Random hurt joke:

I was relieved that the nurse didn't hurt me whilst taking my blood.
It was a jab well done.

HURT and SUFFERING quotes and jokes collection.

Selected suffering jokes:

Happened upon a guy hitting himself in the head with a hammer.

"Doesn't it hurt?" I asked.

"Yeah," he admitted. "But it feels so GOOD when I stop."

"A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears."
- Montaigne

The opposite of BDSM is BDHM

Baby, don't hurt me

I went to see a plastic surgeon and he gave me a huge dick...

My arse still hurts but I've never looked younger!

More suffering jokes...

It hurts me to say this...
But, I have a sore throat.

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn...

If you hurt my best friend, I can make your death look like an accident.

“I am a fool with a heart but no brains, and you are a fool with brains but no heart; and we’re both unhappy, and we both suffer.”

—Fyodor Dostoevsky

“Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into a better shape.”
~Charles Dickens

Never say a lion is lyin; you could hurt his pride.

"There is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for."
~ Paulo Coelho

Did you hear about the website for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?

It's a site for sore eyes.

What did bacon suffer from before it was cured ?

Happy New Year!

(I know it's early, but I suffer from premature congratulation)

Short Christmas Jokes

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It's Christmas, Eve !

How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve !

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ?
The letter "D" !

What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !

What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ?
Black mail !

Who delievers cat's Christmas presents ?
Santa Paws !

Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ?
Because it soots him !

Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents?
Elephanta Claus !

How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ?
Stacks !

Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve ?
Because he's Sooty !

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea. . Does that mean that one enjoys it?

Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.

I've launched a new yoghurt range specifically aimed at people who are lazy..

It's called Inactivia.

I've been suffering lately from hallucinations. I saw a doctor... there was no doctor.

A factory worker died today after falling into a vat of coffee. Police say that although it came as a shock to all who knew him, they may take some relief from the fact he didn’t suffer.
It was instant.

I went to see a plastic surgeon and he gave me a huge dick...

My arse still hurts but I've never looked younger!

I heard all the hair stylists are suffering from depression due to unemployment.
They just want to like, dye.

I've suffered with Amnesia for as long as I can remember.

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of “RINGS” : The Engagement Ring The Wedding Ring The Suffering The Enduring.

Jane was one of those UGLY women, so ugly it hurts. She never had a boyfriend so she went to a Psychic for help.
"Honey," said the Psychic. "You will not have luck in love in this life. But, at the reincarnation, you will be a very desired woman and all men will fall at your feet."
Jane left very happy and so excited, as she went over a bridge she thought, "The sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins."
She decided to jump off the bridge right away. But, incredibly Jane didn't die!
She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas, she lost her senses and fainted. As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very well, and not knowing where she was, she started touching her surroundings, feeling all the bananas she mumbled with a huge smile on her face, "Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Please! One at a time!"

Marriage is an institution of three rings. Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

Q: Why don't Democrats drink?
A: It interferes with their suffering!

Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about me choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves...
but I don't like to point fingers...

My favorite childhood memory is....
My back not hurting.

Two guys win big in a casino and one wants to hire a hooker. They’re not familiar with the area so they’re not sure how this works.

After hours of random searching they finally find a pretty stunning blonde. So the one guy says to his friend that he’ll catch up with him tomorrow so he can leave his friend to do the deed with the hooker.

The next day, his friend wants to hear the details. He tells him, “She charged me $300 for the night. $150 for a blowjob and $150 for ...”

His friend interrupts, “What? That’s an expensive blowjob. And $150 for the pussy?”

The guy says, “well, turns out it was actually a dude so no pussy. I was horny as hell, so $150 for anal.”

His friend says, “Wow, was it worth it?”

He responds, “Yeah. It was great. My asshole still
hurts a lot but completely worth it. “

I rushed to the hospital this morning.
The doctor said, "Your wife has been in an accident, and she's got an eight inch wide gash."
I said, "I know doc, but has she suffered any injuries?"

Welsh guy persuades his girfriend to try anal for the 1st time.
He says "If it hurts too much yell the safety word & I'll stop."
She says "OK, what's the safety word?"

