Hilarious quotes and jokes about PHILOSOPHY that will make your day !

"Don't explain your philosophy. Embody it."

— Epictetus

A Poet and a Philosopher walk into a bar ; after 4 Martini's there was no longer any rhyme nor reason to the evening,...🍸

What do you get if you cross a philosopher with a godfather? An offer you can't understand.

My Eastern philosophy guru told me ...
"To grow in enlightenment, you must live in harmony with the mystical Source of everything."

"Wait," I said. "I thought you told me last week that enlightenment came from sudden bursts of insight when meditating on a koan."

"Well," he replied, "that was Zen. This is Tao."

If it happens once, it's a bug.
If it happens twice, it's a feature.
If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.

“Libertarianism is the philosophy which says that you can run your life better than the government can, and you have the right to be left alone in order to do it.”
– Anonymous

"Don't explain your philosophy. Embody it."

— Epictetus

Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: Everyone should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink.

Theory of the International Society of Philosophic Engineering:

In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so.
Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of most harm.
In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from engineering handbooks) are to be treated as variables.
The best approximation of service conditions in the laboratory will not begin to meet those conditions encountered in actual service.
The most vital dimension on any plan or drawing stands the greatest chance of being omitted.
If only one bid can be secured on any project, the price will be unreasonable.
If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent production units will malfunction.
All delivery promises must be multiplied by a factor of 2.0.
Major changes in construction will always be requested after fabrication is nearly completed.
Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
Interchangeable parts won't.
Manufacturer's specifications of performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.5.
Salespeople's claims for performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.25.
Installation and Operating Instructions shipped with the device will be promptly discarded by the Receiving Department.
Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible.
Service Conditions as given on specifications will be exceeded.
If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.
Identical units which test in an identical fashion will not behave in an identical fashion in the field.
If, in engineering practice, a safety factor is set through service experience at an ultimate value, an ingenious idiot will promptly calculate a method to exceed said safety factor.
Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.

Peck's Programming Postulates (Philosophic Engineering applied to programming):

In any program, any error which can creep in will eventually do so.
Not until the program has been in production for at least six months will the most harmful error be discovered.
Any constants, limits, or timing formulas that appear in the computer manufacturer's literature should be treated as variables.
The most vital parameter in any subroutine stands the greatest chance of being left out of the calling sequence.
If only one compiler can be secured for a piece of hardware, the compilation times will be exorbitant.
If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems will malfunction.
Job control cards that positively cannot be arranged in improper order, will be.
Interchangeable tapes won't.
If more than one person has programmed a malfunctioning routine, no one is at fault.
If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.
Duplicated object decks which test in identical fashion will not give identical results at remote sites.
Manufacturer's hardware and software support ceases with payment for the computer.

Harris's Law: Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.

Freeman's Commentary on Ginberg's Theorem:

Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem. To wit:
Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.

Gardner's Rule of Society: The society which scorns excellence in plumbing because plumbing is a humble activity and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy. Neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water.

Who is the most famous footwear philosopher? Sockrates.

My techie friend is launching a dating app for German philosophy majors. He Kant be sure it will catch on, though. It’s a Nietzsche market.

Study mathematics to understand physics

Study physics to understand chemistry

Study chemistry to understand biology

Study biology to understand psychology

Study psychology to understand economics

Study economics and philosophy to be free

"Don't explain your philosophy. Embody it."
- Epictetus

" By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."
~ Socrates

A Poet and a Philosopher walk into a bar ; after 4 Martini's there was no longer any rhyme nor reason to the evening,...🍸

How am I feeling about the upcoming Enlightenment Philosophy Conference?
I Kant wait!

Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention.
I laughed more than I thought.

I recently bought a manual on philosophy.
But Immanuel Kant explain it properly.

A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.

—Ludwig Wittgenstein

What do you get if you cross a philosopher with a godfather? An offer you can't understand.

Did you hear about the philosophical taxi driver?
He said, “It’s not the work I enjoy, it’s the people I run into!”

I once got provoked by a Greek philosopher.
I got Socra-TEASED!!!!

A philosopher says to a linguist, “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”
The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

My Eastern philosophy guru told me ...
"To grow in enlightenment, you must live in harmony with the mystical Source of everything."

"Wait," I said. "I thought you told me last week that enlightenment came from sudden bursts of insight when meditating on a koan."

"Well," he replied, "that was Zen. This is Tao."

Philosophy books are a Nietzsche market. 👨‍🦳