Hilarious quotes and jokes about LIFE that will make your day !

Someone: describe your sex life in two words.

Me: my what?

If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water gun and shoot other people in the eyes.

Knight's Law: Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans.

The greatest mistake you can make in life is continually fearing that you'll make one.- Elbert Hubbard

Two men are sitting next to each other on a bus.
They both have a black eye.
One man asks “how’d you get get yours?”
“Oh man, I've never been more embarrassed. I went to order two bus tickets to Pittsburgh and the ticket lady had the biggest boobs i've ever seen! I tried to say "Can i please have two tickets to Pittsburgh," but I was so nervous I accidentally said 'Can I please have two Pickets to Tittsburgh?"
How’d you get your shiner?”
The other replies, “ Funny story, just this morning I meant to say to my wife "Honey, please pass the salt" But what came out was "You ruined my life you fat evil bitch!"

How is life like a penis?
Your girlfriend makes it hard.

Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.