Hilarious quotes and jokes about WISDOM that will make your day !

Either you make things happen or you watch someone else make things happen.

Choose wisely.

“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he is too old to go anywhere.”
— Billy Crystal

Long's Notes:

Always store beer in a dark place.
Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it.
If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion.
It has long been known that one horse can run faster than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial.
A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.
Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
A generation which ignores history has no past -- and no future.
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
History does not record anywhere at any time a religion that has any rational basis. Religion is a crutch for people not strong enough to stand up to the unknown without help. But, like dandruff, most people do have a religion and spend time and money on it and seem to derive considerable pleasure from fiddling with it.
It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
Of all the strange "crimes" that human beings have legislated out of nothing, "blasphemy" is the most amazing -- with "obscenity" and "indecent exposure" fighting it out for second and third place.
It's better to copulate than never.
Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks.
It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
Never appeal to a man's "better nature". He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
Avoid making irrevocable decisions while tired or hungry.
An elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.
A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes. This may be the purpose of the universe.
Stupidity cannot be cured with money, or through education, or by legislation. Stupidity is not a sin; the victim can't help being stupid. But stupidity is the only universal capital crime; the sentence is death, there is no appeal, and execution is carried out automatically and without pity.
God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent. It says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks, please. Cash and in small bills.
Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she is not.
In a family argument, if it turns out you are right, apologize at once.
To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
Does history record any case in which the majority was right?
Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
Expertise in one field does not carry over into other fields. But experts often think so. The narrower their field of knowledge the more likely they are to think so.
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmills.
Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it's none of my business, but . . . " is to place a period after the word "but". Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about.
A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being "frank".
Natural laws have no pity.
You can go wrong by being too skeptical as readily as by being too trusting.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Climate is what we expect; weather is what we get.
Pessimist by policy, optimist by temperament -- it is possible to be both. How? By never taking an unnecessary chance and by minimizing risks you can't avoid. This permits you to play out the game happily, untroubled by the certainty of the outcome.
"I came, I saw, SHE conquered." (The original Latin seems to have been garbled.)
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
Don't try to have the last word. You might get it.

A boy is struggling with his exams...
He catches a lucky break when, as he is walking home one day, he finds a mystical lamp on the side of the road. He rubs the side of the lamp and a genie pops out.
"You may have any item you desire, simply name it." The genie says.
The boy thinks for a second then exclaims,
"I'd like some kind of concealable item that will grant me infinite wisdom."
"As you wish, press the top of this pen and what you desire shall be yours."
The boy takes the pen and is overjoyed, with this pen he'll never have to study again!

His next exam comes around and he walks into the school hall with confidence. He sits at his desk as others around him fidget nervously.

When the papers are handed out, he holds the pen up and triumphantly lowers his thumb over the lever as it produces an audible click.

And in his infinite wisdom he suddenly states with absolute clarity:
*"I should have studied!!!"*

Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.
Jimi Hendrix

Wisdom consists of the anticipation of consequences.
Norman Cousins

Wisdom comes only through suffering.
Aeschylus

Wisdom is the daughter of experience.
Leonardo Da Vinci

The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.
Socrates

An intelligent man believes only half of what he hears, a wise man knows which half.
Evan Esar

"For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow."
—Ecclesiastes, 1:18, The Bible

It is a wise man who lives with money in the bank, it is a fool who dies that way.
French Proverb.

“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he is too old to go anywhere.”
— Billy Crystal

Wife: Darling, we should get married again on our 25th anniversary.
Man: Yeah, and this time let’s choose our partners wisely!!!

‘The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.’
- Isaac Asimov

Some people are wise, Some are otherwise.

"You can never be wise and be in love at the same time."
--- Bob Dylan

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man. 'This young man agreed to marry my daughter,' said one. 'No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,' said the other. And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence. 'Bring me my biggest sword,' said Solomon, 'and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half.' 'Sounds good to me,' said the first lady. But the other woman said, 'Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him.' The wise king did not hesitate a moment. 'This man must marry the first lady's daughter,' he proclaimed. 'But she was willing to hew him in two!' exclaimed the king's court. 'Indeed,' said wise King Solomon. 'That shows she is the true mother-in-law.'

