Men vs. Women Jokes - Witty Tales of the Battle of the Sexes.

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself." 😎

A man was standing in a hotel elevator when his elbow brushed over a woman's breast. Apologetically, he said "If your heart is as soft as your breasts you'll forgive me".
The lady said, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room number 304".

A man driving a car hits a woman. 🚗
Whose fault is it?
The man's.
Why was he driving in the kitchen?

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight.

They start eyeing each other, and both realize they want to do the same thing.

He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.
Rear toilet? He suggests.
Five minutes, she agrees and goes off.
He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her.

Right, get that condom on, she says.
Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.
But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realized what
they are up to, So, she humiliates them by making an announcement
over the PA system.
"To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.

Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the
smoke detector."

A man walks into a clock shop and flops his dick out onto the counter. The woman behind the counter yells, “What the hell are you doing?!” He says, “This a clock shop isn’t it?” She says, “Yes.” So he says, “Well I want two hands and a face on this.”

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree." "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true father?" "Yes it is, sister." "Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and lets get the hell out of here."

An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?'' The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

“The woman sells her body because the man has sold his soul. You can apprehend one, but the other, the true culprit, escapes altogether because he is anonymous and legion."
~ Abdul Hadi (Ivan Agueli, the teacher of René Guénon)

"Men always want to be a woman's first love. That is their clumsy vanity. We women have a more subtle instinct about things. What we like is to be a man's last romance. "

By Oscar Wilde, A Woman of No Importance

An Older Man had met a Younger Woman, but unfortunately he was unable to last very long before he would Orgasm during Sex.

A caring Man, he was concerned that he was disappointing his New Lover, so he called his Doctor for advice...???

The Doc told him that masturbating before Sex, often helped Men last longer during the Act. The Man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it..??

He couldn't do it in his Office. He thought about the Toilets or Restroom, but that was too open.

He considered an Alleyway, but figured that was too Unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his Truck over on the side of the Highway.

He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the Truck..??

Satisfied with the Privacy, he undid his Pants and started to Masturbate.

He Closed his Eyes and thought of his Lover.

As he grew closer to Orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his Pants.

Not wanting to lose his Mental Fantasy or the Orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "WHAT"..?!?!? In a stern voice.

He heard, "This is the Police. What the Hell are you Doing"..???

The Man replied, "I'm checking out the Rear Axle, it's Noisy, could be Busted."

The Cop says,

*

"Well, you better check your Brakes too, because your Truck rolled away, down the Hill, 5 minutes ago.😂

"The first symptom of true love in a man is timidity, in a young woman, boldness."
By Victor Hugo, Les Misérables

“I believe a strong woman may be stronger than a man, particularly if she happens to have love in her heart. I guess a loving woman is indestructible.”
— John Steinbeck, East of Eden

A woman is in court for stealing a tin of peaches.
The judge asked her "how many peaches were there in the tin that you stole"?
She replied "four, your honour".
The judge said I am going to send you to prison for four month's for every peach, take her down.
Then her husband in the public gallery shouted "Your honour, I'd also like to add, she stole a tin of peas too!!"

What’s the best way for a woman to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's mind. She changes it more often.

A man was standing in a hotel elevator when his elbow brushed over a woman's breast. Apologetically, he said "If your heart is as soft as your breasts you'll forgive me".
The lady said, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room number 304".

I bought a dozen bees for a beehive, but when my order arrived, there was thirteen bees in the box. I called customer service and told them they gave me one bee too many.
The woman on the phone answered:

"Oh, that's just a freebie"

Man: "Is your body from Mcdonalds?" Woman: "Why, because your loving it?" Man: “No, because its fat and greasy.”

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight.

They start eyeing each other, and both realize they want to do the same thing.

He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.
Rear toilet? He suggests.
Five minutes, she agrees and goes off.
He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her.

Right, get that condom on, she says.
Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.
But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realized what
they are up to, So, she humiliates them by making an announcement
over the PA system.
"To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.

Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the
smoke detector."

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man. 'This young man agreed to marry my daughter,' said one. 'No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,' said the other. And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence. 'Bring me my biggest sword,' said Solomon, 'and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half.' 'Sounds good to me,' said the first lady. But the other woman said, 'Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him.' The wise king did not hesitate a moment. 'This man must marry the first lady's daughter,' he proclaimed. 'But she was willing to hew him in two!' exclaimed the king's court. 'Indeed,' said wise King Solomon. 'That shows she is the true mother-in-law.'

How does a woman turn a man into a millionaire?
She marries a billionaire.

A woman rings at neighbour's door. A man opens the door.
Woman: "Hey, I just moved in, and I am just applying wallpaper in the kitchen. I just saw yesterday that you freshly papered you kitchen as well, and I thought you may be able to help me out. How many stacks of paper did you buy to do the job?"

Man:"Well yes, of course! I bought 16 stacks of paper."

The woman thanks the man and goes on to buy 16 stacks of paper. When she was finished with the kitchen she returns to the neighbour.

Woman:" well thanks again for the advice, I am done and the new kitchen looks awesome! I am just wondering, I still have 6 stacks of paper left...?"

Man:"Yeah, me too."

