Husband and Wife Jokes: Marriage Humor to Share with Your Spouse.

Doctor: "Your wife's in hospital."
Me: "How is she?"
Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical."
Me: "Ah, you get used to that..."

I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean on thing... It’s laundry day.

I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean on thing... It’s laundry day.

Wife said we should try some role reversal in bed..

So I said I had a headache.

My wife texted me “I love u”.

I said that’s my favorite letter, too.

My wife said she wanted me to put the magic back into our relationship.

I don't think sawing her in half was quite what she had in mind.

Be careful about online scams folks.
I ordered some expensive jewelry for my wife, and they sent me a new set of golf clubs.

My wife’s leaving me because she thinks I’m obsessed with astronomy.

What planet is she on?

My wife said that it doesn't look like I'm very good at shaving.

Bloody cheek!

Her: Babe, can I be a stay at home wife?

Me: I don't care what you do when you get off work.

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

My wife asked me why I call her 12.

Dozen cook, dozen clean, dozen do anything.

My wife says I'm childish.

Well, she's just a stinky poo face.

Behind every husband who thinks he wears the pants.
Is a wife who told him which pants to wear.

I only do what the voices in my wife's head tell her to tell me to do.

Me: see, I told you I could fit all the Halloween decorations in one box.

My wife: stop calling our house a box.

My wife and I have started role playing in the bedroom, her favourite is 'Sexy librarian' where I have to sit quietly while she reads a book.

My wife will be coming back home today. I haven't cleaned or done the dishes for a week.
Now she'll see that I can't live without her.
I'm so romantic!

Wife: "You always get the worst anniversary gifts."

Husband: "You didn't say over. Over."

I asked my wife what women really want, she said "attentive lovers."
Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers."
I wasn't really listening.

Doctor "I don't know how to tell you this."
Wife "just tell me."
Doctor "your husband is an asshole."
Wife *bursts into tears* "I knew it"

Went to a wife swapping party last night.
Result.
Got a set of headlamps for a Ford Capri and three Shakin’ Stevens LPs.

I'm 32 but my wife turns 69
If I ask her politely.

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

Husband: “hey honey, how about a 69 tonight?”
Wife: “the number you have dialed is not in service at this time”.

My wife and I had words; however, I didn't get to use mine!

My wife and I separated due to our disagreements over astrology. It Taurus apart.

Both my wife and I went to the orthopedist because we had pain in our knees.
He said it was a joint problem.

My wife said I should stop making stupid puns and take her abortion more seriously.

I won't let this d-fetus.

I nudged my wife in bed last night, and whispered "Did you know it's National Orgasm Day?"
"Oh, what a pity," she yawned, turning away. "Right in the middle of National Headache Week!”

I hate holding my wife's purse in public. It never matches what I'm wearing.

My wife lovingly said, “You smell like horse poop.” I said, “That’s because I’m wearing one of ma’ newer fragrances.”

I think my wife has started to show the first signs of Alzheimer's...
She said she can't remember what she ever saw in me!

My wife asked if I had seen the moon tonight...

I didnt know it was lost...

It is funny how my wife waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub...
...just to ask me what time it is.

Wife: I have lost my keys again. Damn it !
Husband: Its in your jeans.
Wife: Don't u dare bring my family into this.

Her: Honey, what is manipulation?
Me: I bet you one dollar that you can't wash all the dishes in ten minutes.
Her: Get my money ready.

My wife and I had a talk in the back of the boat. It was a stern conversation

My wife keeps saying we need to be on the same page.
- I don’t even know what book she’s reading!

Having my ears cleaned is one of the most painful things I've ever had done...I can hear my wife perfectly now.

My wife has left me because of my obsession with cricket. It's knocked me for 6 !!!!

My wife and I are having a competition on who can steal the most dog related stuff from our pet store.
I've taken the lead.

Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does!

Husband: When I die, I want to die having sex.
Wife: At least it will be quick.

Wife gettting ready: How do I look honey?
Husband: With your eyes dear.

My wife thinks I dont give her enough privacy.

At least that’s what she said in her diary.

Wife:"Why do you ALWAYS use weather references?"
Him:"Um, I haven't...😎 the foggiest."
Then he winked at her and stormed out.

My wife, interrupting me at a cocktail party:
For the last time- being first to push the elevator buttons doesn’t make you an “operative.”

Some guys refer to their wife as "their better half." What if you're a polygamist? "Here's Joan, my better sixth?"

"You are accused of polygamy"

"And who pressed charges?

"Your wife"

"Which one exactly?"

I bought my wife a stripper pole for our anniversary and installed it in our bedroom.
Whenever I ask her if she likes it, she just dances around the subject.

My wife told me she wanted the body of a stripper.
But she screamed when I brought her one.

Wife: “It's raining cats and dogs?"
Husband: "Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer".

A husband and wife are arguing:
Wife: You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back
Husband: What do you expect, you’re in a wheelchair.

My wife never recognizes me when I’m in bed.
Because I’m UNDERCOVER….

My wife was afraid of the dark.
Then she saw me naked…
Now she’s afraid of the light!

This morning, my wife said she wanted me to help fix Thanksgiving dinner.
I said, “Why? Is it broken?”

I hate it when my wife keeps telling me that I don’t get it. I mean, what does it even mean?

My wife thinks it’s weird that I stare at the window during a heavy rainstorm.
- It would be a lot less weird if she’d just let me in!

My wife thinks I should become a spy...
She says I'm naturally good at moving in and out unnoticed.

The postman left me a note to say my package was too large.
My wife disagrees.

I used to enjoy cuddling with the babysitter when she put me to bed, but meanwhile it feels a bit weird.
Especially when my wife is not yet asleep.

Wife: I'm pregnant.
Dad: Hi pregnant, I’m dad.
Wife: No, you’re not.

My housewife wanted to go back to college.
At first I was skeptical, but eventually I agreed to a degree.

A housewife comes running from the kitchen and grabs her husband
"We have to make love right this moment," she declares, pulling his clothes off.

Not one to waste an opportunity, the man stands at attention and gets to work.

After the deed is done, the man says, "That was pretty good. But why all of a sudden?."

"Oh," the wife replies, "my egg timer is broken."

An angry housewife met her husband at the front door and immediately noticed he smelled of alcohol and perfume.

"I assume," she said with her most acidic sarcasm, "That there must be a very good reason for your coming home at six o'clock in the morning with booze on your breath and another woman's perfume all over you."

"There is," he said. "I'd like breakfast."

Spouses are a lot like FBI agents.
They won’t ask you a question that they do not already know the answer to.

I call my wife, Bambi. It is a term of endeerment.

I came home today to find my husband had been on ebay all day!
If this continues...I'm gonna have to reduce the price.

My wife and I share the same sense of humour.

We have to, she doesn't have one.

Wife: "For Pete's sake, I'm getting sick and tired of you accusing me of cheating on you!"
Husband: "Who's Pete?"

My wife has just phoned me to say that 3 girls in her office have received flowers and they are absolutely gorgeous.
I said, "That's probably why."

Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I'm hoping that she's having an affair.

My wife has stood by me for 30 years...

We only have 1 chair.

My wife says my snoring a noise her.

My wife and I share the same sense of humour...
We have to, she doesn't have one.

I told the wife that I'm seeing dots. She says, have you seen a doctor? No, just dots.

My wife named our waterbed the DEAD SEA.

I've been married for 47yrs now, and I've started to have erection difficulties....
My wife and I have different ideas as to what the problem is.....
She bought me some Viagra.....
And I bought her a treadmill....

My wife asked me why I never weigh myself, I said I'm trying to scale back.