Funny Useful and Useless Advice for All Your Problems.

Dance like no one is watching. Because they're not. They're checking their phones.

Marry Someone Who Has a Different Favorite Cereal than You So They Won't Eat All of Yours.

Don't Let Go of You Wife's Hand at the Mall, Because She Will Start Shopping.

Ladies, if a man says he'll fix something, he will. There's no point in telling him about it every six months.

If You Swim with a Friend, Your Chances of Getting Eaten by a Shark Will Drop by 50%.

If You Attempt to Rob a Bank, You Will Have No Trouble with Rent or Bills for the Next Ten Years, Whether You Are Successful or Not.

If There is no Flashlight on Your Phone, Take a Photo of the Sun and Use It in the Dark.

It Doesn't Matter Where You Get Your Appetite as Long as You Eat at Home.

Don't Be Sad, Because Sad Backwards Is Das, And Das Not Good.

If You Can't Wish for More Wishes, then Wish for More Genies.

Are You Nervous? Don't be Nervous.

Don't Open the Window When in Submarine.

There's a little-known, but foolproof defense against sharks. Sharks will only attack you if you're wet.

My father once told me, "Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it's something your father told you."

If you're late, just say, "Sorry I'm late, I was at home sitting down.

Never Read the Words "COVID-19" to the Tune of the Song "Come on Eileen."

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

After giving people advice always say, “I'm not sure it works tho” so they can't say it ruined their life.

If You Hear Weird Noises in the Night, Simply Make Weirder Noises to Assert Dominance.

If you start a phone call with, “My phone is almost dead,” you can hang up at any time.

If you find a toilet in your dream, don’t use it.

When You Want to Annoy Someone at Work, Use Air Quotes when Addressing Their Work Title.

Never drink downstream from a cow herd.

If she asks for four chicken nuggets, buy ten.

Never put your hands into a hole that you can't see into.