Husband and Wife Jokes: Marriage Humor to Share with Your Spouse.

My wife’s just said she can’t take any more of my laziness.
As soon as my mum comes round to pack my bags, I’m leaving.

I was really struggling to get my wife's attention, so I sat down and looked comfortable, that did the trick!

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

I finally decided to introduce my girlfriend to my family last night. The kids loved her, but the wife went mental.

Stewardess: I’m sorry, Mr. Smith, but we left your wife behind in London.
Mr. Smith: Thank goodness! I thought I was going deaf!

My husband is leaving me because I always go off-topic in the middle of the Mediterranean, and we had a lovely time.

Spouse #1: Honey, this coffee tastes like dirt. Spouse #2: That's not surprising, dear, it was just ground this morning.

Wife: Dear, how do I look?

Husband: With your eyes.

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve!

– It’s our anniversary, dear. How do you suggest we celebrate it?
– With a minute of silence?

A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?” - “Yes, sir,” says the customer and gets promptly shot. - “Have you seen me rob this bank?” the robber asks another customer. - “Absolutely not, sir, but my wife here saw everything!”

Marriage is an institution of three rings. Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

I got a call telling me my wife’s been taken to the hospital. “Oh my Lord, how is she?!” I asked. “I’m sorry to say she’s critical,” said the nurse. “What the heck is she complaining about again?!”

I tried to re-marry my ex-wife. But she figured out I was only after my money.

Q: Why doesn’t our democratic society permit a man to have 2 wives?
A: Because our laws protect us against cruel and unusual punishment.

My wife’s cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.

A golden rule of the wife: There isn’t a problem in the world that couldn’t be created.

An elderly couple talk in the evening: “Honey, I’m so sorry that I let out my anger at you so often. How do you manage to stay so calm with my foul moods?” “I always go and clean the toilet when that happens.” “And that helps?” “Yes, because I’m using your toothbrush.”

I got all dewy eyed when I saw my husband looking at our marriage certificate for half an hour. Then I found out he’s been looking for an expiry date.