Husband and Wife Jokes: Marriage Humor to Share with Your Spouse.

Wife says I'm going blind. Don't see it myself.

A man is throwing knives on wife's photo... and kept missing the target!
Suddenly his phone ring and his wife says; “Hi, what are you doing?"
"Missing you," was his honest reply.

Is my wife dissatisfied with my body?
A tiny part of me says yes.

My mate had some shocking news. His wife has left him for a jigsaw designer...

He's in absolute pieces!

My wife's worried that the suspicious mole on my back could be cancer.
I don't care what star sign it is.

A man knocked on my door this morning and said, "Could you spare 5 minutes to do an opinion poll?"

I replied, "Sorry mate, my opinion isn't in at the moment, she has gone shopping!"

Did you hear about the plumber who got divorced.
He said to his wife
Its Over flo.

Paddy was asked how he managed to get along so well with his wife.

"I always tell her the truth, even if I have to lie a little."

My wife is threatening to leave me due to my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.

More on this after the break.

Him - "Darling, if I lost all my money, the Rolls and the houses, would you still love me?"
Her - "Of course I would my love, but I would miss you".

My wife is saying she’ll divorce me because of my obsession with television dramas.

But will she leave me?

Find out next week...

My wife is leaving me because she thinks I'm too old fashioned!

I'll wager a sixpence she's courting another chap.

Trying to be a good husband. Can anyone tell me, if my wife asks me to bring her the broom, is it controlling and over possessive to ask where she is going?

When driving yesterday, I heard an annoying noise coming from the car.
When I stopped, my wife got out to check the engine, so I drove off.

Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.

Went into the kitchen this morning, the wife was face-down and not breathing. I panicked and didn't know what to do...

Then I remembered that McDonald's do breakfast until 10.30!

I received a weird phone call earlier from a shady character who demanded: "Ten grand in used notes, or you’ll never see your missus again!” Both of these options were quite tempting, but in the end, I decided to take the cash...

A woman is in court for stealing a tin of peaches.
The judge asked her "how many peaches were there in the tin that you stole"?
She replied "four, your honour".
The judge said I am going to send you to prison for four month's for every peach, take her down.
Then her husband in the public gallery shouted "Your honour, I'd also like to add, she stole a tin of peas too!!"

A woman hangs up after about a half-hour on the phone.
Her husband is surprised: "Wow, that was quick love- usually you are at it for two hours at least!"
Wife replies: "Yeah, well, it was a wrong number."

The cost of living has now become so bad that the wife is having sex with me because she can't afford the batteries!

My wife says I'm childish and wants to leave me. I said just 5 more minutes on the swings and we'd go home together.

My wife thinks I'm an intellect without any social awareness. How she words it "You're an asshole"

I told the wife we should name the third kid 'crowd'.
She didn't get it.

I played scrabble with my wife last night.
It's the only way I can get a word in.

Don't kiss your hunny when your nose is runny, you may think it's funny but it's snot.

My New Years Resolution is To have a lot more Sex.
Haven't told the Wife though, don't want her Spoiling It.

My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she's hot, but honestly... I'm not a fan.

Wife: "You hate my relatives!"

Husband: "No, I don’t!, in fact, I like your mother-in-law more than I like mine." ☺️

My mate told me he's thinking about leaving his wife because she hasn't talked to him for the last 2 months.

I replied, "Don't be too fucking hasty. Women like that are hard to find!"

Before I got married I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put milk back in the fridge!

My wife and I share a sense of humour.
We have to because she hasn’t got one.

Wife: why is that bottle of whiskey you bought today already half empty??

Me: Because you're a PESSIMIST.

Last night, my wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl.
I said, “I didn't know he could.”

If a wife is laughing at her husband's jokes, it means they have guests.

My Wife is carrying our first Child

So I said to her “He is 16 years old, let him walk!”

My wife is going sky diving and I'm truly terrified because last time something that big hit the ground the dinosaurs died.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Officer: Age?

Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays.

Officer: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER : Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

OFFICER : Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think.

OFFICER : Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.

