Hilarious quotes and jokes about HURT and SUFFERING that will make your day !

Random hurt joke:

You're getting old when almost everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

Weird Jokes

Selected suffering jokes:

I haven't been right since my wife hit me on the head with a tambourine.
I think I'm suffering from percussion.

If you punch yourself and it hurts, does that mean you're weak or strong?

A psychiatrist once told me I suffer from delusions of grandeur...
I figured he must say that about everyone who is awesome and kicks ass.

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of “RINGS” : The Engagement Ring The Wedding Ring The Suffering The Enduring.

More suffering jokes...

If you’re stabbed in a dark alley, sing a Smash Mouth song. You’ll still die, but the attacker will also suffer.

I don't delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.

"The root of all suffering is attachment."
- Buddha

"A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears."
- Montaigne

The last thing I want to do is hurt you; but it’s still on the list.

You know what I hate about voicemail messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, “We aren’t in, leave a message.” That’s why I’ve decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me.

Barney’s wife made him watch a bunch of movies from the early 1900’s that he didn’t like. He had to suffer in silents

Went to the dentist today, 3 teeth gone and there was blood everywhere...Mind you, he hurt me so he was asking for it.

If it hurts you more then it hurts them....
Your probably holding the taser wrong....

"All suffering originates from craving, from attachment, from desire."
• Edgar Allan Poe

Happened upon a guy hitting himself in the head with a hammer.

"Doesn't it hurt?" I asked.

"Yeah," he admitted. "But it feels so GOOD when I stop."

I just burnt my tongue on my food.
It made me realize that it’s the ones we love that hurt us the most.

It hurts me to say this, but...
I have a sore throat.

There's nothing more hurtful than a cat immediately washing the spot where you just pet it.

If you punch yourself and it hurts, does that mean you're weak or strong?

If you punch yourself and it hurts, does that mean you're weak or strong?

My back don’t start hurting until I put on my work clothes

Wisdom comes only through suffering.

First, the Engagement Ring, the Wedding Ring and then the Suffering.

Ironically, of all the phobias that people suffer from, the fear of heights is right near the top.

A man goes to his doctor and tells him he’s suffering from a long list of illnesses.
‘The trouble with you,’ says the doctor. ‘Is that you’re a hypochondriac.’
‘Oh no,’ says the man. ‘Don’t tell me I’ve got that as well.’

What medicine do you take when your butt hurts ?
ANSWER: assprin.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were
going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough….once she killed
I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought…Sod it….soldier on

A man is driving with his wife and small child. A militia man pulls them over and makes the man take a breathalyzer test. “See,” the militia man says, “you are drunk.” The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the cop to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Exasperated, the man invites the cop to test his child. When the child registers drunk as well, the cop shrugs, says, “Yes, perhaps it is broken,” and sends them on their way. Out of earshot the man tells his wife, “See, I told you it wouldn’t hurt to give the kid a couple shots of vodka.”

The regional KGB headquarters in Arkhangelsk suffered a major fire and was almost completely destroyed. Shortly after, a man called looking for help.

“I’m sorry, we can’t do anything,” said the receptionist. “The KGB has burnt down.”

Five minutes later, the receptionist received another call. “I’m sorry, we can’t help. The KGB has burnt down.”

Another five minutes passed, and the phone rang again. The receptionist recognised the voice as the man who’d twice called previously.

“Why do you keep calling? I told you that the KGB has burnt down.”

“I know. I just like hearing it.”

When a plant is hurt do you think the other's photosympathize with it?

A router goes to see the doctor, and the doctor asks, "What seems to be the problem?"

The router replies "It hurts when IP".

A girl takes a dress into the dry cleaners and asks for it to be cleaned.
The man, who is a little deaf, says, "Come again?"
The girl blushes and replies, "No, it's yoghurt this time."

It hurts me to say this...
But, I have a sore throat.

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn...

If you hurt my best friend, I can make your death look like an accident.

“I am a fool with a heart but no brains, and you are a fool with brains but no heart; and we’re both unhappy, and we both suffer.”

—Fyodor Dostoevsky

“Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into a better shape.”
~Charles Dickens

Never say a lion is lyin; you could hurt his pride.

"There is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for."
~ Paulo Coelho

Did you hear about the website for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?

It's a site for sore eyes.

What did bacon suffer from before it was cured ?

Happy New Year!

(I know it's early, but I suffer from premature congratulation)

Short Christmas Jokes

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It's Christmas, Eve !

How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve !

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ?
The letter "D" !

What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !

What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ?
Black mail !

Who delievers cat's Christmas presents ?
Santa Paws !

Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ?
Because it soots him !

Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents?
Elephanta Claus !

How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ?
Stacks !

Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve ?
Because he's Sooty !

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea. . Does that mean that one enjoys it?

Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.

I've launched a new yoghurt range specifically aimed at people who are lazy..

It's called Inactivia.

I've been suffering lately from hallucinations. I saw a doctor... there was no doctor.

A factory worker died today after falling into a vat of coffee. Police say that although it came as a shock to all who knew him, they may take some relief from the fact he didn’t suffer.
It was instant.

I went to see a plastic surgeon and he gave me a huge dick...

My arse still hurts but I've never looked younger!

I heard all the hair stylists are suffering from depression due to unemployment.
They just want to like, dye.

I've suffered with Amnesia for as long as I can remember.

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of “RINGS” : The Engagement Ring The Wedding Ring The Suffering The Enduring.

Jane was one of those UGLY women, so ugly it hurts. She never had a boyfriend so she went to a Psychic for help.
"Honey," said the Psychic. "You will not have luck in love in this life. But, at the reincarnation, you will be a very desired woman and all men will fall at your feet."
Jane left very happy and so excited, as she went over a bridge she thought, "The sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins."
She decided to jump off the bridge right away. But, incredibly Jane didn't die!
She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas, she lost her senses and fainted. As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very well, and not knowing where she was, she started touching her surroundings, feeling all the bananas she mumbled with a huge smile on her face, "Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Please! One at a time!"

Marriage is an institution of three rings. Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

More hurt and suffering quotes and jokes on the following pages...

SEE also - WiseWords Unbound - The Paradoxical Path to Enlightenment:

Brace yourself for a rollercoaster ride of wit, wisdom, and the occasional facepalm-inducing pun. Get ready to laugh, learn, and question the meaning of life, all in one hilarious package!