Hilarious quotes and jokes about LIFE that will make your day !

Life and beer are very similar .....chill for best results.

Your love life is like Sudoku. Very complicated, with no hope of solving it.

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a general check-up.
The doctor was shocked to see his health and asked him:
'What is the secret of your good health ....?'
The old man answered:
— 'I get up before the sun rises and go out for cycling and then come and drink two glasses of wine!
Maybe this is the secret of my health. '
Doctor:
— 'Okay, but can I ask you how old was your father when he died ...?'
— 'My father died ...?
Who told you that he died???’
Doctor (surprised): —'You mean that you are 80 years old and your father is still alive ...? So how old is he now ....? '
— 'He is 102 years old and cycled with me this morning and then took two glasses of wine'
Doctor:
—‘This is very good. This means that the long life is in your family's genes.
So how old was your grandfather when he died….?’
—‘Hey why are you killing my grandfather now ...?'
Doctor (puzzled):
—'You mean that you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still alive very much!
What is his age .....? '
— 'Yes, he is 123 years old.'
—‘I think he too must have cycled with you this morning and taken wine too .....?'
Take a cold breath! —‘No, Grandpa could not go this morning,
because He is getting married today.’
Doctor (on the verge of going mad):
—‘What do you mean marriage .....? Why would he want to get married at the age of 123…?’
— 'Who said he wanted to get married ....? He had to be forced.’
— 'But why ........’ shouted the Doctor!!
— 'Girl is pregnant, that's why!'
The doctor has been cycling regularly and drinking wine ever since......
The clinic is closed.

Miss Piggy is the beneficiary of Kermit's life insurance policy. She just has to wait until he croaks.

Two men are sitting next to each other on a bus.
They both have a black eye.
One man asks “how’d you get get yours?”
“Oh man, I've never been more embarrassed. I went to order two bus tickets to Pittsburgh and the ticket lady had the biggest boobs i've ever seen! I tried to say "Can i please have two tickets to Pittsburgh," but I was so nervous I accidentally said 'Can I please have two Pickets to Tittsburgh?"
How’d you get your shiner?”
The other replies, “ Funny story, just this morning I meant to say to my wife "Honey, please pass the salt" But what came out was "You ruined my life you fat evil bitch!"

How is life like a penis?
Your girlfriend makes it hard.

Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.