OFFICER : What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

OFFICER : What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

OFFICER : What kind of truck was it?

Husband : A 2017, manufactured September 16th, pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 .with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera,
Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch,
sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires.
It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.

OFFICER : Take it easy sir, We'll find your truck.

For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus. It's the little things that count.

My wife has always been useless at diy , but the other day she managed to change a bulb ,
I now see her in a different Light.

I bought my wife a vacuum cleaner.. but it sucks.

When I left home to go on a business trip, my wife said, "Don't forget to write."

I thought, "That's unlikely. It's a basic skill afterall!"

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

I took my wife to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a Exhaust Pipe..
She was Fuming..

My wife has left me because of my obsession with Battleships.
It’s never happened B4.

My wife and I had a big argument last night.
She called me gullible and financially irresponsible!

Wait until she hears I've won the Nigerian lottery...

My wife and kids are leaving me because of my horse racing addiction. And they're off....

My wife might have covid. One of the symptoms is loss of taste and I caught her wearing socks with flipflops.

My wife completed an intense, 40 week body building program earlier today.

It's a girl!!! She weighs 9lbs 12 oz.

A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"

His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."

He asks, "Who's is it?"

His wife replies, "Yours!"

My wife has left me because she says I treat her like one of my pets.

She’ll be back when she’s hungry.

I've bought my wife an alarm clock which uses swear words instead of a bell.

She's in for a rude awakening...

I met my wife at a speed dating event.

She said, "what the hell are you doing here?"

I met my wife at a bus stop.

We got on immediately.

My wife says I’m the cheapest man in the world...
I’m not buying it...

Whenever my wife uses the phrase "I was thinking."

That means I either have to move, build, paint, or buy something.

My wife wants me to be more sensitive. So I got her abacus beads for her birthday.
She said, “What the hell are these?”
I said, “It’s the little things that count.”

So, I booked a table for our anniversary.
It was only on the way there that my wife said that she didn’t like snooker!

I rarely speak to the wife these days.

I'm just not quick enough to interrupt.

Drinking at home isn't working out.. Last night I asked my wife for her phone number.

If a doctors wife eats an apple a day is that grounds for a divorce?

My wife and I share a sense of humour.

We have to because she doesn't have one.

My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

I told my husband I wanted to be cremated. He's made me an appointment for next Tuesday.

My wife said she'd like some peace and quiet while she cooks dinner..

So I've taken the batteries out of the smoke alarm. 🙄

If you wife says she is getting stressed over her weight... Whatever you do don't tell her to Lighten up.

My wife does bird imitations.

She watches me like a hawk.

My husband claims I try to make everything into a 'quiz'.......... Is that:
a) Weird
b) Annoying
c) Unfair

I asked my husband to drop his trousers at the dry cleaners. Apparently he got a nice round of applause but I've banned him from going again.

A new study claims that one in every three people is unfaithful.
I just need to figure out is it my husband or my boyfriend ? 🤔

My husband always takes the elevator, whereas I always prefer the stairs.

I guess we are raised differently.

Never date a man who can't respect your husband.
Never date a woman who can't respect your wife.

My wife's miffed. Someone stole her pants off the line. She's not bothered about the pants, she just wants her 12 pegs back.

I'm suing my wife. She won't let me get tattoos of grizzlies on each of my biceps. She's infringing on my right to bear arms.

My wife wanted me to have beard

I wasn't keen on the idea but it's starting to grow on me.

My wife said, “You really have no sense of direction, do you?”

I said, “Where did that come from?”

Wife busy packing clothes
Hubby : Where are you going
Wife : To my mother

Hubby also starts packing
Wife : And where do you think you are going
Hubby : Am also going to my mother
Wife : What about the kids
Hubby - Since you are going to your mother and am also going to my mother , the kids should also go to their mother.

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."
Man replied: "Naah.. She just arrived in the restaurant..!"

My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday.
That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was her birthday!

Me and my husband decided to make our own sex tape. I was a bit miffed when he started holding auditions for my part.

My wife’s just said she can’t take any more of my laziness.
As soon as my mum comes round to pack my bags, I’m leaving.