The doctors say I suffer from insanity, but they have it all wrong.
I enjoy every minute of it.

My Doctor: "Have any members of your family suffered from insanity?"
Me: " No, we all seem to enjoy it"

- What is the difference between being a vegan and suffering from the novel coronavirus?
- In the case of COVID-19, the loss of sense of taste is only temporary.

I haven't been right since my wife hit me on the head with a tambourine.
I think I'm suffering from percussion.

- Why did Levi Strauss suffer from chronic diarrhea?
- It runs in his jeans.

Back in the 1980s, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee.
I'm telling you this now because there was no social media back then.

I used to suffer from soap addiction but I am clean now.

What's the difference between a big cat and a little cat?
Answer: A big cat can scratch hell out of you, But a little pussy never hurt anybody!

After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action. He flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happened." So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily. Meanwhile back on the bed, Wonder Woman asked, "Did you hear something?" "No!" said the Invisible Man, "But my ass sure hurts like hell!"

You're getting old when almost everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

What’s the best time to go to the dentist?
(Tooth hurty)

I was relieved that the nurse didn't hurt me whilst taking my blood.
It was a jab well done.

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up."
~ Jim Morrison

Everytime my bike hurts me, I punch it right back. It’s a vicious cycle.

Last Christmas Eve, Santa got stuck in my chimney. Getting stuck is bad enough, but he also suffers from Claus-trophobia...

Welsh guy persuades his girfriend to try anal for the 1st time.
He says "If it hurts too much yell the safety word & I'll stop."
She says "OK, what's the safety word?"

Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?

The Women's Dictionary
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. Incidentally, never use the word "fine" to describe how she looks.
2. Five minutes
These words actually mean half an hour. It is the equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so women feel that it's an even trade.
3. Nothing
The word "nothing" means something and you should be on your guard immediately on hearing it uttered. It is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" is signal for an argument that will last "five minutes" and end with the word "fine".
4. Go Ahead (Raised eyebrow)
Said in conjunction with raised eyebrows, it actually means the opposite. The words "go ahead" are not permission to do something; on the contrary it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "fine."
5. Go Ahead (Normal eyebrow)
Said in conjunction with normal eyebrows, it should not be confused with the granting of permission either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". It is normally precedes by a few seconds a raised eyebrow and the words "go ahead", followed by "nothing" and "fine". She will speak to you again in about "five minutes" when she cools off.
6. Loud Sigh
This is not actually a word, but it is an important form of communication between a man and woman. It is also very frequently misunderstood by men. A "loud sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "nothing"!
7. Soft Sigh
Again, not a word, but a statement. "Soft sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.
8. Oh
This word - followed by any statement - heralds big trouble. For example, "Oh, I spoke to him about what you were up to last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, just run - do not walk. She will tell you that she is "fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.
9. That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's okay" is often used in conjunction with the word "fine" and a raised eye browed "Go ahead". Don't be fooled, once she has had time to plan
it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.
10. Please Do
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's okay."
11. Thanks
The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome".
12. Thanks A Lot
Thanks a lot" is dramatically different from "thanks". A woman will say "thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "loud sigh". This signifies that you have hurt her in some way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "loud sigh," as she will only tell you "nothing".

I hurt my back in Egypt once .. needed a Cairo-practer. )

After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts." 😊

"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket."
"I'm sure it's not semen," she said "It's probably yoghurt."
"It's definitely semen," I said "I don't ejaculate yoghurt." 🤪

A fortune teller told me I'd suffer awful heart break in 12 years. To cheer myself up I bought a puppy. 🐶

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”

Patient: “OK.”

Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

T-Rex hurt his knee.
He has a Dino Sore.

Patient: Doctor, my eye hurts whenever I have my morning coffee!
Doctor: Take the teaspoon out of the cup before you drink your coffee. ☕🥄

If you've unknowingly shared the same meme more than once, you may be suffering from meme-ory loss. 😱

More hurt and suffering quotes and jokes on the following pages...