Girlfriend and Boyfriend Jokes to Enjoy Together.

My gf and I were arguing about who has better self control. "Clearly me," she says, "For example. I put a candy bar on my desk on Monday and it hasn't moved an inch"
"That's nothing!" I said
. "All six times I ate it I put a new candy bar on your desk exactly where you left it."

My girlfriend complains a lot that I don't smile anymore.

Well she's the one who wanted a serious relationship.

I need to control my anger I nearly reported my girlfriend to my wife today.

Q: How many ex-boyfriends does it take to tile a bathroom?
A: Two - if you slice them very thinly.

My girlfriend complains a lot that I don't smile anymore.

Well she's the one who wanted a serious relationship.

After kissing my girlfriend on the sofa she said “let’s take this upstairs”.

“Ok” I said “ You grab one end and I’ll grab the other”.

My girlfriend hates it when I tweet about my wife.

My girlfriend is like a goddess...

My friends and family don't believe she exists.

My girlfriend is like terms and conditions

Because I ignore everything she says and then agree with her.

The girlfriend keeps moaning that there's not enough room in the wardrobe.

She needs to shut the fuck up, the wife might discover her.

Maturity is realising that you need a sugar mommy not a girlfriend.

I always shave my beard after having sex

... so I can remind my gf for how long we've not been doing it.

My gf complains to me about constantly being sexually harassed at work​.
I told her she can stop working from home and go back to the office.

My necrophiliac girlfriend told me I was dead to her.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

Yes, I'm a professor. I teach intercourse 101 and my gf is the only student.
She's getting a D.

A man squirts water on his girlfriend’s skirt with a squirting gun.

His girlfriend starts laughing hysterically, and the man asks why.

“Well you see, you finally got me wet!”

My gf told me that I act like a clown.
It was so unexpected and upsetting I stopped juggling and almost fell off my unicycle.

Today is "National girlfriend day" ..And coincidentally "I hope my wife doesn't come home from work early day"..

My boyfriend wants to have a threesome.
My boyfriend wants to have a threesome. So I told him when cloning is legal, then he can have one.

My girlfriend poked me in the eyes...

...so I stopped seeing her for a while.

I once broke up with this girl that worked at an aquarium. Just something about her seemed fishy.

Maturity is when you realize you need a Sugar mommy not Girlfriend.

So my girlfriend asked me the other day "Don't you know where the G Spot is?"
And I said yeah, of course, I know where the G spot is. It is between the F Spot and the H spot.

My girlfriend broke up with me just because a dog chased us and I ran faster than her.

I broke up with my anorexic Girlfriend.

I was seeing less and less of her.

"Do you have gf? "
"Yes i have"
"Where does she live"
"Another nation"
"What nation?"
"Imagination"

I told my boyfriend I was bisexual....
He *buys* me food, and I'll get *sexual*.

My girlfriend thinks I'm creepy.

Well, she's not my girlfriend yet.

My gf and I were arguing about who has better self control. "Clearly me," she says, "For example. I put a candy bar on my desk on Monday and it hasn't moved an inch"
"That's nothing!" I said
. "All six times I ate it I put a new candy bar on your desk exactly where you left it."

My gf started to do a striptease just for me. She asked me what should go out first.

Apparently "The light" was not the correct answer.

I love my girlfriend so much that I almost told her about my other girlfriend.

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words? Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

Apparently, the answer "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.

Was sleeping at my girlfriend’s house last night.
Her dad wouldn’t let us sleep in the same bed.
that really upset me because he’s actually really handsome!

I previously suffered from premature ejaculation my GF got me some cream that reduces sensitivity
It 100% totally work's now i don't give a fuck about that bitch.

My girlfriend said if I don’t stop my obsession with Viking culture she’ll fight me to the death.
“Jokes on you,” I said. “If I die in battle, I’ll go straight to Valhalla.”

They say 1 in 3 people are unfaithful in a relationship, I'm just not sure if it's my wife or my girlfriend.

Looking for a flexible babysitter.
My girlfriend only does missionary.

My girlfriend told me there is no way you can turn a hoe into a housewife.
I said "Yes you can".
She said "How"?
I proposed.

What do my girlfriend and ethical capitalism have in common?
They don't exist.

My girlfriend has a glass eye. She's the one eye love.

I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she's a keeper.

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed..
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence..

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family.
My kids liked her, but my wife wasn't impressed.

My girlfriend wants to get married. I hope she finds a nice guy.

My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.

"Does your new boyfriend dress like a gentleman?"

"I don't know, I haven't seen him dress."

My Girlfriend keeps asking me if i'm happy with the Bed of Nails that she bought for me.
I'm not going to lie.

Nothing more painful when you had a fight with your girlfriend and can't tell your wife about it.

Had make up sex with my girlfriend. I make up scenarios and she says no.

"Is your new boyfriend spoiled?"
"No, that's just the cologne he wears."

My girlfriend is throwing me a surprise birthday party. I know about it but it’ll be a surprise for my wife.

I need to control my anger I nearly reported my girlfriend to my wife today.