Too Much Sex;

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.

One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired.”;
His buddy says: “Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about 70 years of age, sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and

with the wisdom of years says:
"Marry her That'll put a stop to that shit."

A boy is struggling with his exams...
He catches a lucky break when, as he is walking home one day, he finds a mystical lamp on the side of the road. He rubs the side of the lamp and a genie pops out.
"You may have any item you desire, simply name it." The genie says.
The boy thinks for a second then exclaims,
"I'd like some kind of concealable item that will grant me infinite wisdom."
"As you wish, press the top of this pen and what you desire shall be yours."
The boy takes the pen and is overjoyed, with this pen he'll never have to study again!

His next exam comes around and he walks into the school hall with confidence. He sits at his desk as others around him fidget nervously.

When the papers are handed out, he holds the pen up and triumphantly lowers his thumb over the lever as it produces an audible click.

And in his infinite wisdom he suddenly states with absolute clarity:
*"I should have studied!!!"*

To attain knowledge, add things every day. To attain wisdom, remove things every day.
Lao Tzu

Wisdom is not a product of schooling but of the lifelong attempt to acquire it.
Albert Einstein

Actions speak louder than words.

Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.
He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.

The entire fence was covered in lights! Fence post after fence post, crossbeam after crossbeam, the most dazzling, amazing collection of lights they'd ever seen! The driver immediately called his friends and family and told them to get out to the old country road and within hours, the traffic was backed up for a mile.

At the end of the display, he had a couple of farmhands waiting with donation buckets and sure enough, he raked in several hundred dollars that night. This went on for weeks only getting more and more popular and even despite the high electricity bill, he turned quite a profit on the display.

And so it went for the next few years. His light displays got more and more elaborate. They synced to music. They twinkled in time to the passing cars. There were LEDs and lasers, inflatable reindeer and glowing manger scenes, and everything in between. He started to notice, however, that the number of cars began to dwindle each night.

Whereas folks used to come from counties around to see the fence, the numbers grew smaller and smaller each night. At the end of the season, he'd seen maybe a tenth of the cars.

The months passed and November crept up again. The farmer headed down to the feed and hardware shop to gather a few necessary supplies for the display and couldn't help but overhear a couple of the customers talking.

"Yeah, it just ain't what it used to be. I mean, don't get me wrong, it were pretty and all when he got it started, but something 'bout it nowadays just ain't fresh."

"I know. I wish he'd do something different. Something original. Everybody's got them Christmas lights now."

This incensed the farmer. He spent hundreds of hours every season making something amazing for the world to see and they were treating it like so much manure from his barn. He would show them.

He raced back to his farm and he ripped out every single light from post after post. He tore out the inflatable Santa and knocked down the wise men. And when he was done, he meticulously strung the exact same red and green lights on every square foot of that fence. "I'll show them. They think they can take me foregranted, we'll see how they like this boring mess."

The first night of the display, the visitors (small in number as they may have been), were astonished. Their phones lit up with dials to their friends and neighbors. Soon enough, the line of cars stretched back miles and miles, longer than it ever had in the heyday of the display.

The farmer shook his head while his farmhands stood agape at the traffic. "I don't believe it! How could this be so popular?" the lead farmhand asked the farmer.

"It's simple. Everybody says they want to see something original but what really gets them going is the same old post over and over again."

A man walks into a bar after a long day and proceeds to drink. Meanwhile he gets friendly with this well dressed chap near him.
After some beers this new friend says " Dude do you know that if you drink whiskey here you can fly temporarily ?"
"What ? That's absurd !! Ok prove it to me right now !!" says the man, wisely.
The well dressed guy removed his coat, and then proceeds to jump out the window. He does a somersault and some tricks and comes back in safely.
"Your turn " he says.
The man, who now has complete faith in the dude proceeds to take a shot of whiskey and jumped out through the window. He fell and broke most of his bones.
As he was being taken away in the ambulance, the bartender comes up to him and says " Damn... Superman can be real mean when he is drunk !!"

The only cow in a small Iowa town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Wisconsin for $200. They bought the cow from Wisconsin and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side, she walks away to the other side." The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wisconsin?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Wisconsin."