Men vs. Women Jokes - Witty Tales of the Battle of the Sexes.

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

A man walks into a clock shop and flops his dick out onto the counter. The woman behind the counter yells, “What the hell are you doing?!” He says, “This a clock shop isn’t it?” She says, “Yes.” So he says, “Well I want two hands and a face on this.”

A couple are on a date at a fancy restaurant. The woman tells the man to say something to her that will get her heart racing. He replies, “I forgot my wallet.”

What is the definition of Making Love?
That's what a woman is doing while the man is FUCKING her.

Once, in the fifteenth Century B.C., there lived a pharaoh.

And that pharaoh once got a sexually transmitted disease.

All the best medics in Egypt tried to cure him, but all have failed. One day, an old man told him that in one oasis to the west, there was an old sect of priests who knew many secrets of medicine.

Quickly, the pharaoh ordered his men to go there and bring him sages from that sect. For weeks he waited, until finally, the priests stood before him.

The priests examined him and said that there was only one thing that could cure him. He must have sexual relations with a 72-year-old virgin.

The pharaoh was desperate enough to try. For weeks he suffered as his men scoured Egypt for a 72-year-old virgin.

Finally, they found one. And they brought her to the pharaoh. And he slept with her.

And, just like that, his disease was gone.

All of them: the woman, the priests, the old man, were generously rewarded with gold.

2100 years the story was distorted and became 72 virgins in paradise.

A man doesn’t care about a woman’s money as long as she’s loyal.

A woman doesn’t care about a man’s loyalty as long as he’s rich.

The man who treats his woman as a queen is deserved to live as a king.

A man and a woman were traveling in a train.Woman : Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. Man: ... Are you single?

Woman: No. I'm a dentist.

The sight of a woman's cleavage reduces a man's ability to think clearly by 50 %

Per boob.

Why did God make man before He made woman?

Because He didn’t want any advice on how to do it.

When a man and a woman have simultaneous oral sex, we call it 69. What do we call it if it is two men in a similar position?
Eleven.

What is it called when a man feels bad for squirting on a woman?
Cumpassion.

When a man says he'll do anything for a woman, he means fight bad guys and kill dragons, not vacuum or wash dishes.

Wonder Woman broke up with the Invisible Man. She made it perfectly clear she never wanted to see him again!

A man's loyalty is tested when he has everything. A woman's loyalty is tested when her man has nothing.

I was a man stuck in a woman's body.
Then I was born.

Invisible man seeks transparent woman to do things never seen before...

Ladies get yourself a man with no teeth he will never smile at another woman.

Every woman's dream is that a man will take her in his arms, throw her into bed... and clean the whole house while she sleeps.

Woman: whisky barman

Barman: how many fingers?

Woman: let me have a few drinks first..

FUN Fact:
A man is more likely to get a woman’s phone number if he is accompanied by a dog.

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.

SECRET TIP FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE: If you want to be happy with a man, love him less and understand him more. But if you want to be happy with a woman, love her more and never try to understand her!

Confucius say, woman who sink in man's arms, soon have arms in man's sink.

Confucius say, man who pull woman's bra strap, may get bust in face.

Confucius say, man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth.

Confucius say, woman who go to man's apartment for snack, get titbit.

Confucius say, man who fishes in another woman's well, often catches crab.

Confucius say, man with tool in woman's mouth not necessarily dentist.

A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch.
A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half- century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch erection, and he was carrying ear plugs and a pair of nose plugs. Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?" The old man replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming... and the smell of burning rubber!"

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Behind every successful man there is a woman!
Need more success?
Increase the number of women!

A man goes to a strip club with an alligator. He says, "I bet you that I can put my dick into this alligator's mouth for 1 minute, and when I take it out, it will not be damaged. If I succeed, all of you will buy me drinks. If I fail, I will buy all of you drinks." The other men agree and he puts his dick into the alligator's mouth for 1 minute. After 1 minute, he hits the alligator on the head with a beer bottle, and he opens his mouth. To everyone's surprise, his dick is unharmed. "Now, before you buy me drinks, does anybody else want to try?" After a while, someone in the back finally raises their hand. It's a woman. "I guess I can try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle."

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair… Kill her!!”
The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. “This gun is loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to kill him with the chair!”

How does a woman know her man is cheating on her?
He starts bathing twice a week.

WOMAN'S MIND is cleaner than a man’s because she changes her mind more often!

'Nothing is necessary for a young man as much as the company of an intelligent woman.'
— Leo Tolstoy

Behind every great man is a woman, and behind her his wife trying to find out where he was the whole afternoon!

An intelligent woman is a woman with whom a man can be as stupid as he wants!

My mother used to say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman. Useless surgeon.

Be careful in Hereford swimming baths! They now have a chemical in the water that turns red if a man pees in the baths and blue if a woman pees in there. Me and the miss's were mistaken for the red arrows last night.

A elderly woman and an elderly man were at a retirement home The man was shuffling a deck of cards for a card game The man asks "Is it your first time?" The woman replies “It’s been a while since a man has asked me that.”

Would a female mannequin be a womannequin?

A man and a woman are making love in some very dark woods.
The man says, "I wish I had a torch."
The woman replies, "so do I - you've been licking the grass for the last fucking 10 minutes."

Two Jewish women were sitting under hair dryers at the hairdresser. The first lady says, "So nu, how's your family?"

The second one responds, "Oh just fine. My daughter is married to the most wonderful man. She never has to cook; he always takes her out. She never has to clean; he got her a housekeeper. She never has to work; he's got such a good job. She never has to worry about the children, he got her a nanny."

She continues with a question to the first lady, "So how is your son these days?"

The first woman says, "Just awful. He is married to such a witch of a woman. She makes him take her out to dinner every night, she never cooks a dish. She made him get her a housekeeper, G-d forbid she should vacuum a carpet! He has to work like a dog because she won't get a job and she never takes care of their children, because she made him get her a nanny!"

At the funeral of the richest man in town, a stranger saw a woman crying very loudly. The stranger said, “Are you a relative of the deceased?”
“No.”
“Then why are you crying?”
“That’s why!”

A woman on a train walked up to a man across the table. “Excuse me,” she said, “but are you Jewish?”
“No,” replied the man.
A few minutes later the woman returned. “Excuse me,” she said again, “are you sure you’re not Jewish?”
“I’m sure,” said the man.
But the woman was not convinced, and a few minutes later she approached him a third time. “Are you absolutely sure you’re not Jewish?” she asked.
“All right, all right,” the man said. “You win. I’m Jewish.”
“That’s funny,” said the woman.” You don’t look Jewish.”

A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Sheldon! - All he wants is anal sex and my asshole is now the size of a 50 pence piece when it used to be the size of a 5 pence piece."
Mother says "You're married to a multi-millionaire business man, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get £2000 a week allowance, you take 6 holidays a year and you want to throw all that away for 45 pence ???!!"

Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.

“To the intelligent man or woman, life appears infinitely mysterious. But the stupid have an answer for every question.”
—Edward Abbey

A couple is walking in St.Petersburg on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.
“I think it’s raining,” says the man.
“No, it’s snowing,” says the woman.
“How about we ask this communist officer? He is always right. Is it raining or snowing, Officer Rudolph?”
“Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph says before walking off.
The man turns to his wife,
“See, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear.”