Hilarious quotes and jokes about LIFE that will make your day !

Q: What do protons and life coaches have in common?
A: They know how to stay positive.

Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.

Dhawan's Laws for the Non-Smoker:

The cigarette smoke always drifts in the direction of the non-smoker regardless of the direction of the breeze.
The amount of pleasure derived from a cigarette is directly proportional to the number of non-smokers in the vicinity.
A smoker is always attracted to the non-smoking section.
The life of a cigarette is directly proportional to the intensity of the protests from non-smokers.

Nothing tells your friends you've made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.

Two men are sitting next to each other on a bus.
They both have a black eye.
One man asks “how’d you get get yours?”
“Oh man, I've never been more embarrassed. I went to order two bus tickets to Pittsburgh and the ticket lady had the biggest boobs i've ever seen! I tried to say "Can i please have two tickets to Pittsburgh," but I was so nervous I accidentally said 'Can I please have two Pickets to Tittsburgh?"
How’d you get your shiner?”
The other replies, “ Funny story, just this morning I meant to say to my wife "Honey, please pass the salt" But what came out was "You ruined my life you fat evil bitch!"

How is life like a penis?
Your girlfriend makes it hard.

Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.