Jokes about being single that will make your day !

Why are married women fatter than single women?
A single woman looks in her fridge, sees nothing appetizing and goes to bed.
A married women looks in her bed, sees nothing appetizing and goes to the fridge.

Y’all relationships truly inspire me..
To be single.

If Valentine’s Day is for couples what holiday is for single guys?
Palm Sunday.

Being single past 30 is like playing hide and seek expect no one’s looking for you.

If Valentine's Day is for couples, what day is it for single men?

Palm Sunday.

Being single past 30 is like playing hide and seek expect no one’s looking for you.

I'm so single if I win a trip for 2, I'm going twice.

What do you call men who make ‘women belong in the kitchen’ jokes?

Single.

Newton said "The greater the mass, the greater the force of attraction"

Yet here I am. Still single.

Issac Newton said “ The greater the mass, the greater the attraction….”

And yet, here I am, still single….

I'm so single right now, that if i win a trip for two, im going twice!!!

I love surprising my Girlfriend…
Today she woke up blocked and single!

Point to ponder:
I have yet to meet a single person who is happily married.

Most women are single today because they are looking for Husbank not Husband.

How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.

Y’all relationships truly inspire me..
To be single.

I am soooo single that when they ask for an emergency contact, I just put down "Jesus"!

All the single men better not ask Santa for a good woman this year because I can't possibly be everywhere at once..lol

Why wife gets mad because I donate so much money every week to help support single moms.
She says I'm just using it as an excuse to go to the strip club.

ALONE? I just want someone to touch me and look at me the way a woman touches and looks at a pair of shoes she can't afford... 👠

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats. This phenomenon is known as many paws.

Two pebbles get washed up on a beach.
One pebble says to the other: "Are you married?”
The other replies: "No, I’m shingle...

I went to a palm reader she said"your single and lonely".
I said"how did you know that"she said "you have spunk on your hand".

I was at a restaurant...
A girl came over to me and asked "are you single? So I excitedly replied "Yes!"

So she took the extra chair from my table.

A good looking man walked into a singles bar, bought a drink and settled down ready to use his best lines.
But for the next two hours every woman he approached gave him the brush-off. Then suddenly a really ugly guy walked in and within seconds he was surrounded by beautiful, available women. A few minutes later he sauntered out with a stunning brunette on each arm.

The handsome guy was thoroughly despondent. Turning to the bartender, he said: ‘I don't get it. How did that guy walk out with those two when I can't even get a phone number?’

‘I don’t know what his secret is,’ said the barman. ‘But he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows . . .’

My favourite type of woman would be a single mom...
once I am done with her.

Being single and childless is not a choice.
I was born this way.

What's the difference between singles and eggs on Valentine's day?
The eggs get laid!

Why single Men shave their dick n' balls ?
The chances of a random blowjob are low, but never 0.

If Valentine’s Day is for couples what holiday is for single guys?
Palm Sunday.

What happened to the single IT technician when he tried to flirt with a barista at a cafe?
He was unable to make a connection to the server.

What do single people call Valentine's Day?
Happy Independence Day.

If you're bi and single then you aren't bisexual.
Your bi yourself.

What's the difference between single life and married life?
When you're married, there's no volume on when watching porn.

I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.

Married men live longer than single men,
but married men are more willing to die.

A plane crashes. Every single person dies. Who survives?
Every couple.

How much space would a single, fun guy need for his new apartment?
mushroom!

Friend: You give the best relationship advices, but why are you single.
Me: Coaches don't play.

Why are all anti-vaxxers single?
Because they don't shoot their shot.

A woman is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says: "You must be single."
The woman answers: "Wow, how did you know?"
Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

Why I'm single now.
My wife said I had no empathy. I had no idea she felt that way.

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.

When I was single I always felt like a pirate.
I'd start by looking for wenches with a good chest, but always ended up distracted by their booty.

A single guy was living with his elderly father and running the family business. He realized he was going to inherit a fortune once his ailing father died and decided he needed a wife to share his life...
One day at the bank, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and made his move.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy." he said to her. "But in a few years, my father will die and I'll inherit 10 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.
A month later, she became his stepmother.

Why are married women fatter than single women?
A single woman looks in her fridge, sees nothing appetizing and goes to bed.
A married women looks in her bed, sees nothing appetizing and goes to the fridge.

In the interests of self care, and to promote healthier lifestyle choices for myself now that I'm single, each morning when I get up, I look myself in the mirror, and say the three little words I always used to say to my wife.
"You're too fat".

I asked Siri “Why I’m still single?”.
She opened the front facing camera.

I've always had a lot of respect for single moms.
That's why i go to the strip clubs and donate my dollar bills.