

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him Ive successfully installed Java.

He hates me.

Most successful people are people you've never heard of. They want it that way.

Secret to a successful marriage is separate vacations.

To sell your art successfully you have to be articulate!

Zusmann's Rule: A successful symposium depends on the ratio of meeting to eating.

Sodd's Other Law: The degree of failure is in direct proportion to the effort expended and to the need for success.

Pike Law of Punditry: The successful pundit is provided more opportunities to say things than he has things worth saying.

Law of the Perversity of Nature: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.

Paturi Principle: Success is the result of behavior that completely contradicts the usual expectations about the behavior of a successful person.
Corollary: The amount of success is in inverse proportion to the effort involved in attaining it.

Parkinson's Law of Medical Research: Successful research attracts the bigger grant which makes further research impossible.

Maier's Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. Corollaries:
The bigger the theory, the better.
The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain a correspondence with the theory. (Compensation Corollary)

Jay's Laws of Leadership:
Changing things is central to leadership, and changing them before anyone else is creativity.
To build something that endures, it is of the greatest important to have a long tenure in office -- to rule for many years. You can achieve a quick success in a year or two, but nearly all of the great tycoons have continued their building much longer.

Heller's Myths of Management: The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill.
Corollary (Johnson): Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within your organization.

Fett's Law of the Lab: Never replicate a successful experiment.

Evelyn's Rules for Bureaucratic Survival:

A bureaucrat's castle is his desk . . . and parking place. Proceed cautiously when changing either.
On the theory that one should never take anything for granted, follow up on everything, but especially those items varying from the norm. The greater the divergence from normal routine and/or the greater the number of offices potentially involved, the better the chance a never-to-be-discovered person will file the problem away in a drawer specifically designed for items requiring a decision.
Never say without qualification that your activity has sufficient space, money, staff, etc.
Always distrust offices not under your jurisdiction which say that they are there to serve you. "Support" offices in a bureaucracy tend to grow in size and make demands on you out of proportion to their service, and in the end require more effort on your part than their service is worth.
Corollary: Support organizations can always prove success by showing service to someone . . . not necessarily you.
Incompetents often hire able assistants.

Connolly's Rule for Political Incumbents: Short-term success with voters on any side of a given issue can be guaranteed by creating a long-term special study commission made up of at least three divergent interest groups.

Cartoon Laws:

Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout- perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self- replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generation, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.

(Tony) Brown's Law of Business Success: Our customer's paperwork is profit. Our own paperwork is loss.

Boyle's Laws:
When things are going well, someone will inevitably experiment detrimentally.
The deficiency will never show itself during the dry runs.
Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know.
An original idea can never emerge from committee in the original.
When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform perfectly.
The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by the paper clip of the overlying correspondence and go to file.
Success can be insured only by devising a defense against failure of the contingency plan.
Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects.
If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges.
The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting.
Talent in staff work or sales will recurringly be interpreted as managerial ability.
The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his subordinates' premonitions only during the postmortems.
Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce multiple interpretations.
On successive charts of the same organization the number of boxes will never decrease.

Bartz's Law of Hokey Horsepuckery: The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher the probability of its success.

Success requires no explanations.
Failure permits no alibis.

Reminder: The successful people you look up to once did the things you refuse to do.

Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.
– W. P. Kinsella

"The best revenge is massive success."

• Frank Sinatra

"To be normal is the ultimate aim of the unsuccessful."

- Carl Jung

MARKETING QUESTION
Do soap manufacturers have more success targeting those who are dirt poor or filthy rich?

The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success.

Have you heard of the band tesla/Edison
They didn't become successful until they changed their name to AC/DC
Their still current.

The lingerie owner didn't know how well he was doing. He was underwear of his success.

The key to a successful marriage lies in redefining “successful.” And “marriage.” Possibly even “a.”

If there's a 1% chance of success, try 100 times.

Success is 1% planning and 99% discipline.

Success is neither magical nor mysterious. Success is the natural consequence of consistently applying basic fundamentals.

Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.

"Patience is a key element of success."
~ Bill Gates

After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.

Success does not consist in never making mistakes but in never making the same one a second time.

Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can't lose.