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

A good looking man walked into a singles bar, bought a drink and settled down ready to use his best lines.
But for the next two hours every woman he approached gave him the brush-off. Then suddenly a really ugly guy walked in and within seconds he was surrounded by beautiful, available women. A few minutes later he sauntered out with a stunning brunette on each arm.

The handsome guy was thoroughly despondent. Turning to the bartender, he said: ‘I don't get it. How did that guy walk out with those two when I can't even get a phone number?’

‘I don’t know what his secret is,’ said the barman. ‘But he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows . . .’

Never date a man who can't respect your husband.
Never date a woman who can't respect your wife.

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."
Man replied: "Naah.. She just arrived in the restaurant..!"

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'

Two cowboys are sitting in a restaurant when a lady at the next table begins choking on a piece of steak. One of the cowboys jumps up grabs the lady, yanks down her panties, and plants a big wet kiss firmly on her bottom. The startled woman coughs loudly and out flies the piece of steak.
As the cowboy returns to the table, his friend says "I've heard of that 'hind lick' maneuver but I've never seen it performed before."

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman’s finger and two under the man’s eyes.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Are female mannequins called womanequins ?

A man doing market research for Vaseline knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He asks, “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”

She says, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”

The researcher then asks, “And if you don’t mind me asking, what do you use it for?”

The woman says, “We use it for love making.”

The researcher was a little taken back. “Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for making love. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for love making?”

The woman says, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.”

A man was sent to hell after his death..
As he was being led into the pits for an eternity of torment, he saw a lawyer passionately kissing a beautiful woman.

“What a joke!” he said. “I have to roast in flames for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with that beautiful woman.” Satan jabbed the man with his pitchfork and snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”

A couple are on a date at a fancy restaurant. The woman tells the man to say something to her that will get her heart racing. He replies, “I forgot my wallet.”

Three friends - two men and a blonde woman - are exploring the African wilderness.

They come across a mystical looking place with a really long slide. The slide has a sign next to it that reads, "Welcome travellers to the slide of dreams. Take a ride! As you get to the bottom of the slide shout out what you wish to slide into."

So the first man goes and as he gets to the bottom shouts "marshmellows!", and he lands into a huge bed of marsh mellows.

The second man hears his friend's glee and decides to give it a go. As he gets to the bottom he shouts "cash!", and he lands into a huge bed of $100 dollar notes.

The blonde sees everyone seems to be having heaps of fun decides to give it a go as well. As she gets to the bottom she gets incredibly excited and shouts "weeeeeeeee!"

An anti-vaxxer, an entitled woman, and a Karen walk into a bar
She demands to speak to the manager.

Census Taker: "How many children do you have?"
Woman: "Four."
Census Taker: "May I have their names, please?"
Woman: "Eenee, Meenee, Minee and George."
Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?"
Woman: "Because we didn't want any Moe."

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest. After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?
''No,' she replies. She said ..... "You're just the first man who happened to catch my eye."

- What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
- One's a super hero and the other's a simple instruction.

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
"Then it was just a matter of switching the heads"😜🤣

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the
service, his cousin asks him: "How many men can a woman marry?"

"Sixteen!" replies the little boy.

...His cousin laughed and asked how he knew this.

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up!

4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer!"

A man picks up gorgeous woman at a bar and they go back to her place. Hes supprised to see how many teddy bears and stuffed toys she has in her appartment, the are everywhere. After a night of passion the man rolls over and says "how was it for you" the woman says "take any prize from the bottom shelf"

A young Newfoundland woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Bell Island Ferry."

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married.
Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."
"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry."
"Yes, there was one girl once. I guess she was the one perfect girl, the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."
"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.
"She was looking for the perfect man," he said.

A man waved at me, so I waved him back but apparently he was waving at a woman behind me, so I kept my hand up and stopped a taxi that took me to the airport.
I am now in Ireland starting a new life.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it's going by. As he gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Impeccable timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”

Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."

A woman walks into a Kalgoorlie accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address etc. And then asks,"What's your occupation?" "I'm a prostitute," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work... Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite poultry farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does poultry farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year."
Tax man says"Poultry Farmer it is then."

I can usually judge how attractive a woman is by how many times my wife calls her a whore.

What is the definition of Making Love?
That's what a woman is doing while the man is FUCKING her.

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
Abpout 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair — given that you are blind — that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl.
I’m a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, “No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

Juicy Proverbs
● Never dance naked because the body has parts that do not stop moving when the music stops.
● Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.
● Friends are like condoms; they protect you when things get hard.
● Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.
● Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself.
● Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of the society; but always remember who laid them!
● Education is like hiring a prostitute, it needs both money & hard work.
● When the toilet paper of experience is depleted, the ass of reason goes un-wiped.
● Men play the game. Women know the score.
● Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does!
● Guys are like roses, just watch out for the pricks
● College is like a woman; you work so hard to get in and nine months later you wish you'd never come.
● Whenever you feel low, depressed or useless, remember that you are the same sperm that won a battle against a million others.
● The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even remember her first husband.
● Here is the definition of divorce, she gets the ring and the man gets the finger!
● See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
● Confucius say man who puts hand in bush is not always a gardener.
● A botany student has brought to our attention the fact that penis is the only thing that has to be grown before it is planted.

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

- What do you call a woman who thinks she can do anything a man can do?
- Wrong.